Am I right to feel disappointed?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by betsie, Mar 26, 2015.

  1. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    Would like to start by saying a big thank you to everyone on TP for their kind words and support following my dads death last week.
    I have been busy organising the funeral which unfortunately isn't until 13th April.
    I'm not sure how I feel this week, the horrible feeling of waiting for the phone to ring with bad news has gone, but I think my body had got so used to high stress levels it is finding it hard to readjust as I definitely don't feel right today.
    Have the minister coming around today to get info for the eulogy, I have no idea what he will ask and to be honest I am totally dreading it ( maybe that's why my head feels so weird).

    Back to my question, i phoned dads carehome last Tuesday to say he had died and spoke to one of the carers. I was expecting the manager to ring back at some point to offer her condolecenses but nothing, I feel like they are not bothered now he is gone and they won't be getting any more money. Am I right to feel like she should have phoned?
    During the whole time dad was in hospital (4 weeks) she didn't phone once it was always me calling to let them know what was happening.
    The other thing I am waiting for is the final bill which I asked for on 9th March. I told the home on 27th Feb he wouldn't be going back as he was too ill to move and would die in hospital, and the palliative care nurse phoned them the next day to confirm this. I thought this is when the two weeks notice would start. I cleared his room out on Monday 11th (within the notice period and I was not asked to do it) but when I phoned later that day to ask for the final bill her comments suggested that the notice would start from the day I cleared his room out? Is this right? I know it's not totally clear cut as we he hadn't actually died when I gave notice but it was just a matter of when he would not if he would as all fluids had been stopped. I also know that lots of relatives don't clear the rooms out once their loved one has died - the home get rid of the clothes.

    Sorry for the ramble, I just feel let down for dad, I know death is par for the course in a carehome, but he was there nearly two years and it just makes me sad to think they don't care and are only interested in his money.
  2. Dennis Brown

    Dennis Brown Registered User

    Jun 11, 2008
    Hi, so sorry to hear of your Fathers death, you cared for him so much and do'nt deserve the treatment you've received from the Care Home. Can you get in touch with the owners to clear up the notice problem and perhaps get an apology for the mangers behaviour. I wish you well with your Eulogy and also the Funeral. Good Luck and keep in touch. Dennis B. X
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Yes of course they should have phoned. When it is all over perhaps you could drop a small note to them saying how much it would have meant and that they might build such contacts into their regular programme. It might make the next bereaved person feel a bit better and remind them of the effects of thoughtlessness.

    Keep well, better days ahead.
  4. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Please don't stress about the final invoice - you have too much else on your plate. I do hope that the loss of your Dad has not had too dreadful an effect on your Mum.

    The care home's admin might only produce invoices once a month. Not sure if you are your Dad's executrix, but if the invoice isn't right when it does eventually arrive I wouldn't bother phoning. Just write a short letter stating that you gave notice on .... and cleared the room within the period of notice so need a credit note or an amended invoice so that payment can be arranged from your late father's estate. You should have a copy of the care home contract so can quote it back to them if necessary. But please forget about this for now and just focus on trying to get some rest. You had a very stressful time during your Dad's final weeks illness and really need to try to recharge your batteries.

    Your Dad's loving family is grieving for him - you all knew the pre-dementia man. Some of the carers are probably sad to hear of his passing, but if the care home manager didn't have the empathy or courtesy to communicate with you in a fitting way I would just try to forget it. You now want to focus on memories of your lovely Dad as he was years ago in happier times. Take care.
  5. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Hello Betsie, I am so sorry to read about your Dad.

    As far as the care home manager is concerned, I feel it is very unfeeling of them to not respond, although I'm not in the least surprised.

    I am sure that the carers, and the staff who worked with your dad each day are concerned, they are feeling sadness and miss him too.

    J x
  6. Dazmum

    Dazmum Registered User

    I am sorry Betsie, and agree with the others that the home should have contacted you.
    No one from my dad's care home came to his funeral although they asked when it was and said that someone would come. I left the order of service in the manager's room to make a point, silly I know, but I felt hurt on his behalf.

    I hope that all goes well, it is a long time to have to wait, we were the same. It feels like a barrier to getting going with your life again. Hugs xx
  7. thats life

    thats life Registered User

    Jan 2, 2013
    Dear Betsie I'm sorry for your loss, my mother died in a Care home in Dec, whilst clearing her room I was given loads of sympathy from the carers but nothing from the manager, I used to manage a ch and when a client passed away I always sent a card to the family, I also attended funerals whenever possible and sent flowers to either the funeral or to the family depending on their wishes, but Oh how times have changed x
  8. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    My mum's funeral was in her home town, so I would not have expected anyone to attend from the care home; I didn't inform them of the date and they didn't ask. It would have been nice to hear from the manager, but the most important thing was that they all gave my mum excellent care in the few months that she lived there, so I didn't worry too much about it.

    I already knew what the notice period would be as it was in the contract terms, but I did want to clear her room as soon as I could for my own sake. It should have been a month, but as mum died in the second week of the month (and we had already paid to the end of the month) they didn't actually enforce the full notice period.
  9. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    The minister and vicar have been round and were very nice. I did chuckle to myself as the Minster was very flash, big gold watch and rings and the whitest teeth I have ever seen I couldn't take my eyes off them!
    I know I shouldn't be worrying about the final bill but I just want everything sorted. The contract says notice is 2 weeks if they die or one month if they move to a different home. That's the problem, he hadn't died when I gave notice but we knew he would any day. I will just have to wait and see what the invoice says.
    I think I will send one of the order of service booklets to a very nice lady who was a resident at the home, she always looked out for dad ( she doesn't have dementia) and ask her to thank the girls who looked after him. The manager was often very short and always very defensive but I always spoke to her and saw her at least two or three times a week.
  10. pen61

    pen61 Registered User

    Mar 22, 2015
    Hi Betsie,
    Its called good manners and respect, of course they should have phoned you, I work in an apartment block for retired people and whenever someone passes away we contact the relatives pass on our condolences and send a card signed by all the staff its the least we can do. when you work and get to know people especially after 2yrs im sure there are staff there that would want to send their condolences and memories of your dad. Chin up hope after today things start to feel and get clearer for you. big hug
  11. Anniebell

    Anniebell Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    So sorry to hear about your dad betsie this is a very sad time for you i agree the manager should have got in touch with you please try and stop worrying about the things that can wait you dont need it right now concentrate on yourself and your family your lovely dads at peace now and he would be so proud of you and everything you have done sending love and hugs take care betsie Anniex

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