1. Hannah_1234

    Hannah_1234 Registered User

    Apr 1, 2019
    10
    My dad has been diagnosed with alzheimers at the start of this year and recently has begun struggling more with daily tasks (forgets shopping once hes paid, cznt use oven but ok with microwave) and withdrawing himself socially (never was particularly social before) and from things he enjoys.
    Part of me thinks he should come and live with my family but another part (possibly a bigger one) just doesnt want to do that. I am young and want to have more children in the next couple of years and continue working part time and then go back to full time ( cant afford not to) but cant see that I'd be able to do so if he lived with me. I feel like I'd have to put everything on hold and that would be unfair on my own little family. My own mental health isn't the best either, I get stressed and
    overwhelmed easily. I dont think that living with other family would be an option as they dont live nearby.
    But these feelings also make me feel guilty that perhaps I'm not doing my best for him to stay out of a home for as long as possible as hes already said he doesnt want to go into a home (I'm aware that this time will come).

    Even writing this makes me feel that people are going to say I'm being selfish in thinking of myself over my dad.

    I dont really know what I want from this post. I'm at a bit of a loss at what I expect of myself and what I think others expect me to do
     
  2. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    328
    channel islands
    I would not say you are selfish in the slightest. Do not worry about what other people think - I look after my MIL in an annex at our house, she moved in 7 years ago. To be honest if I knew then I that this would happen, then I would have said no to it as my life has had to go on hold for the last 3 years and who knows how much longer. We cannot move, we cannot go on holiday when we want, everything revolves around the MIL and her care. Dont get me wrong I love her to pieces but there is a part of me that says what if I knew then what I know now...?

    I am sure there are others on here that can start sign posting you to organising carers etc etc for your dad but do not feel that you are doing the wrong thing by not considering your dad moving in with you. Put yourself first and do not feel bad about it. Wishing you well
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,814
    Female
    South coast
    Of course you are not selfish
    You are right that dementia will completely take over your life if your mum comes to live with you.
    I am a 24/7 carer for my OH, but I never was for my mum. My mum also said she never wanted to go into a care home, but when the time came she was happy there, joined in the activities and made friends. I think people with dementia are frightened of doing anything different and there are also distant memories of the poor house.

    You can make sure that your mum is safe and looked after without doing the hands-on stuff.
     
  4. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    629
    Female
    The last word to describe yourself with is selfish, you are anything but. You are a caring daughter who has her father's future to plan for.

    It sounds as if you are at the beginning of planning for your dad's care needs and you will find there are options available that don't include dad moving in with you - has he even expressed a desire to live with you or is it you thinking that's what family's do with their "olds", well, look around this forum, read other people's threads and you will see that it isn't.

    Acknowledge that you have your life to live and that doesn't include dad in the same household; wouldn't it be unbearable for dad to move in and feelings of resentment start to build, so, get rid of any guilty feelings, which if you have any, are misplaced anyway, and then you will be able to move on and give your dad 100% support to sort out what is best for him.

    Other people here will give you lots of help regarding care / carers / care homes, but please be kind to yourself and look forward with positivity, knowing that you are doing your very best for your dad.
     
  5. Hannah_1234

    Hannah_1234 Registered User

    Apr 1, 2019
    10
    He mentioned it to someone else but not to me. I have just found that whenever friends ask how he and I are doing it always ends in " so is he going to live with you?"
    I will read some other threads as you suggested.
    I'd hate to start resenting him as I dont think I'm willing to have it take over my own life.
    Thank you for your support
     
  6. Hannah_1234

    Hannah_1234 Registered User

    Apr 1, 2019
    10
    It's good to hear an honest view from people who are going through it.
    I'm dontbthink I'm willing to have it take over my life completely like that (props to you for sticking at it though) as i feel like I'm just starting to build my own life with my child, future children and saving to move into our own house and get married. I'd hate for all of that to be put on hold or never happen. Thank you for your honesty
     
  7. Hannah_1234

    Hannah_1234 Registered User

    Apr 1, 2019
    10

    You can make sure that your mum is safe and looked after without doing the hands-on stuff ......I dont think I've ever thought of it like that before. It has put me at ease a bit that I'd still be doing what best for him I suppose. Can I ask at what stage did you decide your mum needed to go Into care?
     
  8. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,906
    Female
    I never did any hands-on care for my mother, I saw my role as arranging care to ensure she was comfortable and safe. To begin with that was care at home, and when that wasn't enough she moved to a care home.

    In terms of the right time for a care home, no one will be able to tell you an exact answer. It becomes apparent the person is not safe on their own, and needs constant supervision. My mother started wandering outside and getting lost, she was lonely and anxious when the carers weren't there, and she no longer recognised her own flat. At this stage you may get constant phone calls as the person is constantly confused and anxious (although I didn't, as my mother couldn't remember how to use the phone). She is much more content in the care home where she has constant help and reassurance - it's genuinely 'home' for her now.

    Do you have power of attorney for your dad? If not, I would arrange it asap.
     
