Am I being unreasonable? How far is too far too travel?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Brenda16, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. Quizbunny

    Quizbunny Registered User

    Nov 20, 2011
    81
    I live in Essex very close to the M25. A 25 mile journey, particularly if it involves the M25, can take simply ages. The London area is extremely congested most times of day and a 52 mile round trip could be arduous. To be frank it would make far more sense for your brother to be closer to your mother if at all possible. It may well be that you are right and he may not choose to visit much, but if you insist on having mum somewhere more convenient for yourself, you run the risk of making that a self fulfilling prophesy.
     
  2. JayneB6367

    JayneB6367 Registered User

    Dec 18, 2013
    38
    Brenda I can see your point of view but I have a similar journey to your brother to see my Mother in her CH, 40 miles each way that involves London and M25 traffic. This often takes me 4 hours round trip. It means I rarely go more than one or twice a week.

    In my opinion I wish we were a few miles away and could visit 3-4 times a week for an hour or so.

    If your brother though is only planning on going once a week then I don't feel that's a long journey.
     
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,552
    Female
    London
    #23 Beate, Oct 28, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2015
    Can I just ask whether any of you have a health and welfare LPA? If so, the whole question is academic because that person can decide where she lives.

    But if I was you I wouldn't insist on a particular home if the family member who is in a position to visit frequently says it is too far for him. You'd be giving him the perfect excuse not to visit at all. Yes, he might not visit much anyway wherever you put her, but you can't know that and it's a little presumptuous to say you would definitely travel those 52 miles all the time. You're not in his shoes, and you don't know the roads. If you think you can make each journey in under half an hour you assume he'll have a constant speed of about 55 miles an hour. That is only doable if all or most of that journey is on an empty motorway and not on country lanes or through a busy city, and that he is happy to travel by car every time. I live in London, and rarely is there a journey that takes under half an hour, but I am used to it, and after half an hour I am still only in another part of East London, and that is by public transport. To get out of London can be an utter nightmare. How far you travel on Swiss roads is irrelevant.

    No offense to all your efforts in helping deal with the situation, but you are the one living in a different country, and no doubt there are resentments from your brother and his wife about this too, as you won't ever be able to get there quickly in an emergency situation.
     
  4. Brenda16

    Brenda16 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    69
    Not applicable
    Hi

    We don't have PoA for health and I did take offence. Presumtuous? 25 miles each way is 25 miles. If you get in a traffic jam it's time but doesn't make the mileage longer.
    And I would travel those 52 miles. Heck he could leave Sunday morning early, stay with Mum 1 hour or so (depending on how she is) and then travel back.

    Thank you anyway for your input.
     
  5. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,552
    Female
    London
    You're very stuck in what YOU would do and which care home is best for YOU to get to and what he should do. You have to consider your brother too, and if he can't or won't make this journey on a regular basis then it's no good telling him that you would. It's very sad that you two can't agree on a care home purely on the basis on how easy or difficult the journey is. Have you looked at care homes closer to him? Would they meet your Mum's needs as well? Because I believe that should be a deciding factor. After all, how much of any of your visits will she remember?
     
  6. Brenda16

    Brenda16 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    69
    Not applicable
    My brother is doing nothing. If you read my previous posts you will see that Mum should leave the mental clinic asap as it's an "unhealthy" environment for her. My brother hardly went to see her when she was lonely and not looking after herself. Why should I consider a home nearer him which is more difficult for me to get when he probably won't be going to see her very often anyway.
    I can't look at care homes nearer to him merely because of the question "what is nearer him". I might look at a place but I would have no idea how difficult it would be for him to get from his home to where Mum is.

    I am the only one looking for homes. I've put names of homes in his area through to him and I get nothing back.

    Stuck on what "YOU" would do? What is this?
    Background on me: last 20 years my husband and I paid for airtickets every year to visit us. We took them to the South of France and paid for a separate studio for them so that our babies wouldn't disturb them in the night. I paid for weekend shopping, hairdressers, taxis and even left quite an amount of money on Mum's bedside table as a thank you "for having us".

    Beate, let's not continue this conversation it is upsetting me.
     
  7. Quizbunny

    Quizbunny Registered User

    Nov 20, 2011
    81
    Brenda I am sorry but if you ask the question "am I being unreasonable", you should expect honest opinions.
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,569
    Yorkshire
    Brenda16
    Family dynamics will do it every time :(
    You've had a whole variety of replies
    You and brother will sort this out in the end, you know you will
    but now =
    time to take that break from this thread and have a cuppa and a biscuit - or your beverage of choice.

    Best wishes
     
  9. Brenda16

    Brenda16 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    69
    Not applicable
    Beate you can give me an honest answer any time of the day. But as the French say
    "C'est le ton qui fait la musique". Using capital letters when answering, eg. YOU" is degrading.

    And, last remark: I was in England 3 weeks ago and will be coming over in 2 weeks to see Mum. I land at Heathrow and have to go by public transporrt from south to northeast and then get a taxi. So, I'm not harping on it being easy for me.
     
