Am I wicked

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
in wishing that my Lionel's memory would fade quickly.?

Having spent the past five years very actively trying to stimulate Lionel to be able to relate to today, I was very hurt and upset whenabout six months ago I realised that his mind and memory were fading quicker, and devasted when I knew that he did not really remember me.

The last two weeks have been especially hard for both of us. Today however we have a brief visit from our new CPN. Lionel really blossomed, making jokes about my address, (he has had no knowledge of where we used to live for the past 3 months).....and then at the end of this brief visit said to me laughing "well did I say what you asked me to?)It was lovely to see the old Lionel.

About 20 minutes later you could see the change in him. Realisation again set in, and he was in such despair. "why have you put me in here. Do you hate me this much? Will I never get well? " and so it went on, and on.

Is it so wrong to just want him to forget completely.......he was so tormented as I left him tonight, and I was in tears driving home.

I do hope he has forgotten some more tomorrow.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,552
Kent
Oh Connie, you have mirrored my innermost guilt.

If my husband isn`t going to get better, and we are to be on this continuous downwards spiral, with blips of recovery every now and then, giving us both false hope, would it not be better if the deterioration was a bit faster.

Lionel has almost certainly forgotten today`s incident, as he wouldn`t have even realized it had any significance, whilst you are still upset by it. We are conditioned not to take it personally,` it is not them, it is the condition`, but it doesn`t stop it hurting.

No Connie, you are not wicked, you are tired of the suffering and of witnessing the suffering.

Take care. It is so hard.

With love
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Oh Connie - and Sylvia,

Just goes to prove how many kinds of hell there are when dementia moves in.

I remember so well how Jan was at that stage, but time has passed and her condition has worsented - the problem is her communication has gone, so she may feel as Lionel does yet not be able to show it, or she may simply not remember it at all. Neither way is nice, but maybe there are degrees of awfulness.

Sometimes I think briefly that I would like to have her back in that state, so at least there would be fleeting good times, then I think no. Come to terms. Do the day by day thing. Make the most of what remains.

Take care.
 

allylee

Registered User
Feb 28, 2005
180
57
west mids
Dear Connie,
not wicked but compassionate, caring and emotionally torn to bits seeing the man you love gradually taken away from you.
The cruelness of AD is like nothing else, those little flashes of the person that you once knew, give hope, and then are quickly snatched away again, leaving that dreadful feeling of despair.
A huge demonstration of your love to want that suffering to end.

lOts of love to you both
Ally XX
 
E

Eve G.

Guest
Not at all.

When my mother has flashes of her old self, it makes me feel worse, knowing that so much of her is still trapped in there, and reminding me of what we've lost. If she were completely unaware, maybe it would be easier for me, if not for her. Maybe for her, too--who really knows what's going on "in there?"

I find myself feeling guilty for wishing she would just die before anything else horrible happens to her. I want her better, but she's never going to be better. She's been suffering and terrified and depressed and confused for three years now, and I just want it to end for her.

Sometimes I think Dr. Shipman should have gotten a knighthood.
 

CraigC

Registered User
Mar 21, 2003
6,632
London
hi connie,

these kind of thoughts leap around my head too. What is wrong with not wanting someone you love suffering. That is one of the painful things, not really knowing whether someone you love is suffering or not. After all these years, I think dads memory loss long and short term has taken a lot of suffering away (well from him anyway :eek: ). I still remember someone saying that the the loss of memory at least takes away the pain and suffering from the person with dementia. When dad became incontinent, we had a terrible time, but he'd forget about every incident within a minute. That was a blessing - but I felt guilty about feeling it was a blessing. You just can't win can you :( so nothing wicked about it.....
x
 
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mocha

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
176
86
Lancs, England
Dr Harold Shipman

Eve G. said:
Nall.

