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am I strong enough - selfish thoughts

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
57
0
Please don't feel that you are in the minority, and that most people are coping well with this. They are absolutely not - despite all the happy, smiley, leaflets that would have you believe otherwise.
I care for my Mum, so a different relationship, but I cannot put into words how utterly relentless, depressing and miserable it is. You are powerless to control it and have no idea when it will end.
All I can say is try and get some respite - be that a sitter, or a daycentre or club that your husband can attend unaccompanied.
I sincerely doubt that you will offend anyone here. We all understand those very dark thoughts, that would send the non-dementia world into apoplexy - because they really have no idea what this is like.

I would also recommend "The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring", which will hoefully make you smile, and realise that you are not alone.
U made me smile, never heard of selfish pig's guidë.... Must get it, I need cheering up. X.
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
57
0
My husband has been diagnosed for three years but I think it is many years more he is really bad now I don't get any help and I am struggling because I feel no feelings towards him I know he can't help it and he was a wonderful husband before this I too feel I am being selfish but I really hate our life he is like a zombie no thing back but we have to carry on life is so cruel I try to remember the good times we have had 35 years so happy .
Please try and get help. I thought I could manage, 12 years looking after my dear husband. I wish I had asked for help, he is now in a home. I have terrible feelings of guilt and sadness. U are having a very difficult time, I am so sorry. Big hug xx
 

Splash

New member
Oct 12, 2021
7
0
Yes, think one of the saddest times was when I realised I had lost my ‘best friend’ - he can’t deal with anything not being all right with me anymore and just gets angry if I tell him about anything wrong or that’s irritated me about any of the children or my Mum’s ‘Home’. He used to be so supportive. 🥲 But, on the other hand he still likes to make me a cup of coffee in the morning, has the same daft sense of humour…. We just have to take each day as it comes and make the best of what we DO still have.
It’s the total lack of communication that gets to me.no conversation at all.If I didn’t speak we would go through the whole dayin silence.
 

Mrs Humphrey

Registered User
May 14, 2021
50
0
I too know exactly how you are feeling. My husband of 53 years is just a stranger to me now. i grieve for what nhe was and what we had together and like you I feel so desperately sad and worst of all I get angry with him and then feel a terrible guilt because i know he can't help it and has just lost his mind .It is a dreadful illness and no one not even our children really understand the emotions and the sheer frustration and hard work too.
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
210
0
Lincolnshire
Yes, understand all those emotions, sadness, anger and guilt, everyday companions. My OH can put on a good show still for other people, especially the children, and then they say: oh isn’t he doing well you wouldn’t know there’s anything wrong. !! If only……..
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
293
0
@Knitandpurl absolutely! Great show put on for others Someone at an Alzheimer's group recently said I was ok as my husband was all right except for his mobility problems. Hollow laugh. Same husband didn't know who I was this evening - said I had kidnapped him but he quite liked being here so could he stay for a bit (we have lived here 10 years!) This was after earlier telling me how much he hated me too... Always worse in the evening, and rarely anyone else around. I am usually delighted if he goes to bed early ( though he doesn't stay there but keeps coming down to ask another question.,
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
212
0
I am 87 caring for my husband of 93 and feel so sorry for couples having to endure this at a much younger age. I think of the boy I met 70 years ago and look at the almost empty shell he is today and feel sad.
But then I think how lucky we have been to have had good times and bad for all these years and come through them reasonablely unscathed, and how well he's always looked after me and the kids and grandhildren.
You younger carers are missing out on so much more than me . It's important that you try to have time to yourself and to do the things you like doing and I hope you can manage to arrange this. Good luck
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
210
0
Lincolnshire
Oh Mickeyplum. How thoughtful of you, I suspect we equally as sad , sitting here with tears in my eyes. But also so sad for you and wonder how you cope , this is often such hard work now in my 60’s do not know how you manage. As you say we have to be grateful for the wonderful years we have had and even the good moments now - I can hear my OH singing upstairs while he gets washed and dressed( it takes him ages but he wants to do it on his own…..) hoping you have a good day. 😃
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
293
0
I am 87 caring for my husband of 93 and feel so sorry for couples having to endure this at a much younger age. I think of the boy I met 70 years ago and look at the almost empty shell he is today and feel sad.
But then I think how lucky we have been to have had good times and bad for all these years and come through them reasonablely unscathed, and how well he's always looked after me and the kids and grandhildren.
You younger carers are missing out on so much more than me . It's important that you try to have time to yourself and to do the things you like doing and I hope you can manage to arrange this. Good luck
😍😍
 

Robbie Rainbow

Registered User
Oct 23, 2021
10
0
I am 70 and my wife of 68 was diagnosed with Posterior Cortex Atrophy about 4 months ago. I hate the fact she finds it difficult to instigate conversation and little memory. It is like living with a cardboard cutout. It’s definitely true that it ruins two lives not one. She is on donepezil and can’t really say it makes any difference really. Good to read other people’s accounts and experiences.
 
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Long journey ahead

Registered User
Mar 28, 2020
132
0
I am 64 and my husband is 65 - he has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's last october but has probably had it for about 3 years - we are devastated have only known each other 12 years and married 4 - he has changed so much he was a lively funny kind social person very independent and really looked after me - now he has changed into a very quiet , no confidence , muddled , slow, cant cope person who does not hardly talk - he now does not seem to want to do much at all except watch tv and to be told what to do as he cannot plan - he is so moody and says things he does not remember and would never had said before - i feel so so tied to him and tired - already - (i have fibromyalgia -] he shows no affection or apathy for me - and i know this will get worse - this awful illness does not only ruin one life but two - i am also missing the man i loved - this stranger has appeared so sorry if i offend anyone - who is managing so well with this - Neese
Hi Neese. So sorry to hear your husband is not well. My husband was diagnosed early lAst year with alcohol related brain damage. He sounds very simular. He doesn't care about his appearance and sits all day watching tv. He rarely speake