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Am I being selfish ?

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
Jim, of course I'm sorry to hear about your stress and your Mum being in hospital but I am so, so pleased that perhaps this is the way forward to getting you some help, and your life back. Sometimes it does take a crisis to get things moving, unfortunately, but if you get some assistance, then that is the silver lining in this.

Advice here is do NOT be polite, gloss over details, pull any punches, or deliver anything except the blistering truth, when asked about the situation and if you need help. Tell them everything you told us. In fact, you could just print out your post and not have to repeat yourself!

But don't sell yourself short! Definitely accept any help that is offered, and don't be shy to ask for it. You cannot keep going, as you have been. Something must change, you've been handed an opportunity, so I do hope you can seize it.

Best wishes to you and if and when you get a chance, do let us know how you get on, please.
 
Last edited:

care2share

Registered User
Jun 14, 2015
92
London
h
Once again I am overwhelmed with the support of the latest posts - thank you all so much and every one of them is gratefully received.

Bambini - your post made my day to hear that the replies have helped you too. Good luck and I hope that the medication for your mum continues to give you some life back.

Armed with all of this information and support I realise how I need to change the situation for the better for both of us.
Apologies for not thanking you earlier but the last four days have been a bit traumatic.
Mum had a slight fall on Friday after going out in the car (the old one still at present -new one in the wings) for the first time since January. I was assisting her over the threshold of the kitchen door when her legs crumbled and she slowly sank down into a praying position with me trying to hold her from behind. Her knees were on the hard kitchen floor and her head rested on the padded seat of the wheelchair. I dialled 999 but they were so busy. After two hours, and several phone calls, my neighbour came home from work and the two of us got mum back in the wheelchair and then to her riser/recliner. The ambulance team eventually turned up another two hours later and checked her over and all seemed okay although it took me until nearly 4.30am to get her to sleep.
We had to have medical help out twice on Saturday when she could not get out of her chair to go to the toilet. This had alerted the authorities and the local crisis support team were brilliant on Sunday getting a hospital air bed delivered in the afternoon and mum equipped with an emergency button around her neck. Her mobility was getting worse on Monday morning and she was in apin with her right knee. I got the ambulance in and they admitted her to hospital and I spent the day with her ensuring that all the paperwork had the same details as mum was very confused with the UTI also coming back again. Luckily the x-rays showed that there was no fracture of the hip and her knee was badly bruised. They are keeping her in until the UTI has been cleared and her mobility improved. It has also been quite useful that she has been verbally and physically aggressive towards me in front of the nurses (apparently she was a bit verbal towards the sister as well !). They wanted to know if this was normal as they were ignoring it because of the UTI. I mentioned her previous behaviour so the memory clinic are going to see her hopefully tomorrow. The crisis support team are also getting carers and a district nurse set up while Friday's meeting with the care assessment can go ahead without mum being here which in some ways is very useful.
So perhaps at the end of the day this might work out well for both of us as it might mean that mum might get a bit more mobile while she will have other women in the house to talk to which ultimately I think will benefit her.
It also meant I slept in a proper bed in my bedroom last night for the first time in a year !. I am installing a bell for mum to ring me if she needs me at night so I can continue to sleep upstairs. It may mean having to sleep on the floor when she first comes back depending upon her needs but the bed pulls up on both sides so she cannot fall out.At last I can see things slowly falling into place. Thanks again for all your hard work and kind words.
Take care all of you and I hope that the posts have helped others,
Jim xx
Hello JimB
Please forgive me for not having read all your posts and replies from start to now but I was just wondering whether you have POA for Health and Welfare. I remember one post did mention you do it pronto if it's not too late already. I guess if you do not have POA H & W someone is soon going to tell you Mum will have to go in to a care home and will not be allowed to come home even if you would have liked to continue to look after her. In my own experience, I am finding the separation from my Mother much harder than the time when I was looking after her but your caring is very full on and 24/7 or has been, I should say. In answer to your question, I think you are the most unselfish person I've come to know of. However, it is obviously time you were a little more so. I think you will have to get help in whether Mum is keen on it or not. She may get used to it. I think getting the car and hopefully enjoying it will be the little bit of fun that enables you to carry on. You positively need this car. "Too much work and no fun makes Jack a dull boy", however, I can tell that you are the kind of person who would find himself selling his classic car in order to make room on the driveway for the disability access vehicle. I wish all the best for you (and Mum) and hope you manage to get Mum home, stay in control of the situation and find there is a care solution that works. All the best.
 

