Dear
@Wildflowerlady
Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately yesterday hit me like a sledge hammer. I thought I had been making some progress getting over mum dying but no that is not the case. What would have been her 90th birthday reduced me to tears and brought anger to the surface again.
Mum had a few days palliative care at the local hospital before dying of heart failure. it was the time when Covid deaths were at their height and hospital staff were run off their feet. I am not blaming anyone but the start of the promised palliative care was delayed, then it was intermittent until a driver was used. Mum had periods of anxiety and discomfort. I had to chase to get what had been promised. Mum deserved better. My siblings did not join me at the hospital, wishing to remember mum as they last saw her on Skype. I lied mum had a peaceful death which it was ultimately. I cannot ever tell them the truth of what happened, what would be the point of now hurting them. That does not take away the emotional hurt of confronting those last few days alone with mum in a side room at the hospital. Watching a precious loved one have an uncomfortable period of time in an institution that should have been able to prevent that from the off. Again I am not blaming staff run into the ground, on a ward having 4 staff when the normal quota would have been ten.
Exhausted I came home to sleep to be woken an hours later and told mum had died alone. I went back to the hospital and the staff gave me time to say goodbye before moving her body. I sat in the car in the hospital car park crying my eyes out and never felt so alone in all of my life. God knows how I drove the 20 odd miles home in torrential rain. A month to get an excuse of a Covid funeral arranged, all the time alone in the house which was now so quiet. I promised mum years ago if she ever was taken into hospital at the end I would be with her and not let her die alone. I tried my best but was exhausted by the caring role before she went into hospital. Totally irrational but I keep apologising to mum for letting her down at the end. I did all that I could but part of me feels that I failed her.
I am reduced to tears replying now. Just need a safe place to vent. I guess I am overrun by feelings of guilt. We were shielding for 11 months, in the last 3 I needed outside help but fear of Covid meant I like many other Carers just muddled on exhausted. What I want to know is when will the bulk of society acknowledge what Carers have to go through to try and protect loved ones with Dementia. It just feels like Dementia is something Society will not speak about.
Sorry for the rant but somehow I have to get this anger and resentment out of the system. In many ways I feel isolated from society even as lockdowns end. I have two siblings I have some contact with, but now must always be mindful what I say about mum’s last months and final days at the hospital. The lie must remain intact but that means I have no one to talk things over with. I am sorry your relationship with your sister has ended but from what you say perhaps better it has. Please take care and sorry again for the rant.