Hi I'm new to the forum. My in laws moved in with my husband and I in April this year when mum decided she could no longer care for dad (aged 83) who has alzhiemers and parkinsons, mum is 82 and has various longstanding ailments that are controlled ie asthma, angina. They had lived in a retirement apartment for the last 12 years and previously we had lived as one family for 14 years, when they cared for our 2 sons (now 26 and 22) who have now both left home, whilst my husband and I followed our careers.
We are a close family; our home is a detached bungalow where mum and dad have their own small kitchen, newly fitted toilet & walk in shower, large bedroom and a conservatory overlooking the garden which is their lounge. In addition they have their own lovely reupholstered chairs in our family lounge and can move throughout the home at their leisure using our home as their own. They have been able to keep all of their own furniture but I have asked mum not to clutter up our main lounge with too many of her ornaments or pictures as we have a more modern minimalist decor to the style she prefers. We've had special handrails, raised toilet seats and ramps put in so that they can get around more easily and I'm always looking for anything to help dad, I've just bought him a lovely knife, fork and spoon set which helps him to eat more independently.
2 months after they moved in mum was in tears saying she felt like a prisioner because of the demands of looking after dad, even though my husband and I felt that she was already much better off being with us. Every Saturday she goes out all day with friends shopping etc and every Sunday we sat down to a family lunch alone or ocasionally with on of our sons and their partners. Every evening my husband and I help dad to toilet, undress and get in to bed and we're up at 5am every morning on hand to help before going to work full time. So I sat down with mum to look at their finances as they were waiting for their flat to sell so that I reduce my hours to part time and be at home with them more. It became obvious that they had plenty of disposable income so I suggested that they pay my eldest son's partner, who they adore, to become a companion/carer .. it was agreed and for the past 2 months she has been with them for 5 hours every day which means mum can go out to the post office or the local shops on her own and not have to worry about dad.
Everything is going well, dad becomes frailer and more confused every day. I'm still working full time still but their flat has just sold and within the next month I shall be at home every afternoon as well as my daughter in law being there in the mornings.
But mum constantly complains that she is still a 24 hour carer and still a prisioner? She shouts at dad gets annoyed when he doesn't know where the toilet is, annoyed when he puts something in the wrong place, annoyed when he can't remember what she's sent him to the next room to fetch or say to someone. Her idea of caring is to watch TV all day long - which dad has always detested - and then gets in a huff when he gets upset and complains.
I've downloaded information from various websites and sat down with her to quietly discuss things and to try and point her in the right direction, my husband has also tried but he's not very tactful and she gets upset. Her other son also keeps putting his oar in again not very tactfully saying she'd have been better off in her old flat and getting carers and nursing care in as he can't see that she's getting the help she thought she would with us!! She's even alienating her grandsons who cannot believe her attitude to their Grandad and her 'me me me' attitude.
We all know that it's hard on her, she's lost her husband of 62 years, but she's got lots to look forward to with a caring and loving family support network we are always planning ahead to a meal, BBQ, or just going to the shops or for a coffee and leaving dad at home watching a rugby match with one of his grandsons or my husband.
Now dad has become incontinent and when we are there we always help clean his bottom change his pants/pads and clothes and do all the washing, ironing ... we get up in the night if he has an accident and the bed needs changing ... we're always there for mum.
Last week we went on holiday with our youngest son & partner, dad was in hospital for most of the week, our eldest son was on hand and his partner were there every day to take mum hospital visting twice every day and even took her round Aldi, Tesco and Sainsburys anywhere she asked to go. But by the time we got home all hell had broke loose she had called her other son as dad had wet the bed and she just went into flap mode, my daugther in law had already arrived and put the washing on and hung it out to dry but mum kept saying she was coping all alone - needless to say her eldest son was annoyed and thought we were out of order going away and leaving her to cope on her own. He rang my son to tell him so and got short shrift which has caused an upset all round.
Can someone please tell me why mum is being so unreasonable, we bend over backwards to accomodate her, she's much better off now than she was 5 months ago. Dad has settled in lovely, he has his moments but we do laugh and cope really well. I don't regret the move at all and am very happy that I will soon only be working part time and can be at home to keep up to date with all the extra washing, ironing and cleaning and lost sleep
I've asked mum to make an appointment with her GP so we can ensure that her health and wellbeing is OK and also talk about the results from his hospitalisation last week and any extra help we can get for dad, she's agreed and we're going next week. But I know mum will try to get more medication for dad the doctor prescribed anti-depressants for him on mum's say so, without seeing him, when mum went last time. We were told by the doctors that this is what caused his hospitalisation since they had quite serious side effects reacting with other medication he's on; although mum will not agree with this theory!