"Sometimes I think Dr. Shipman should have gotten a knighthood".
Eve, I'm sorry you said that about Dr. Shipman. I live about 4 mls. from Hyde where he practised and it felt very close to home. Dr.Shipman DID NOT DO WHAT HE DID TO END SUFFERING. Many of the people he murdered were neither old or seriously ill. One was a very fit ex. Mayoress.
I find that remark I'm afraid very hurtful to the relatives of those who died at his supposedly caring hands.

Aileen
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
You just can't win can you so nothing wicked about it.....
I also agree with CraigC

just like to add for me mum AZ and what to come , is the true meaning of "fate worse then death”

So for mum to lose all her Memories while its all happening is a blessing in disguise
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,552
Kent
Whatever Dr Shipman did, he took the law into his own hands, played God, and murdered.

We as carers are sometimes overwhelmed by the enormity and hopelessness of dementia, to the extent that we speak from desperation, possibly unaware of the effect we may have on others.

I am not passing judgement on anyone here. I am as guilty as the next one, of letting my heart rule my head. But can I ask everyone to try to moderate their opinions and declarations, to save very vulnerable people from more hurt than they already have to contend with.
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
Who is Dr Shipman ? Iam now wondering .

Ok just done a search, no need to answer that question. I remember now and I just read he only got around 20 years , they should let him root in jail
 
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mocha

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
176
86
Lancs, England
Margarita, Dr. Shipman probably killed about 200 they said and he committed suicide in prison . No loss I would say except of course for his family.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,552
Kent
Dr Harold Shipman murdered many elderly patients, apparently because he thought they`d lived long enough. He also was accused of benefitting financially.
I could say a lot more, as I have personal knowledge of one case, but had better not in case I get myself in trouble.
He was sent to prison and committed suicide.
 
E

Eve G.

Guest
I am, of course, not advocating what Dr. Shipman did--but certainly I am advocating what Dr. Kevorkian did. We treat our pets better than we do our family members, both in the US and in England: allowing our dying cats and dogs to be euthanized, but forcing our parents, spouses and selves to linger horribly for years, till all money and all survivors are used up. Unofrtunately, I don't see this changing in our lifetimes.
 

Lila13

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
1,342
My mother's next-door neighbour is convinced that "it was someone in the hospital". A few days before her death no-one would have thought my mother was dying (except herself and she had a habit of it) and then the hospital wouldn't have a post mortem. The neighbour says my mother was probably saying "I wish I were dead" and one of the nurses decided to help.

Of course we'll never know.
 
E

Eve G.

Guest
Well, since you obviously did not read (or understand) my follow-up, and since I am obviously not twee and cuddly-kitten enough for this place, I will go find a message board where one can speak frankly to adults.

Ta, all, wishing you the best in a bad situation.
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,454
It was with such relief that I read the comment at the start of Page 2.
I hope and pray that this 'discussion' has not caused too much pain.
Love Helen
 

mocha

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
176
86
Lancs, England
Am I wicked

Dear sweet Connie,
I am so sorry that your thread caused such a Hornet's Nest.
Since I came onto T.P. I have never read such insensitive drivel.
Let's hope it is the end of it now. I don't know how it got onto that track[my reply I suppose] But it really hit a sore point with me.
Lots of Love
Aileen
 

McK

Registered User
Sep 13, 2005
62
Pgh. Pa. USA
The Good; The Bad & The Ugly

Dear Connie - Your comments raised all of the above sentiments with those of us who are caregivers. My wife is in her 11th plus year of AD, and has been bedridden going on four years. As I stated previously, she is like an infant and I take care of her 24/7. I wouldn't have it any other way, and I look forward each day to taking care of her and telling her how much she means to me. Have I gone through so many of the trials and problems that all caregivers go through as this disease progresses? Of course I have, but I feel that all that has happened up to this point has only intensified my love for my wife. I also feel that my faith and a very strong commitment from our grown children and grandchildren has given me the added incentive to care for my wife "Until death doth us part". Mck