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  1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Putford

    Putford Registered User

    Oct 15, 2017
    37
    Please, please read and give me some hard advice, I need it!

    Both my parents have big problems, dad has dementia, he's started to forget who I am now, but at least he's 'happy' to an extent.

    Mum has always been a massive problem, mainly through drinking, overdoses, aggression and generally being nasty. From an early age my memories of mum were bad, she's never been 'motherly', she's taken numerous overdoses and always wanted to be the centre of attraction, she's fallen out with everyone, even her family haven't spoken to her for over 20 years. She controls my dad, he's easily led and doesn't understand what's going on, he's confused beyond belief but there's very little I can do. She's told him that if he goes to the doctors they'll hurt him, if he has a brain scan it's painful and noisy, she's stopped him from having a simple dementia test conducted by the GP, basically she won't let him see anybody or go anywhere. They live 5 hours from me and nearly 2 hours from my sister, we both moved away partly because she's always been a pain and caused us both to have issues. I've taken the burden off my sister because she had a few health issues and couldn't cope plus mum fell out with her on purpose. They have carers come in twice daily to administer mums tablets, she can't be trusted to take them on her own, she'll either forget to take them or could overdose. I went up to visit last week, mum didn't say hello for the first hour or two, she just ignored me. I drove 5 hours to sort out some jobs and make sure they're ok, got a very unwelcome greeting, no niceness or thanks what so ever, then drove home again! I got home at 2 am. She's selfish beyond belief, she never asks how I am, or my wife, or her grandchildren, she never gives her grandsons anything for Birthdays etc, never has done. They're scared of her too.

    I'm the first port of call for problems, I pay their bills, sort everything from odd jobs, carers, pay their bills, sort paperwork, food etc. Last night she called and started telling me she's not happy with the carers, like anybody, she eventually tries to fall out with them, she's nasty to them in the hope that it causes an argument, she enjoys it. Now it looks like she's trying to push them out, no matter what I say or do it's never good enough.

    To cut a long story short - I've had enough of being nice and pampering to her, I'm fed up of listening to her moans, nasty, selfish comments, I'm not scared of anybody other than my mother - when she calls it brings back such horrible memories that I get anxious and can't settle for days, I can't sleep sometimes, I hate it when I see her number come up and start to shake sometimes, It makes me sound like a wimp but I'm not, honestly.
    Dad has a fair amount of savings and she knows it, I'm sure she's just letting him go down hill quickly so that she will inherit his money, house etc, then she can go out drinking or whatever she wants to do.
    I've got a lovely wife, nice home life and I'm comfortable, but this is destroying me. I've had counselling, seen a psychiatrist and a hypnotherapist, I'm currently doing a self management course for depression and anxiety..... because of her, but I still feel obliged to 'do the right thing' and continue to sort out her issues.

    So ... what should I do? Please be as blunt as you feel.
    Thanks in advance.
     
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,199
    Prepare to walk away. You are not obliged to do this, you have done so much. Let social services etc know that they are vulnerable adults and you cannot support any more as your own health is broken. Draw the line. Warmest, kindred.
     
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,925
    N Ireland
    I agree that Social Services should be involved here, for every ones sake. It is SS who have the legal duty and it seems that the time has come to have needs addressed rather wants/demands answered. If you click on the following link it will take you to a factsheet that will run through the system for you. https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...assessment_for_care_in_support_in_england.pdf

    If you want to talk to the experts on the help line the details are

    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,532
    Female
    South coast
    I would also write a letter to their GP . I think it is important for him/her to know about it as I assume that your dad hasnt been diagnosed if she wont let him go to doctors appointments. He needs to be recorded as being a vulnerable patient.

    Im no expert, but this almost sounds like a safgaurding problem to me. Certainly contact SS.
     
