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Am i the cause of my mums distress should i not visit her

Annian88

New member
Jun 4, 2021
2
0
Hello
My mum is 87 and has advanced dementia .
She is in a care home I have essential care givers status and I visit her all the time .
She seems now mostly crying She can't tell me why she's upset so I do what I can to try and change her mood with various things .
My question and concerns are.
I was speaking yesterday to the manager and was informed that it had been noted by members of staff and the dementia crisis team that she is mostly upset all the time when I'm there .
As you can understand this has devastated me
Me and my mum have always been so close she's my world
It wasent done horribly it was explained that they would like me to not visit this week so they could monitor her mood to see if she's more settled when I'm not there .
It seems for her to be happy and move on to her own little world she needs to forget me .
I am so upset I do not want to be the cause of my mums distress I love her so much .
Has anyone else had this happen ?
Is it true ?
What happens if she is more settled when I'm not there?
I am upset and confused
Am I just some reminder of something she dosent understand she tells me all the time I love you
She is on anti depressants and anti phycotics due to hallucinations.
I just want her to be OK as much as she can but I don't know what to do .
Thank you x
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,720
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Annian88 and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point. It could well be that seeing you triggers memories for your mother, that even if she can't express them upset her. Certainly I had many bad visits with my mother when she was first in care, as she didn't want to be there and couldn't see why I wouldn't take her home. Mum wasn't as advanced as your mum at the time and now she is she seems quite pleased to see me, but doesn't really seem to know who I am.
I think taking a week off is a good idea. Next time you visit be as up-beat and cheerful as you can. If your mother senses you are upset that could well make her upset too.
I'm sure others who have been in this and similar situations will be along shortly with their advice. In the meantime have a look around there is lots of useful information in these forums.
 

Annian

New member
Nov 9, 2020
1
0
Thank
Hi @Annian88 and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point. It could well be that seeing you triggers memories for your mother, that even if she can't express them upset her. Certainly I had many bad visits with my mother when she was first in care, as she didn't want to be there and couldn't see why I wouldn't take her home. Mum wasn't as advanced as your mum at the time and now she is she seems quite pleased to see me, but doesn't really seem to know who I am.
I think taking a week off is a good idea. Next time you visit be as up-beat and cheerful as you can. If your mother senses you are upset that could well make her upset too.
I'm sure others who have been in this and similar situations will be along shortly with their advice. In the meantime have a look around there is lots of useful information in these forums.
Thank you for your advice.
this is mums second year in the care home .
And maybe I'm to affectionate and need to take a step back a bit .
Thank you again x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,140
0
South coast
Hi @Annian88
The thing about memory loss with dementia is that they dont remember what has happened, but they do remember the emotion. If something happened to upset your mum either just before you visited, or while you were there, then even if its nothing to do with you, although she will forget what happened, she will remember being upset. Then when she sees you again it triggers the feeling of being upset all over again - which she then remembers next time she sees you.........

It becomes a horrible loop, so the way to break it is not to visit for a while, so that she forgets this emotion too. It doesnt necessarily mean that she will forget you.
Other things you can do to minimise her getting upset your self, is to be very upbeat and cheerful. Mum used to mirror my emotions, so if I was happy, she was too, or, conversely, if I was upset she would pick it up and she would be upset too. Also, if she starts to get upset, dont try and comfort her too much as (counter intuitively) this just reinforces in their mind that there is a good reason to be upset. I used to take mums favourite sweets or a cake when I visited so that I could produce them as a distraction if I started to see her bottom lip quiver, or I didnt like the way the conversation was going (you may be doing this already).

I hope that having a little rest from visiting will break this loop and you can get back to having good visits again.
xx
 

JanBWiltshire

Registered User
Jun 23, 2020
157
0
It is very tough as you clearly care very much but I’ve tried to realise my mother is being cared for albeit in a different way to how she used to be when at home.

I keep reminding myself my mother is in the best and safest place and that I am no longer the first responder so to speak. My mother cries every time we do a video call and I just tell her she will get red eyes and she woiodnt want that and she seems to accept it and settle. As others have said, distraction and being upbeat works and not taking too much notice. I liken it to how you would deal with a three year old at nursery and know they are a bit manipulative!

Try to enjoy the break and in the knowledge it is in your mother’s best interests. I realise it won’t feel like a positive step but I believe it will be, no matter how upsetting it is. Tough love is very hard to give!
 

Vanessa Terry

Registered User
Sep 27, 2021
18
0
Hello
My mum is 87 and has advanced dementia .
She is in a care home I have essential care givers status and I visit her all the time .
She seems now mostly crying She can't tell me why she's upset so I do what I can to try and change her mood with various things .
My question and concerns are.
I was speaking yesterday to the manager and was informed that it had been noted by members of staff and the dementia crisis team that she is mostly upset all the time when I'm there .
As you can understand this has devastated me
Me and my mum have always been so close she's my world
It wasent done horribly it was explained that they would like me to not visit this week so they could monitor her mood to see if she's more settled when I'm not there .
It seems for her to be happy and move on to her own little world she needs to forget me .
I am so upset I do not want to be the cause of my mums distress I love her so much .
Has anyone else had this happen ?
Is it true ?
What happens if she is more settled when I'm not there?
I am upset and confused
Am I just some reminder of something she dosent understand she tells me all the time I love you
She is on anti depressants and anti phycotics due to hallucinations.
I just want her to be OK as much as she can but I don't know what to do .
Thank you x
I have just read your post. I hope that you are now able to see your mum now. Is she settled and do you feel better about things? You are not alone
 

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