  9. Mydarlingdaughter

    Mydarlingdaughter Registered User

    Oct 25, 2019
    36
    No, you are not being selfish. You are being realistic.
    I am sorry if what I am about to write causes offence to anyone...you are not, not, not, legally or morally obliged to do anything for him. Even if you love him dearly.
    Do what you can to decide what is best for all concerned, including yourself. Talk to your GP and other family members. Your Dad had a diagnosis so it may be possible to talk to his GP and consultant. Talk to the helpline at Alzheimers Disease Society. I would be wary of committing yourself to anything before you are sure of all the ramifications.
    When I realised the situation with my Mum could feasaby continue for anther 20 years, and I worked out how old I would be, I knew the only way I could survive was to very firmly state my boundaries.
     
  10. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    806
    Female
    cornwall
    Hi! You are NOT being selfish.I look after my dad 4days a week with the help of outside carers 7times a week.
    I have boundaries as this is the only way it works.He stays in his own home with the help of all of us.
    I’m an only child so every thing is left to me to organise/speak with as I co ordinate everything with everyone..
    I think you are being sensible but it is so easy to get caught up with PWD that it takes over your life.
     
  11. JJ62

    JJ62 New member

    Nov 9, 2019
    8
    So sorry to hear about your Dad. It is an awful journey to embark on. I like you feel selfish even though people say I have gone above and beyond. I retired early to look after my Mum as I found a pressurised job and caring did not work. For the past year I have cared 7 days a week without a break and it has taken its toll. Mum is now in respite to give me a break but I feel guilty about that too. Don't make the mistakes I made, make time for yourself and your family. I have missed so much of my grandsons childhood and that will never come back. Remember you are young and your life is ahead of you so enjoy, do what you can when you can and don't feel guilty.
     
  12. Hannah_1234

    Hannah_1234 Registered User

    Apr 1, 2019
    10
    Yes I've got power of attorney. It's good to know that your mum finds it to be her home and is more settled I hope the same will happen with my dad.
     
  13. Hannah_1234

    Hannah_1234 Registered User

    Apr 1, 2019
    10
    I need to find a way past the guilt and feeling like I'm not doing enough when I am doing more than everyone else (I do have a good support network they're just all not living close enough to help like I do). I get the added mum guilt too that when I'm helping dad with things I'm not spending time with my son
     
  14. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,814
    Female
    South coast
    It was the stage when she could no longer cook or even make herself a cup of tea and would not allow the carers to do it for her, but mostly it was also that at the same time she stared wandering outside during the night in her dressinggown, so I could not keep her safe
     
  15. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    629
    Female
    Friends!! They mean well but don't always have a grasp of the reality you are facing, although the chances are they will have their own "what shall we do about ........... " in the future.

    Be firm and strong and say that you are organising the best possible care for your dad (whatever that may be); in the end what counts is seeing how content your dad will be when you know you have done your best for him. No-one can expect more then that.

    My mum lives with us and as @Donkeyshere mentioned, it affects every part of your life, you eat, sleep and breathe dementia.
    I'm not saying we wouldn't have moved mum in, the dreadful situation we faced nearly three years ago gave us no choice in the matter, and we have learnt on the job since, so to speak.
    The greatest help for me has been finding this site. It made me realise that if the time comes when my husband and I can no longer look after mum, there will be no shame in admitting it and then look for another solution, so keep posting, it really will help you stay sane!
    xx
     
  16. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,968
    no not selfish
    Sensible is the word that comes to mind.
    Guilt - at wanting a life & children; the joy that your Dad will get from a new grandchild & your happiness, it’s easy to forget that parents want the best for their children.
    You are still your dads daughter & he wants the best for you. x
     
  17. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    189
    I’ve posted this on a couple of other threads - and I think it’s appropriate on this one too. I took a lot of strength from reading it.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/life-after-50/201608/taking-care-elderly-parents

    No matter how much you love a relative, there is no law that says you have to care for them to the detriment of your own health and well-being. A lot of people have this mental image of elderly relatives living happily in an extended family like The Waltons. The reality is it’s very, very hard and try to view it another way; if your family member was suffering from a physical disease, you’d want the best support and care from the professionals for that person, you wouldn’t struggle along on your own, would you? Dementia is a disease too and therefore, you shouldn’t feel bad or selfish about finding it hard to cope. By planning and arranging your dad’s appropriate care needs you’re doing most unselfish and loving things a daughter can do. You should be proud of yourself.

    Unfortunately, the suffer won’t get better, only worse, so the stage your father is at today, is the best he will ever be. Please don’t put your life on hold, you’re the one with the future. Go for it Xx
     
  18. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    806
    Female
    cornwall
    I remember reading this before as I suffered from “should “.Although I had set boundaries with my dad,the one I had difficulty with was taking him out in the wheelchair.When I got diagnosed with Osteoarthritis it put the “should” into “I won’t “.It made it clearer and I don’t feel “guilty “
     
  19. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,968
    For me it’s at the stage when your PWD becomes like a young toddler or baby; & that’s when the real issues arise as you are aware that without your continuing presence to nurture & support you are leaving them alone & in the care of those not capable of looking after them
     
  20. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    806
    Female
    cornwall
    That is true..
     

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