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Am I being ridiculous?

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
211
0
New Zealand
Some of you will know that MH is in a rest home an hour and a half's drive from here. I have struggled over the past 5 months as to whether I should stay here or move to live in the same town he is in. We were so close until dementia got in the way, but the closeness has been rekindled by us being apart. Now all I can think of is selling up so I can be closer physically to MH. I want to see him every day and volunteer in the rest home. MH was my life and I was his and I hate this separation. The simplest solution, of course, is to stay here. Moving would probably mean a small mortgage, but I think I'm prepared to do that as I am so unhappy the way things are.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,962
0
N Ireland
All I can say is that I think that life is too short to be wasted being unhappy so if you can both make, and afford, the change I wouldn't say you are being ridiculous.

I recently took on a small mortgage to move to a bungalow with my wife so that we could better enjoy life while we can. I'm also prone to changing my car more often than is financially prudent because I think that when dementia enters your life you need to give yourself a boost as often as you can.

I'm glad that yours is one of those cases where a move to residential care works out so well. I wish you and your OH all the very best.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,924
0
South coast
Be careful of leaving your home. In UK the house is disregarded in any financial assessment of care home fees all the while the spouse is living in it, but if you move out into a rented flat it would would be considered fair game. I dont know what the rules are in New Zealand, but if you are thinking of renting and living somewhere else, then do check up first.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,720
0
Dorset
My concern would be that if you move you would lose any support network you currently have, friends, neighbours etc., especially as you sound as though you want to spend all your time with your husband at the home. Once he has gone I worry that you could end up isolated, possibly in a very short time as dementia can take our loved ones unexpectedly. After breaking his femur The Banjoman deteriorated rapidly and ended up spending just eight months in residential care.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
211
0
New Zealand
@margherita @canary No, I can't rent, otherwise I would have to pay the rest home fees. That's why the only other choice is to sell up and buy there. If MH passed away before I do (and it's quite possible I could go first) and I wasn't happy there, I could move back here. I don't really have a huge support network here, but I have 2 nieces in the other town and a sister who would be an hour closer to me there than she is here. She's also the mother of 1 of my nieces who live there. The other thing is that although I love our present home, there are a lot of grounds to look after, and while I do enjoy gardening, with half an acre to look after, it is getting a bit much, so sooner or later I would have to downsize anyway.
 

Nannyslittlechip

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
65
0
52
Liverpool
Write down all the pros and cons and see what the outcome is. Really think about it though. Whatever the outcome go with it. Only you know what the best thing to do is. Good luck in whatever you decide to do ❤️❤️
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,972
0
Kent
Your husband has a progressive disease @Pusskins and today is the best he will ever be.

When you make a decision please think of the long term effect on you and be sure you will not be left in a worse state than you are now.

I will be forever grateful to my husband for the safety and security he has left me with in the home I have now.
 

DennyD

Registered User
Dec 6, 2016
182
0
Porthcawl, South Wales
@margherita @canary No, I can't rent, otherwise I would have to pay the rest home fees. That's why the only other choice is to sell up and buy there. If MH passed away before I do (and it's quite possible I could go first) and I wasn't happy there, I could move back here. I don't really have a huge support network here, but I have 2 nieces in the other town and a sister who would be an hour closer to me there than she is here. She's also the mother of 1 of my nieces who live there. The other thing is that although I love our present home, there are a lot of grounds to look after, and while I do enjoy gardening, with half an acre to look after, it is getting a bit much, so sooner or later I would have to downsize anyway.
Sounds to me that you are already thinking this through quite clearly. As Nannyslittlechip mentioned, a pros and cons list is a good idea, what you describe above seem to be good pros. You say you feel unhappy, if this is persistent then why not take the chance? Yes it may not work out as you plan but if you think it through carefully and can create a safety net (you seem close to your sister and nieces), then why not do what feels right to you?
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,282
0
I would be asking questions, then some more questions.

Does the care home actually want you as a volunteer?

Are there any other volunteers you can take for a coffee and chat to? do they feel like a welcome addition to the team or is there anything you need to know?

If you are thinking of downsizing, losing land and still needing a mortgage I am thinking the town must have more facilities which might be nice?

I would be asking about good areas and bad areas.

Any new roads planned?

I might consider a visit to the planning office just to ask if there was anything I should consider if I moved to the area? It might sound like a stupid question but I would kill them with kindness and tell them a story about being on my own and not being able to make a mistake, and you never know what they may tell you?

I would consider public transport to local shops and facilities, you may not have your car forever and need to think how you would operate without one.

Maybe go to some where like a library and if you see a staff member under occupied, pin on your most charming smile and pick their brain.

Perhaps get a valuation on your property then try and establish what your money would buy?

Try and imagine if he is not around in one years time, will you mourn the house which has the memories you both made, or are you in a mental place to be able to start again in the new town.

I am presuming you only have half his pension money and he hasn’t been in the home that long, make sure you are 100 per cent positive you can afford a mortgage, there is nothing a nice as owning a property outright.

Do you always rush to the town then home again? Could you book a cheap hotel or guest house for a few days and just explore the whole area in more depth ?