My Mam got her Alzheimer's diagnosis 6 years ago and had it for at least 3 years prior to that. I could not get a diagnosis for her as she was only 55 when the real symptoms started showing. Her father had dementia from his late 60s and it progressed for nearly 20 years. I remember my Mam telling me while on holidays in Spain a few years before she showed symptoms that if she was to ever get it like her Dad, I was to walk her into the sea and let her drown. We had a conversation about how much easier life would be for the rest of the family if she just died instead of having a progressive disease. I laughed at her at the time and told her not be silly that I would never do that. Now I have watched her decline so much over the last 9 years that I feel guilty about everything lately. She cannot communicate any more at the age of 63 and it is so hard to sit with her and say nothing but just hold her hand. I cannot face going to visit her lately due to this and I even now break down and cry in front of her. I feel guilty for not following her wishes, I feel guilty for putting her in a nursing home, I feel guilty for getting on with my life, I feel guilty for wishing she would pass away in the night. I absolutely adore my Mother, we were best friends and I miss her so much. I am an only child and my Father passed away 3 yeas ago when he was 63 so I am all that she has. I hear stories about how other people visit their relatives every day and I wonder why I am not like that. I am going to see her tomorrow and have been crying most of the evening thinking about it. I am the only one that feels this way?