Alzheimer's has been stealing Mama for 18 years now.
18 years ago this year, my mother looked into my eyes and asked me what my name was. I knew she had been diagnosed with alzheimer's but did not expect her to forget me. I have watched Mama go through this horrid disease for so long. I have watched her forget names, forget people,forget herself. I have watched her stare at a spot on the wall for hours and sing. Mama always sang when she was well. Morning noon and night she sang as she went about her daily life, now there are no words, just words of song or humming the melody. At times I feel we are lucky that she still sings, still hums the melody and actually sings harmony. When we sing "You Are My Sunshine" I feel like a child again. Mama can't walk anymore, she can't eat or drink well and she gets scared so easily. She was always the rock, where did that strength go? I am so sad watching her suffer like this. I wonder how many more years I can watch this decline, how many more years can my heart cry for her! I keep thinking we will be the lucky ones and she will be cured, but deep inside I realize I have been watching her dying for 18 years. She lives at home and I would never consider a facility away from home for care... So, I am asking if there is anyone that can share their strength and knowledge. I feel like I have lost control now that Mama is on Hospice. I feel like we are giving up allowing Hospice to help. I can't find any caretakers that I have been totally happy with and I ultimately end up letting them go. My sister says I will not accept anyone and I must be more reasonable. I don't feel the caretakers talk to my Mama with dignity and I dislike the way they handle her. Basically, I don't trust anyone to love her and care for her with the total tenderness she deserves. Am I wrong? I have been pretty much her sole caretaker in the past months because of my dislike of the workers we have hired and let go. How can I gain some trust or how can I strengthen my own ability to see this through to the very end. I am so tired sometimes but so scared to leave her side for fear I won't be there when she passes. Please, any help would be appreciated. Maybe someone out there knows the answer to some of my questions, maybe someone is living this with their Mom.
18 years ago this year, my mother looked into my eyes and asked me what my name was. I knew she had been diagnosed with alzheimer's but did not expect her to forget me. I have watched Mama go through this horrid disease for so long. I have watched her forget names, forget people,forget herself. I have watched her stare at a spot on the wall for hours and sing. Mama always sang when she was well. Morning noon and night she sang as she went about her daily life, now there are no words, just words of song or humming the melody. At times I feel we are lucky that she still sings, still hums the melody and actually sings harmony. When we sing "You Are My Sunshine" I feel like a child again. Mama can't walk anymore, she can't eat or drink well and she gets scared so easily. She was always the rock, where did that strength go? I am so sad watching her suffer like this. I wonder how many more years I can watch this decline, how many more years can my heart cry for her! I keep thinking we will be the lucky ones and she will be cured, but deep inside I realize I have been watching her dying for 18 years. She lives at home and I would never consider a facility away from home for care... So, I am asking if there is anyone that can share their strength and knowledge. I feel like I have lost control now that Mama is on Hospice. I feel like we are giving up allowing Hospice to help. I can't find any caretakers that I have been totally happy with and I ultimately end up letting them go. My sister says I will not accept anyone and I must be more reasonable. I don't feel the caretakers talk to my Mama with dignity and I dislike the way they handle her. Basically, I don't trust anyone to love her and care for her with the total tenderness she deserves. Am I wrong? I have been pretty much her sole caretaker in the past months because of my dislike of the workers we have hired and let go. How can I gain some trust or how can I strengthen my own ability to see this through to the very end. I am so tired sometimes but so scared to leave her side for fear I won't be there when she passes. Please, any help would be appreciated. Maybe someone out there knows the answer to some of my questions, maybe someone is living this with their Mom.