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Am I A Bad Person?

monkeygirl15

Registered User
Oct 1, 2017
63
Am I the only one that dreads visiting their PWD in the Care Home? When I get there my mum is so pleased to see me - but I know she doesn't remember my visits after I've gone. After about 30 minutes we have run out of conversation and she makes it clear that my time is up. Sometimes I take things in to try and stimulate conversation (like old photos) but she's often so dismissive. I look around and I see the partner of someone who visits them every day for hours at a time. I work six days a week and visit just once a week for only about an hour. Last week I couldn't face going and this week I've not gone either. I just can't face it. What kind of awful daughter am I? I just want it all to go away. When my mum was at home I was there loads. I visited most days after work. But then I could do jobs around the house for her and there seemed more to talk about. Now, it's like her world has shrunk. I talk myself out of going by saying, "She doesn't remember if I visit so why do I torture myself?" But then I 'mracked by guilt if I don't go (like now). To even voice these things makes me feel like such a terrible person. I feel like I'm caught in an awful nightmare that will go on forever.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,046
Yorkshire
easy one to answer @monkeygirl15 = NO

oops pressed send in error - so editing to continue

we are daughters who so want to do what we can for our parent, facing the fact that there's little we can actually do
I tend to visit dad now with no expectation of conversation, but we have always been able to sit quietly in each others company, and I never really felt I had to entertain him - I guess I am fortunate in that he has generally been so 'easily pleased'
visit when you can, and take time away when you need it - if your mum has no retention of your visit then she'll just be pleased when you go and content anyway
be gentle with yourself
 
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Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
287
It's so draining, I am sure this will be me when mum goes into a home. I've just taken her to the garden centre for two hours and feel drained, exhausted and down. Don't feel bad, maybe just go for half an hour every other week? I sense when mum has had enough of me. People visit for very different reasons remember, it's not a measure of your morality or goodness. You have taken care of her at home and now made sure she is cared for properly in a home, so give yourself a pat on the back, and go out and live your life now as your mum would have wanted you to.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
Kent
Am I the only one that dreads visiting their PWD in the Care Home? When I get there my mum is so pleased to see me - but I know she doesn't remember my visits after I've gone. After about 30 minutes we have run out of conversation and she makes it clear that my time is up. Sometimes I take things in to try and stimulate conversation (like old photos) but she's often so dismissive. I look around and I see the partner of someone who visits them every day for hours at a time. I work six days a week and visit just once a week for only about an hour. Last week I couldn't face going and this week I've not gone either. I just can't face it. What kind of awful daughter am I? I just want it all to go away. When my mum was at home I was there loads. I visited most days after work. But then I could do jobs around the house for her and there seemed more to talk about. Now, it's like her world has shrunk. I talk myself out of going by saying, "She doesn't remember if I visit so why do I torture myself?" But then I 'mracked by guilt if I don't go (like now). To even voice these things makes me feel like such a terrible person. I feel like I'm caught in an awful nightmare that will go on forever.
I visit Mum once a week, I can’t eat before I go, get off the bus two stops early to walk and compose myself. If she’s asleep, l sneak away. If I’m lucky she’s playing bingo, and she has a conversation between numbers, tells me all the happenings at the home (or what she imagines has happened). I make appropriate replies, how interesting, really, well I never. The happenings vary, last week she’d been up the hill cleaning a house, the week before she’d been shot! I get introduced to all, frequently as “Eileen my sister “
As they head for lunch I head for the bus, walking two stops to compose myself, sometimes skipping, more often crying.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,849
Am I the only one that dreads visiting their PWD in the Care Home? When I get there my mum is so pleased to see me - but I know she doesn't remember my visits after I've gone. After about 30 minutes we have run out of conversation and she makes it clear that my time is up. Sometimes I take things in to try and stimulate conversation (like old photos) but she's often so dismissive. I look around and I see the partner of someone who visits them every day for hours at a time. I work six days a week and visit just once a week for only about an hour. Last week I couldn't face going and this week I've not gone either. I just can't face it. What kind of awful daughter am I? I just want it all to go away. When my mum was at home I was there loads. I visited most days after work. But then I could do jobs around the house for her and there seemed more to talk about. Now, it's like her world has shrunk. I talk myself out of going by saying, "She doesn't remember if I visit so why do I torture myself?" But then I 'mracked by guilt if I don't go (like now). To even voice these things makes me feel like such a terrible person. I feel like I'm caught in an awful nightmare that will go on forever.
I still look after dad in his own home. Twice a day every day. Same conversations every day. Shopping is a nightmare and takes forever and during all of this I have to remain calm and pleasant. It is hard because it is so very boring. I can't help it but I am bored out of my life but I have no choice because dad needs me and he is ill as well so I will carry on. Poor dad is so nice and kind but I am still bored.