JimB

Registered User
Jun 29, 2015
16
A quick update and to thank all of you once more for your support.
A fortnight later and Mum is still in hospital. The UTI seems to have cleared up now but her sodium levels were low so they have been working on correcting this problem. Thankfully the levels have now risen to the required level although there is also a concern about a narrow valve to her heart, the consultant was thinking about a hip replacement op but this is on hold at present.
So far Mum has not responded well to physiotherapy and her movements are still very stiff. Apparently though the ward sister was telling me that Mum is terrified of putting any weight on her right leg as she is convinced that the physio and the nurses keep letting her fall on the floor (which they do not of course). She is getting very tense and frightened again when I go to visit her twice a day and keeps telling everyone that she has had enough and wants to be discharged otherwise she will give up living and we will have this on our conscience !.
The meeting with Lizzie from Carers IW was a great success. She was very supportive and got the Carers Assessment report typed up and sent out on the same day as seeing me. She has recommended carer support twice a day with a sitter service of at least two hours per week. I have sent off my Attendance Allowance forms and now working on the LPA forms although I might struggle to get these completed until Mum is out of hospital.
Mum had a slight setback on Saturday night when she was ill and I spent most of Sunday at the hospital comforting her. Thankfully after 24 hours of no fluid and food, she was back to her old self on Monday and eating again which was a relief.
I had an additional incident on the previous Saturday when I was involved in a car accident on my way to the hospital. I had pulled out of the junction of our road on to the main road when a car came out of a drive on the opposite side of the road and instead of filtering in behind me rammed the panel by the rear wheel arch on the drivers side. As I was only travelling at about 15 mph at the time, I pulled straight in to avoid any delays to the traffic. The lady driver was very apologetic and stated that she had seen that the road was clear on her side but forgot to look left !.
Thankfully the car was still driveable and I was able to get to the hospital in time so Mum was completely unaware. The car is now in the repairers and I have a hire car until Friday when I am picking up my new car. As previously mentioned I have known the garage owner since school and he is happy to exchange while my old car is being repaired which is very kind of him and much appreciated. I had a test drive last Friday, car is as great as I thought it would be.
Anyway enough of my ramblings, thanks again for your support, much appreciated and hope all is well with you.
Take care, Jim
 

Julia B

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
79
Shedrech and the others are all spot on, you are a wonderful son, and you deserve this car so very much....please get it, please get help and please follow the wise words from the TP'ers, you're doing an amazing job but don't lose yourself...your Mum wouldn't want that x
 

JimB

Registered User
Jun 29, 2015
16
Thanks Julia, I have been advised to ask for a Discharge Planning Meeting before my Mum leaves hospital to ensure that the care package and any further support is in place when she arrives home.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,582
South coast
Thanks Julia, I have been advised to ask for a Discharge Planning Meeting before my Mum leaves hospital to ensure that the care package and any further support is in place when she arrives home.
Yes, make sure everything is in place before she goes home
x
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,130
Yorkshire
Hi JimB
sorry need to be brief
good to have your update
not good about car prang - but oh so pleased to read of test drive!!!:)
Great that carer assessment went well - and some support will be put in place
Sorry your mother has been put through the ringer
Agree with Canary and Julia B DO NOT let your mother come home without a full care package in place - push for full re-ablement - my dad got 4 visits a day, OT to check house and put in aids, physio etc and FREE for 6 weeks (though he did live alone - I visited but didn't live with him)
best wishes
 

JimB

Registered User
Jun 29, 2015
16
Thanks Canary and Shedrech, some more great advice. Just got back from visiting Mum who is getting very worked up about wanting to come home which is understandable. She is wanting me to arrange an early discharge which I am ignoring (just quietly playing it down to her though it takes a bit of time to calm her completely) as the full package has to be in place before she comes out otherwise I will be back to square one. In addition her mobility needs to be a bit better than at present, ideally at least to be back to how she was before the fall. She is fortunate that there is a good medical team looking after her although she is totally unimpressed by the food which seems to be the same level at all hospitals !.
 

care2share

Registered User
Jun 14, 2015
92
London
Thanks Canary and Shedrech, some more great advice. Just got back from visiting Mum who is getting very worked up about wanting to come home which is understandable. She is wanting me to arrange an early discharge which I am ignoring (just quietly playing it down to her though it takes a bit of time to calm her completely) as the full package has to be in place before she comes out otherwise I will be back to square one. In addition her mobility needs to be a bit better than at present, ideally at least to be back to how she was before the fall. She is fortunate that there is a good medical team looking after her although she is totally unimpressed by the food which seems to be the same level at all hospitals !.
Hi JimB
I understand your reasons for ignoring your Mum's requests for an early discharge but remember you do not have LPA and therefor do not have much say in the matter. I would get the care set up as soon as possible, make sure, as much as you can that the arrangements are safe and workable and get Mum home without too much delay. I would not postpone doing the LPA waiting for Mum to be discharged. It could easily be done at the bed side. Thank heavens any hip replacement has been put off for the moment as she could come out of the anaesthetic with less mental capacity than she went in with. She has already not responded well to physiotherapy. It could result in her mobility being lost for good and all. This would leave her with nursing needs such as hoisting etc. things that you would not be allowed to do and something that would require the assistance of two people and in turn make her home care mega expensive. Of course, I have no idea if she is self funding. I do hope Mum gains strength and gets to return home and that all is not lost in a Best Interests Meeting. After all, she is so wanting to come home and I'm sure you too would be devastated.
P.S. just curious to know.....is the car modern or classic?
All the best. Keep posting.
 

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