  5. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    462
    Chard, Somerset
    I agree. Do what you can to leave everything in order when you contact Social Services but you have to put your health and the wellbeing of your immediate family first (i.e. your wife). You moved away for a reason and that reason is still relevant. YOU WILL FEEL GUILT... we all do in one way or another, whether it is because we feel we are not doing enough to ensure our cared for are eating properly, are clean, are having enough social contact, are getting the medical and psychological support they need, etc. etc.
    As Canary says, this sounds to be a safeguarding problem that is beyond your control anyway - you are at the end of your tether, your father obviously needs assistance (and a proper diagnosis) and you mother clearly needs support - all that and you are hours away.
     
  6. Putford

    Putford Registered User

    Oct 15, 2017
    37
    Thanks for the advice, I'll talk to my sister soon and I'll be writing letters to the GP and talking to Social Services too.
    I don't think it will be an end to my state of mind but I'm sure it will help.
    Sincere thanks.
     
  7. Norfolk Cherry

    Norfolk Cherry Registered User

    Feb 17, 2018
    287
    Female
    SS have to take your welfare and mental health into account, not just your fathers'. Kindred is right, you have to walk away and hand over the responsibility to them. It means withdrawing your support in order that they take it on, tell them you are estranged and why.
     
  8. dora

    dora Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    145
    England
    This is emotional abuse. Make a list of your concerns and contact your Adult Safeguarding Service via your county council.
     
  9. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,199
    Remember, you can always investigate employing the services of an independent social worker. I have heard good things. They will do all the organising.
    warmest, Kindred.
     
  10. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    It sounds as if she has some type of personality disorder and having been on the receiving end in childhood I think it will be uniquely difficult for you to deal with her at present. (I speak as the daughter of a mother somewhere on the narcissism spectrum - I realise now). Neither you nor your sister have to put up with what, in any other circumstance, would be termed bullying and emotional abuse. It can easily affect your long-term health, believe me. Please don't feel guilty. You only took a vow to your wife. Hoping you can move peacefully onwards.
     
  11. Putford

    Putford Registered User

    Oct 15, 2017
    37
    Thanks again.
    I spoke to my sister at length at the weekend and both now have our suspicions that she's waiting for dad to decline further and die, then she'll get what she wants. I now realise how she's been slowly poisoning him against getting help from anybody from the medical or outside world. It's only a matter of time before she stops the carers, she's tried to turn him against both of us too. Everything is falling into place.
    I'm going to be writing letters to his GP and speaking to SS shortly too.
    Watch this space!
    Putford.
     
  12. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    491
    Wishing you lots of luck as you deal with this.You have had great advice from here x
     
  13. Delilah63

    Delilah63 New member

    Jan 4, 2018
    9
    My situation is obviously not the same as yours, but there are significant echoes. I have been phoning the alzheimers helpline on and off for the last 5 years when things have been particularly gruelling and they have been a wonderful source of support, but also encouragement to see that this is not all my fault. If you ever need some support, the people on the end of the helpline are diamonds.
     
  14. BridgetsCare

    BridgetsCare New member

    Sep 9, 2019
    4
    I'm very sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in. Is your dad at a point where he can no longer make safe decisions? If so, is it possible to get power of attorney? This way you could start making decisions that are going to be beneficial for both of them, without your mom having the same influence. With dementia, not altering the environment for as long as possible is a positive. So I think you need to figure out if they need home care, or if you moving closer is an option. Ultimately, as difficult as the situation with your mother is, maybe its time for a confrontation. You are an adult who is keeping your own family and your parents life afloat. You are strong enough to sit her down and firmly, but always kindly and with people like that- as devoid of emotion as possible- explain the time has come for you to step in and help your father. You have their best interests at heart. it probably won't go well, but its the start of a dialogue where she will hopefully realize you will not be pushed around.
     
  15. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,143
    I have experienced something similar & sadly had to let it all come to crisis points before I could assist.
    Horrid to live through, just take care of yourself it’s exhausting emotionally & mentally
     
  16. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,035
    Yorkshire
    Thanks for the recent responses

    however

    This is an old thread which has run its course ..... so I am now closing it
     
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