Dear Sparrowlon
Be clear in your own mind you are not being selfish. What you are doing is considering a very major future decision. Take your time. Your post suggests you are not yet at the point where an employment decision is urgently needed? You may ultimately decide to stop working and care for your mum full time, or continue working, assisting as best you can in your mum’s care, which is just as valid a decision. Full time caring or working whilst you sort out mum’s finances, shopping, visiting carers, etc, both are caring roles just one is more direct. Both involve personal sacrifices and each has merit. Only you can decide. Below I outline some points to consider, to start you thinking some more hopefully.
1) I am guessing you are say mid forties? Giving up work has significant financial implications as regards wages and your future pension pot. You would lose contact with most of your work colleagues, holidays will become harder to organise and finance. As the caring role developed you would more and more be mostly identified in that role, by the world and also by yourself. After caring for what could be a lengthy period could you get back into your field of work? Starting employment again in a new field in say your fifties would be a challenge.
2) When a decision is required would it have to be an all or nothing one? Could you then reduce your hours, work from home if the employer recognised you had caring responsibilities, allowing you to make an informed decision over time, not just step off a ledge. Any of those actions could deliver an alternative course of action to leaving employment, which most likely would remain viable for some time.
3) Remember if you decide to keep working full time that is your choice as well. Either decision is valid, choices you make, based on as much information as you can get and what you personally want to do. Do not let others sway you if you really think staying fully or partly employed is the best course of action at that time. It would be you making the sacrifices no one else. You need to be mindful of your own longer term interests. I gave up work to care for my mum, but I was nearer retirement age, pension sorted, no partner to consider, no dependants, looking back on matters a privileged position few others have.
4) Your mum would want you to have a life, but only you can decide what you want to do with it. Make a list of pros and cons, be honest with yourself about what you are willing to sacrifice, what you can take on. The worse thing would be to give up work in the future, become a carer and overtime regret the decision. That most likely would badly impact on your relationship with your mother? Have you discussed this with your mum? She might very strongly oppose the action you are thinking of taking. I do not know how advanced her Dementia is at present, but her view is an important one.
With outside carers visiting your mum when required (would your mum be self funding?), you helping where you can, you might find It is quite a way into the future before an employment decision is required, if you wanted to get fully involved with her day to day care. So many other things I could mention but no doubt others will later.
There is no right or wrong answer we all have to make our own decisions based on what we know about ourselves, our personal circumstances, etc.. Nothing to do with anyone else. Whatever you decide I sincerely hope it works out for the best, both for you and your mum. Your a lovely person just by thinking about the level of sacrifice you would be making. Your mum is lucky to have you in her life. Caring can be a rewarding experience, but Dementia is an illness that just keeps taking. Read some of the threads here to get a real feel for what caring for your mum might involve. IMHO try to postpone any employment decision, concentrate on gaining knowledge about the illness, arrange practical steps like Lasting Powers of Attorney, etc. Also enjoy your time with your mum now, before her illness gets worse. Best wishes.
