It does not sound far to me, I have to do an eighty mile round trip just to go to the supermarket.

 

Hi Brenda16
Looks like you've been doing a sterling job looking for care homes.
I do, though, tend to agree with your brother that 26 miles is quite a long way.
I visit dad 4 afternoons a week and he's only about 6 miles away - but across town and sometimes traffic is bad. I wouldn't want him to be much further away, to be honest.
However, if your brother will only visit once a week - maybe it's not so bad. Maybe it will take 45 mins each way - totally depends on roads and traffic conditions.
If he thinks it is too far, though, then I guess it is too far - as he's the one travelling.
But, I can't help thinking that he might have brought this up earlier. And now he has, I'd be tempted to ask him to review any other possibilities himself and let you know which he thinks are within range. You don't want this happening again.

 

Speaking personally. I would listen to your brother and SIL.
IMO it would be best to have your Mum close to your brother, it wild make it much easier for them to keep a closer eye on mum and her care in the home and perhaps they would be able to visit more often.
A 52 mile round trip in many parts of England could take quite a time, also what if their was an emergency.

 

Her home town or closer to your brother, the geography is not important to your mother, unless old friends and neighbours are going to visit her on a regular basis. Your brother does have a point, the closer to family the better, who knows what kind of emergencies there may be in the future. It will not just be a quick half hour drive, lots of other things to take into account like traffic, time of day, working full time and then factoring in a visit to care home. Look for a care home closer to your brother and sister in law.

 

If you decide he's right then do follow Shedrech's suggestion and ask him to find a home he thinks is suitable.

 

It depends. How often would he be going? How is his own health? What are the other pulls on his time in terms of work and family? Is he a good driver (I ask because one of my relatives is terrible and although she's driven often and for years she's never relaxed into it and every trip is an ordeal for her, or so it seems)? etc

Fifty or so miles won't take much more than an hour on normal-ish roads with normal-ish traffic conditions, but if he can only go after work and before going home to his family, for example, then in some parts of the country even fifty miles can take far longer because of traffic jams during 'rush hours'. Add grotty weather and reliably unreliable preparations for it as far as our roads, and the distance could be a bit of a hassle.

So I'd say ask him why he feels the distance is too much. There may be valid reasons.

My other thought is that, going on my own experiences with my mum, shorter visits are very often better for her and this is how it's been for a while. So it's great if I can pop in for 20 minutes as and when, and stay longer if she's up for it or leave sooner maybe after only minutes with her and a quick chat with the staff. An hour+ round trip might make that kind of stuff harder.

One last thing to think about, as I'm sure you have, is what are the options. If this place is as perfect as you can get and there's nothing as good near your brother then that has to be a consideration, even if he has further to go. Your mum will be living there 24/7.

 

My dad is 75miles from here and even though a lot of that is motorway (not a busy section) it takes me an hour and a half to get there, so three hours travelling, which I find tiring. My sisters live much closer and can be at the care home in ten minutes and twenty minutes.
More frequent, shorter visits are best in my opinion, so I would listen to your brother and his wife.

 

Hi again Brenda16
I felt that there was more to this than a question of distance - which is why I wrote the last few sentences.
Being blunt - I think he should have raised his concerns much earlier in the process. However, he didn't. And he was happy to leave all the arrangements to you - with you being in another country. It's hard enough to be in the same location and get this right.
So you will not 'win' with him. He clearly will not compromise, so I'm afraid you must (screaming loudly in the background to let it all out).
Now - I agree with others - the decision has to be his BUT by that I mean that he has to do the hard work and choose the home.
It's no good him 'allowing' you to make a choice and all the arrangements and then shooting it down - that's just setting you up for a fall. And it's not fair on your mother.
And Sil's guilt tripper was a wonderful way of throwing it all back on you too (not sure why she couldn't pack her MiLs knickers?). I'm sure you would have been there if possible. The fact was, your brother was there and surely is more than capable of dealing with any situation.
So - tell him calmly but briefly that you honestly thought the home met all the criteria you had both set down - if it doesn't; he must find one and he must do it immediately in view of your mother's situation.
Then leave it at that.
You've done your bit for now.
Yep - TP is a great place so keep posting
PS Just read your last post. I appreciate all your concerns - but in the end if he cancels your arrangements are you in a position to have your mother moved against his wishes? If so - go ahead and deal with the fallout. If not, you have little leeway. In the end it doesn't matter what game he is playing, you must focus on the outcome for your mum. Caught between a rock and a hard place - I'd throw it all back on him.

 

Like Shedrech, I thought that there was more to your post, but it was such a straight forward question, rarely happens on here. If they have an alternative closer offering same high standards and service as the one you have found, then consider it, but if they haven't, stick to your guns with the choice you have made, its not like there is a perfect care home on every corner.

 

May I just ask
Has the Care Home place you arranged been turned down and so lost? If it has been turned down, it will not stay open, the home will find an occupant if it is not being paid for. So that option may already be closed and you may HAVE to find somewhere else.
I'm not wanting to comment on your family relationships. You're right that most family members want only the best for the PWD, the problems and frustrations arise when individuals' ideas don't match. I've found even face to face talking doesn't mean that you both understand the same of what is being said.

Totally recognise and sympathise.
Take a little time to breathe
You'll work your way through this
Very best wishes

 

My hubby lives further away than that, and I use public transport to visit him. A car journey would take half an hour to 40 minutes, depending on traffic/road conditions. Using public transport, I need a whole day! I've done the journey both ways and we use back roads here, which can be eventful when there's roadworks.

What I'm immensely grateful for is the grade of care my hubby gets, which is absolutely fantastic. That's all I could ask for. A few more miles isn't a bother to me. I'd rather he was well looked after, and he is.

 

I was very glad my mother's CH was just a short drive away. Quite apart from anything else, she would tire very quickly - an hour was usually plenty and often it was more like 45 minutes - and later on she'd often be asleep anyway. But if so, it was no big deal to pop back later, or the next day.

Latterly, when she'd had a fall or wasn't well, I was particularly glad to be close by.

Personally I would think that those who are going to be doing most of the visiting should have the greater say as to location.