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Am I becoming hard-hearted, or just looking after myself?!

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,535
0
South Gloucs
When you wrote 'sad, lonely little mother' you could of course be describing mine ...


The difference between my 'cared-for' and others TP members' is that she doesn't have dementia, and the thing that makes me sad and angry too is that dad sits fading away day by day (he does seem content and well-cared for, don't get me wrong) because he is 'no trouble' and everything has become about her....
 

Jaycee23

Registered User
Jan 6, 2011
383
0
uk
Hi
Sounds like your mum has got the controlling bit down to a tee. Whether she can help it or not it is still affecting your life and hurting you! If you read your post again you know it will tell you quite plainly that you are doing everything you can and because some of us are honed into believing that we do not deserve a life we start making all kinds of excuses to the controller as to why we should have the audacity to make decisions about what we want, us, me, my. Your mum has learnt the art of emotional blackmail and probably had a life of feeling justified in her behaviour and when others start to fight back war breaks out. Take back your life now and then you can be generous in your time without the resentment and pain. I know its not easy and its easy for me to sit and type away solutions :confused: and many of us have gone down this path. My MIL is the queen of control and when she came across me and was told a few home truths she was very hurt but I feel that because she was allowed to be this person all her life she was deprived of friendships because of her behaviour. She seems to accept that now at the age of 93!! But she said she is too old to change :D We can and if you look into the future what do you really see. I hope you see a life as you deserve one without the guilt and pain of trying to please someone who will never be content unless they have control.
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,535
0
South Gloucs
It's funny you should say that, but only yesterday mum was talking about therapy/counselling and she said 'I don't want to have to sit in and wait for them, I want to go to them. And it'll have to be somewhere I can get to. And it'll have to be on the days I don't see you. And it'll have to be at a convenient time' !!!!

Control, control, control.

I said 'mum, you can't have everything. You always want everything to be when, where and with whom you want. Life isn't like that'

I have also said to her that she could be depriving herself of opportunities because of the restrictions she places on herself and everyone else! You must be reading my mind. ...

When she doesn't like what I'm saying she kind of stares off into the distance and won't look at me ... that's what she did right then. It's the adult equivalent of a child sulk. I didn't say anything else. I am learning - slowly!