Don't feel guilty sometimes I have to cut my visit a bit short or I might go crazy. This is a very difficult job and I sometimes think I am in some kind of hellish dream and I just want out but there is no escape.

Your mum is safe and well looked after so please don't feel guilty. You have your own life to lead, I hope to get mine back soon although I know what that means but until then I will just do my best.

Our best is all that we can do but sometimes it is too much and we need a break.
 

monkeygirl15

Registered User
Oct 1, 2017
63
Thank you all for your kind and heartfelt replies. I have cried this afternoon at your kind responses. I'm sorry though to hear of all your struggles. DeMartin I especially identify with you and wish I could do something to reach out and lift some of the anguish from you.
 

father ted

Registered User
Aug 16, 2010
711
London
This post is a bit late (watching the football- Yipee!).
No you are not an awful daughter. Not at all.
I visit my Mum two or three times a week and like your Mum, mine is always pleased to see me too. I struggle to think of things to tell Mum so I babble on about nothing really but always aware not to mention too many nice things so Mum doesn't feel she is missing out.
I repeat myself a lot because I run out of conversation but as Mum doesn't remember it doesn't matter.
It is so hard because I sometimes feel like my Mum is slipping away, she is still in reasonable health and can make conversation but it's just not the same. And I am sure some wise person on here says its a natural process as you are preparing yourself for the inevitable.
Give yourself a break.
 

YorkshireLass

Registered User
Feb 15, 2017
219
Ilkley
@monkeygirl15 it's a difficult one to call. I am a great believer that we aren't all the same and we must do what we believe is the right thing to do for our loved one and just as importantly for ourselves. If not going brings so much upset then maybe a short visit is the answer. If your mum is pleased to see you when you arrive that is such a positive and you have given her a good emotional feeling albeit for a short time even though not remembered for long. I visit my mum in her care home every day. Sometimes a short visit if she is asleep.Even when she is awake she is unable to see me and frequently asks if my mum is alright. On other days I manage to hold her attention by babbling on about family and things we did long ago. I never say I am leaving and usually time my visits so that they end at a mealtime in order to ease the feelings when I leave without saying goodbye. You just have to do what you can cope with and be re- assured by the fact they are being well looked after. All sounds just fine and then I cry on the way home! I never believed a disease could be as terrible as this or continue for such a long time. Take care we are all following similar journeys xxx
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,201
I can really identify with what you've said. My mother is in a care home and I usually only visit once a fortnight (but I've seen her a lot more often lately because she fell and broke her hip and spent time in hospital). There is no longer any such thing as a conversation with her, she responds with 'oh yes' or 'lovely', and the occasional sentence. I take magazines for her to look through but I run out of things to say pretty quickly.

I now try to go when there is an activity so she is absorbed in that, and I can make comments related to what is happening. There is always music for health on a Thursday afternoon, so we can experience that together (but I realise others have work/family commitments so have limited choice about when they visit). I also use the visit to generally check with staff how she's getting on, and refresh her toiletries and check her clothes have all returned successfully from laundry. I don't think she gets much pleasure from my visits so at least I feel I am doing something useful.