It's another marathon post! Sorry!
As many of you know I am weaning mum (85, carer breakdown) off me ... starting off with two days a week 'off', now working up to three and will see how I go from there.
Mum's up and down, some days good, some bad. She isn't taking up any offers of things that might help her - social activities etc, counselling and so on. I asked her if she had thought about contacting the counselling organisation her GP recommended. She said 'I've thought about it' (but done nothing). I have already tried to 'set her up' with a counsellor, and a psychologist. Mistake. She saw the counsellor once and the psychologist twice before she told them she wouldn't be continuing. I am now leaving it to her. If she doesn't, she doesn't.
I'm getting up to my 4th weekend day off in a row and although she hasn't quite twigged yet she is starting to resist it (which I expected) and start to negotiate as to why I should see her.
This Saturday we are seeing my MIL - she lives 45 miles away and is not in the best of health, herself. We used to see her and my FIL regularly until he died 3 1/2 years ago - thereafter we used to go and see her as much as we could until the problems over the last year and a half with my parents which meant we neglected her a bit, I feel.
MIL gets lonely and doesn't have the best relationship in the workd with her daughter, my SIL. I am quite concerned that my SIL is heading for carer breakdown herself, because she has a job, a husband, and my MILs care to be responsible for ... I was nearly there myself until I put the brakes on.
I don't have to justify not seeing my mum and having time to myself - or giving my time to someone else, like my family. I never did, but it's taken me a while to realise that. But the negotiating starts.
(names have been changed to protect the innocent - haha)
Me:
'We're going to see Janet (MIL) this weekend mum. She's not been well at all'
Mum:
'What about Sharon (DIL)? Why can't she go?'
Me:
'We haven't seen Janet in quite a while. I think its about time we did'
Mum:
'Doesn't she have carers going in? She has someone visiting her already. Well I expect no one will be around FOR ME. I wish I had someone to visit nearby. I shall have to spend the day on my own' (sad face )
I know she finds doing new things different, so I offered to phone a taxi (she finds it hard to make phone calls) for her to go and visit one of her other sisters but all she said was 'I'll see if I can sort something else out first' (in mum-speak that means she wont do anything)
The difference now is that it doesn't break my resolve. Sometimes I think I'm being cruel, then I get a grip on myself and remind myself how it used to be when I saw her
Every.
Single.
Day.
I actually don't think she can stop herself doing it. when she was first ill (and carer breakdown is AWFUL, don't get me wrong) I leapt to attention all the time, and was by her side constantly because she WAS very seriously mentally ill. I wish, with hindsight, that I hadn't even in the depth of her illness because it feels like I have really made a rod for my own back. Having said that I have to cut down on my visiting now, albeit gently, for the sake of my own sanity.
I just wish it wasn't so HARD! I wish she didn't try to trip me up at every hurdle.
I wish lots of things - we all do ....
As many of you know I am weaning mum (85, carer breakdown) off me ... starting off with two days a week 'off', now working up to three and will see how I go from there.
Mum's up and down, some days good, some bad. She isn't taking up any offers of things that might help her - social activities etc, counselling and so on. I asked her if she had thought about contacting the counselling organisation her GP recommended. She said 'I've thought about it' (but done nothing). I have already tried to 'set her up' with a counsellor, and a psychologist. Mistake. She saw the counsellor once and the psychologist twice before she told them she wouldn't be continuing. I am now leaving it to her. If she doesn't, she doesn't.
I'm getting up to my 4th weekend day off in a row and although she hasn't quite twigged yet she is starting to resist it (which I expected) and start to negotiate as to why I should see her.
This Saturday we are seeing my MIL - she lives 45 miles away and is not in the best of health, herself. We used to see her and my FIL regularly until he died 3 1/2 years ago - thereafter we used to go and see her as much as we could until the problems over the last year and a half with my parents which meant we neglected her a bit, I feel.
MIL gets lonely and doesn't have the best relationship in the workd with her daughter, my SIL. I am quite concerned that my SIL is heading for carer breakdown herself, because she has a job, a husband, and my MILs care to be responsible for ... I was nearly there myself until I put the brakes on.
I don't have to justify not seeing my mum and having time to myself - or giving my time to someone else, like my family. I never did, but it's taken me a while to realise that. But the negotiating starts.
(names have been changed to protect the innocent - haha)
Me:
'We're going to see Janet (MIL) this weekend mum. She's not been well at all'
Mum:
'What about Sharon (DIL)? Why can't she go?'
Me:
'We haven't seen Janet in quite a while. I think its about time we did'
Mum:
'Doesn't she have carers going in? She has someone visiting her already. Well I expect no one will be around FOR ME. I wish I had someone to visit nearby. I shall have to spend the day on my own' (sad face )
I know she finds doing new things different, so I offered to phone a taxi (she finds it hard to make phone calls) for her to go and visit one of her other sisters but all she said was 'I'll see if I can sort something else out first' (in mum-speak that means she wont do anything)
The difference now is that it doesn't break my resolve. Sometimes I think I'm being cruel, then I get a grip on myself and remind myself how it used to be when I saw her
Every.
Single.
Day.
I actually don't think she can stop herself doing it. when she was first ill (and carer breakdown is AWFUL, don't get me wrong) I leapt to attention all the time, and was by her side constantly because she WAS very seriously mentally ill. I wish, with hindsight, that I hadn't even in the depth of her illness because it feels like I have really made a rod for my own back. Having said that I have to cut down on my visiting now, albeit gently, for the sake of my own sanity.
I just wish it wasn't so HARD! I wish she didn't try to trip me up at every hurdle.
I wish lots of things - we all do ....
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