Is there anyone else out there who is getting this sort of a reaction???
We are a close family; our home is a detached bungalow where mum and dad have their own small kitchen, newly fitted toilet & walk in shower, large bedroom and a conservatory overlooking the garden which is their lounge. In addition they have their own lovely reupholstered chairs in our family lounge and can move throughout the home at their leisure using our home as their own. They have been able to keep all of their own furniture but I have asked mum not to clutter up our main lounge with too many of her ornaments or pictures as we have a more modern minimalist decor to the style she prefers. We've had special handrails, raised toilet seats and ramps put in so that they can get around more easily and I'm always looking for anything to help dad, I've just bought him a lovely knife, fork and spoon set which helps him to eat more independently.
2 months after they moved in mum was in tears saying she felt like a prisioner because of the demands of looking after dad, even though my husband and I felt that she was already much better off being with us. Every Saturday she goes out all day with friends shopping etc and every Sunday we sat down to a family lunch alone or ocasionally with on of our sons and their partners. Every evening my husband and I help dad to toilet, undress and get in to bed and we're up at 5am every morning on hand to help before going to work full time. So I sat down with mum to look at their finances as they were waiting for their flat to sell so that I reduce my hours to part time and be at home with them more. It became obvious that they had plenty of disposable income so I suggested that they pay my eldest son's partner, who they adore, to become a companion/carer .. it was agreed and for the past 2 months she has been with them for 5 hours every day which means mum can go out to the post office or the local shops on her own and not have to worry about dad.
Everything is going well, dad becomes frailer and more confused every day. I'm still working full time still but their flat has just sold and within the next month I shall be at home every afternoon as well as my daughter in law being there in the mornings.
But mum constantly complains that she is still a 24 hour carer and still a prisioner? She shouts at dad gets annoyed when he doesn't know where the toilet is, annoyed when he puts something in the wrong place, annoyed when he can't remember what she's sent him to the next room to fetch or say to someone. Her idea of caring is to watch TV all day long - which dad has always detested - and then gets in a huff when he gets upset and complains.
I've downloaded information from various websites and sat down with her to quietly discuss things and to try and point her in the right direction, my husband has also tried but he's not very tactful and she gets upset. Her other son also keeps putting his oar in again not very tactfully saying she'd have been better off in her old flat and getting carers and nursing care in as he can't see that she's getting the help she thought she would with us!! She's even alienating her grandsons who cannot believe her attitude to their Grandad and her 'me me me' attitude.
We all know that it's hard on her, she's lost her husband of 62 years, but she's got lots to look forward to with a caring and loving family support network we are always planning ahead to a meal, BBQ, or just going to the shops or for a coffee and leaving dad at home watching a rugby match with one of his grandsons or my husband.
Now dad has become incontinent and when we are there we always help clean his bottom change his pants/pads and clothes and do all the washing, ironing ... we get up in the night if he has an accident and the bed needs changing ... we're always there for mum.
Last week we went on holiday with our youngest son & partner, dad was in hospital for most of the week, our eldest son was on hand and his partner were there every day to take mum hospital visting twice every day and even took her round Aldi, Tesco and Sainsburys anywhere she asked to go. But by the time we got home all hell had broke loose she had called her other son as dad had wet the bed and she just went into flap mode, my daugther in law had already arrived and put the washing on and hung it out to dry but mum kept saying she was coping all alone - needless to say her eldest son was annoyed and thought we were out of order going away and leaving her to cope on her own. He rang my son to tell him so and got short shrift which has caused an upset all round.
Can someone please tell me why mum is being so unreasonable, we bend over backwards to accomodate her, she's much better off now than she was 5 months ago. Dad has settled in lovely, he has his moments but we do laugh and cope really well. I don't regret the move at all and am very happy that I will soon only be working part time and can be at home to keep up to date with all the extra washing, ironing and cleaning and lost sleep
I've asked mum to make an appointment with her GP so we can ensure that her health and wellbeing is OK and also talk about the results from his hospitalisation last week and any extra help we can get for dad, she's agreed and we're going next week. But I know mum will try to get more medication for dad the doctor prescribed anti-depressants for him on mum's say so, without seeing him, when mum went last time. We were told by the doctors that this is what caused his hospitalisation since they had quite serious side effects reacting with other medication he's on; although mum will not agree with this theory!
Is there anyone else out there who is getting this sort of a reaction???
