Am i being cruel getting mum up?

[Jessy82]

Hi everyone, I live with my mum who has advanced dementia, she goes to bed around 9pm and can sleep till I go in in the morning to get her up, she is often awake when I go in, just staring at the ceiling, she can't communicate, just babbles, but I can tell by the tone of her voice she is frightened, doesn't want to get out of bed. I sometimes leave her till around 12pm, to see if she'll get up hherself but she doesn't. She's quite fit physically and can walk, but I believe if I didn't force her to get up she would be bedridden.

Once up she has breakfast watches TV and I take her the shops and lunch in a cafe, she likes being in the car. But worry I'm being cruel, getting her out of bed and dragging her out, when really she just wants to stay in bed, which I know would lead to a decline being totally bedridden. This happened to my aunt who I looked after, she refused to get out of bed and stayed there for 4 years till she died, she could voice her opinion, mum can't. Am I being terrible forcing mum up when she's terrified of everything around her .?

 

[canary]

Hi @Jessy82 thats a difficult one. I agree that generally it is better to get them up to prevent a lot of physical problems and as she enjoys going out it would be a shame if this stopped. I wonder whether it would be worth talking to her doctor and seeing if there is medication to reduce her anxiety.

 

[Lawson58]

Hi Jessy,

If your mum is physically able to go out with you, go to the shops and have lunch out, I think you are being very wise and diligent in getting your mum up and moving. I am sure she would deteriorate far more quickly if you left her to stay in bed.

I think you are being very caring and it is not easy to make this concerted effort so please forget the guilt. The time will come when your mum may not be able to get out of bed and you will be pleased that did all that you could.

We all do the best that we can so just keep up the great work.

 

[RosettaT]

My OH is quite happy these days to spend the day in bed. I asked his OT about why he sleeps when in his chair but is wide awake watching tv when in bed. She said it's because in bed he is relaxed in his chair his muscles are switched to keep him sitting up, so it tires him.
She did say there is nothing wrong with leaving him in bed more often IF we get him up and stand him for 15mins every morning, (he's immobile, transfer only) to maintain the strength in his legs and keep him weigh bearing, then put him back to bed. I would rather he be 'with it' in bed then 'out of it' in his chair. That said, I have noticed that the days we go out he is more with it and stimulated, so I make sure his time equally split between going out, sitting in his chair and staying in bed. Come the warmer weather I'm hoping it will be less time in bed and more at least sitting out, it's all a balancing act really.
I would say if your mum isn't in pain when she's up then taking her out will do her more good than leaving her in bed.

 

[Jessy82]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support, canary, mum has been on mirtazapine for years, maybe it's effect is wearing off. Also Lorazepam as needed, we have tried sertraline and memantine in the past without success.