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Am I allowed to visit?

Abifromhampshire

New member
May 5, 2021
7
0
Hi everyone
I'm new to this site so I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong area or asking a stupid question. I've been told today that my Dad's memory loss is progressing quickly and his carers are concerned that if I don't visit him soon he will forget who I am. I am desperate to see him, but I live a long way from him and would need to stay overnight in a hotel, does anyone know if this is allowed in the current restrictions please? Any advice would be great. Thank you for reading.
Abi
 

nitram

Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
22,700
0
North Manchester
Assume England.
Unless things change you will be able to stay in a hotel starting 17th May, currently you cannot stay anywhere where food is provided, you will have to eat outside elsewhere.
If you want to cook for yourself try airbnb.

From 17th May you will also be able to meet him indoors.
 

Abifromhampshire

New member
May 5, 2021
7
0
Assume England.
Unless things change you will be able to stay in a hotel starting 17th May, currently you cannot stay anywhere where food is provided, you will have to eat outside elsewhere.
If you want to cook for yourself try airbnb.

From 17th May you will also be able to meet him indoors.
I thought that might be the case, thank you very much for replying to me.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,366
0
Yorkshire
Hello @Abifromhampshire
A warm welcome to DTP

You are allowed now to stay in self contained accommodation eg a cottage or caravan... if there's a static caravan site anywhere near, they can be pretty cheap at the moment

I hope you get to see your dad soon
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,522
0
High Peak
I think it's really unfortunate that the carers have said this to you. Dementia is progressive. Not everyone with dementia forgets or stops recognising loved ones. For those who do, it will happen anyway, whether you visit or not. I visited my mother often (pre-covid) but gradually she became unclear about our relationship although she recognised me as a familiar face until a few weeks before she died. But she never knew when she'd last seen me and could forget my visit in minutes. One time when I was visiting I nipped out to have a word with the manager and returned to her room about 10 minutes later. She greeted me as though I hadn't been there earlier.

So it's really not as simple as, 'if he doesn't see you he may forget who you are'. If you can visit that's great but don't beat yourself up about it. If your father's dementia is progressing there is nothing you can do to change that. Having a parent with dementia is hard enough - you don't need the carers piling on the guilt. If he doesn't know you it's down to dementia not because you didn't visit.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,306
0
Newcastle
I would back up what @Jaded'n'faded says. There is no real evidence that visiting or not visiting affects whether one is remembered or not. My wife sometimes seems to know me, sometimes calls me 'dad' and at other times fluctuates between these and other states in a matter of minutes. She recognised the activity coordinator at her home, saying that she had not seen her in ages, whereas it had been less than 10 minutes.

This is one reason why I have not worried about lengthy enforced absences due to lockdown. Time means little to my wife. There are plenty of good reasons to visit but the risk of being forgotten or misremembered is not high on my list.

It will not be long until staying overnight within the rules becomes much easier. I understand your wish to see him. Planning to do so as soon as practicable sounds reasonable. Try not to worry in the meantime.
 
Last edited:

Abifromhampshire

New member
May 5, 2021
7
0
I think it's really unfortunate that the carers have said this to you. Dementia is progressive. Not everyone with dementia forgets or stops recognising loved ones. For those who do, it will happen anyway, whether you visit or not. I visited my mother often (pre-covid) but gradually she became unclear about our relationship although she recognised me as a familiar face until a few weeks before she died. But she never knew when she'd last seen me and could forget my visit in minutes. One time when I was visiting I nipped out to have a word with the manager and returned to her room about 10 minutes later. She greeted me as though I hadn't been there earlier.

So it's really not as simple as, 'if he doesn't see you he may forget who you are'. If you can visit that's great but don't beat yourself up about it. If your father's dementia is progressing there is nothing you can do to change that. Having a parent with dementia is hard enough - you don't need the carers piling on the guilt. If he doesn't know you it's down to dementia not because you didn't visit.
Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words.
 

Abifromhampshire

New member
May 5, 2021
7
0
I would back up what @Jaded'n'faded says. There is no real evidence that visiting or not visiting affects whether one is remembered or not. My wife sometimes seems to know me, sometimes calls me 'dad' and at other times fluctuates between these and other states in a matter of minutes. She recognised the activity coordinator at her home, saying that she had not seen her in ages, whereas it had been less than 10 minutes.

This is one reason why I have not worried about lengthy enforced absences due to lockdown. Time means little to my wife. There are plenty of good reasons to visit but the risk of being forgotten or misremembered is not high on my list.

It will not be long until staying overnight within the rules becomes much easier. I understand your wish to see him. Planning to do so as soon as practicable sounds reasonable. Try not to worry in the meantime.
Thank you so much for the sound advice, I will make arrangements to see my Dad when the rules relax and I'll do my best to focus on that.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
761
0
Hi everyone
I'm new to this site so I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong area or asking a stupid question. I've been told today that my Dad's memory loss is progressing quickly and his carers are concerned that if I don't visit him soon he will forget who I am. I am desperate to see him, but I live a long way from him and would need to stay overnight in a hotel, does anyone know if this is allowed in the current restrictions please? Any advice would be great. Thank you for reading.
Abi
Could you stay at your dad's house? That's perfectly lawful if your dad is aged 70+ and the purpose of your visit is care of and assistance to him.
 

Abifromhampshire

New member
May 5, 2021
7
0
Could you stay at your dad's house? That's perfectly lawful if your dad is aged 70+ and the purpose of your visit is care of and assistance to him.
I'd love to do that but unfortunately his partner won't let me. The house belongs to both of them but she is furious that my Dad appointed me to be his power of attorney and not her, it's a long story, but thank you very much for your suggestion.
 

garfield3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
217
0
It’s so very difficult when you’re not near enough to visit. Especially, now with Covid in the mix. In the last 1-2years before mum died she didn’t know who I was. I live abroad and could only get home twice a year. I’d have loved here to recognise me, but it was what it was. For me it was just being able to see her.

I’m sure you’ll get to see your dad soon once restrictions are lifted more. Stay safe and strong.
 

Abifromhampshire

New member
May 5, 2021
7
0
It’s so very difficult when you’re not near enough to visit. Especially, now with Covid in the mix. In the last 1-2years before mum died she didn’t know who I was. I live abroad and could only get home twice a year. I’d have loved here to recognise me, but it was what it was. For me it was just being able to see her.

I’m sure you’ll get to see your dad soon once restrictions are lifted more. Stay safe and strong.
Thank you for your kind reply. That must have been so tough for you. I am planning to see my Dad as soon as restrictions lift on Monday. Thank you again, Abi.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
761
0
Thank you for your kind reply. That must have been so tough for you. I am planning to see my Dad as soon as restrictions lift on Monday. Thank you again, Abi.
No need to wait if he is over 70 and you visit to give him care and assistance. That's lawful right now and always has been.
 

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