  10. Brenda16

    Brenda16 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    69
    Not applicable
    Thanks Shedrech Dear. I've been away from England 40 years but I'll take a cuppa over anything else anytime. And yes we'll sort it out. I'll just have to push him to look for a home.

    Take care.
    Brenda
     
  11. Brenda16

    Brenda16 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    69
    Not applicable
    Sorry Beate. Pressed wrong button this was for another person. Please excuse my mistake
     
  12. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,552
    Female
    London
    I'm not trying to upset you, I'm trying to give you an opinion, which is what I thought you asked for, and I can only go on what you have written here. You don't seem to accept anything that doesn't agree with your opinion, so if you believe you are right and your brother is wrong, why ask in the first place? No one here is out to upset another carer, we answer a question that was asked, because sometimes it's a good thing seeing another perspective. That is all.
     
  13. AnoviceinN1

    AnoviceinN1 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2014
    55
    I don't understand why you are asking for advice when you really don't want to hear what a number of people are trying to tell you. I think that Beate was being very reasonable and helpful. I, too, live in London and have driven extensively on Swiss roads and let me tell you: the two are very different. When you say that the road in question is the M25, that makes it doubly different. Rush hour barely comes into it; as far as I can make out, travel time on the M25 is highly unpredictable at almost any time of day and night and 25 miles on jammed M25 can seem like 50+ miles. And that would apply to you too, when you are rushing back to Heathrow or London City to catch a flight home.

    I think that you need to leave it to your brother to sort out a solution. Don't do the work for him but, equally, don't insist that your travel needs or preferences should override his. That would be my advice.
     
  14. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,574
    North West
    I really think that Beate capitalised 'you' for emphasis and for no other reason. She could have italicised it but capitals are easier. I'm sure it's not intended to be degrading.
     
  15. Brenda16

    Brenda16 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    69
    Not applicable
    Again, there's a way of saying something and there's a way of saying something.
    It's the way is said (or written).

    and I know you are not trying to upset me. So according to your "why ask in the first place" I guess I'll sign off and find answers somewhere else should anything else come up.
     
  16. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,852
    England
    Brenda, you are stressed and anxious, which makes us all thin skinned. I am so sorry if anyone's answers have upset you. It sounds as if you've been a wonderful, generous daughter, and are working incredibly hard to provide your Mum with high quality care. :)

    You appear to be asking strangers to give you objective opinions, so that you can see things more clearly. Actually, because you are dealing with such strong feelings of resentment towards your brother (fairly justified it would appear) you react to some of those 'objective observations' as if they were personal criticisms, because the poster appears to be taking your brother's side against you.

    When anyone asks "am I being unreasonable?" what they really mean is "tell me the other person is being unreasonable". Even if your brother is being unreasonable, us agreeing with you on that may help you feel better, but it doesn't really help you to make a decision in your Mum's best interests. Only you are in possession of the specific facts about the choice of suitable homes available to her.
     
  17. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,552
    Female
    London
    I wasn't shouting at all. I was emphasising the word you. Admittedly there are different ways of doing that but accusing that one of being degrading is ridiculous.

    Did you or did you not say:

    "Also, I feel that my brother should also consider my journey. I'm flying in from Switzerland and am a city girl - don't really know how all the different train systems work in England (when I was a girl it was British Rail). If my Mum's home is way out in the countryside I've got no idea how to get there. I've never driven "on the other side of the road and I don't intend to start at my age"."

    So he should consider your journey but you not his? I agree with the other posters - you need to sort out the anger you feel towards your brother, as really, the mileage is only the catalyst. Remember that in all this your Mum is the most important person.
     
  18. Brenda16

    Brenda16 Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    69
    Not applicable
    #38 Brenda16, Oct 31, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2015
    Too far to travel -Update.County will relocate Mum

    Hi All

    I didn't think I'd be back but here I am:

    The inevitable is about to happen: The Care Services have now informed me that Mum now has to move out - this is 4 weeks overdue and the decision has been made to place Mum in a home in their county an if we want to move Mum at a later date closer to my brother we can do so. I don't them of my worries regarding not moving Alzheimer's patients - yes, they are aware of that but Mum should go.

    Some of you may know that my Dad was in a care home in the same country which was under police investitation owing to suspicious deaths. My Dad was taken to the coroner's because of the situation. This on top of seeing Dad drift away, die in hospital and then be placed on a cold slab and cut open. I am terrified of the thought of the county placing my Mum somewhere like that.So terrified that when my brother asked what Dad should be buried in I replied "In his hopsital pjs - nobody should ever lay they hands on my Dad again".

    I'm not expecting replies. Just for you who want to know.
     
  19. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,249
    Can you still move her to the one of your choice?
     
  20. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,569
    Yorkshire
    Thank you for the update Brenda 16 - not the outcome you'd hoped for but maybe a neutral base for you and your brother to work from.
    I obviously can't know about the individual home they've chosen for your mum - but please do be assured that there are good homes with caring and competent staff who support their residents and their families.
    Certain sure, this one will be under your close scrutiny - and quite rightly. In a couple of weeks you can see her and check it out for yourself.
    That calls for another cuppa :)
     

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