Alzheimers = Divorce?

[Aubie]

My 88-year-old husband was diagnosed with mild/moderate Alzheimers two weeks ago, after four years of deteriorating memory and cognitive abilities. In addition to not believing he has Alzheimers and refusing to take Donepezil, he has decided he no longer wants a wife and has asked for a divorce. Apparently he has talked to a lawyer and his daughter (his executor/POA, but living in the USA) is working on getting him in-home care if he needs it (he definitely will as his physical abilities are starting to decline also). He is happy for the change since I am the one he blames for "getting things wrong" or not letting him do what he wants.
He says I can stay in the house for 3 months while I look for a flat and either get more hours at work or get a new job, but he has cancelled my credit card. I have my own bank account so am not skinnt, and can easily take care of myself short term.
He feels that I should continue "working" for him, cleaning, keeping him company, to pay "rent" but I have no interest in being his maid/carer. I wouldn't mind taking care of my husband, but not someone who wants me out of his life.
I know he isn't thinking clearly. I know he might forget tomorrow or change his mind once the reality sets in, but this kind of emotional turmoil will do my head in. I am gobsmacked and feel betrayed by people I trusted. I don't know if I can emotionally handle staying even if he changed his mind. But I won't be making any decisions until the emotions die down over the next few days.
Thank you for listening. This forum has provided me with so much information over the past few months and I feel as if I know some of you even though we've never interacted. <<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Aubie this must be so upsetting for you even if it is probably just the dementia talking. And you are right to wait a few days until things have settled down a little.

You say that he has spoken to a lawyer, if you are still not happy after you have thought things over, it might be an idea for you to also consult with a lawyer to see what your legal position is if he does try to force you out of the house.

Keep posting here, whether it is just to rant or to ask for specific information.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Aubie, I think it might be a good idea to contact the Support Line and chat through your options with them.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

As you are married I imagine you would be entitled to half the house in any divorce settlement. (But check with a solicitor!)

He has no right to ask you to pay rent even if the house is in his name - you are his wife. Get yourself a good lawyer!

Yes, he has dementia and is lacking in cognition. But you must protect your own interests here.

 

[canary]

Hello @Aubie

I would hold fire for a couple of days and then discretely find out how the land lays

At this stage I wouldnt takes everything that your husband tells you as the absolute truth. I learned by hard experience that not everything that OH told me was true and I wonder whether your husband really has consulted a lawyer.

Mid-stage dementia is the time when delusions, fixations and confabulations start to become very apparent and it may be that this is no more than that and in a few days it will all be forgotten. Dont say anything to him about it - you dont want to remind him about it - and contact his daughter to find out what he has said and what (if anything) she is planning. Do you think he would be able to find a lawyer on his own?

I think it would be a good idea to separate your finances anyway, whatever happens. You dont want to end up subsidising any care that he will need in the future.

 

[Aubie]

Thank you to everyone for the advice and support. I truly does help my state of mind to know someone understands and cares. 🙂

Sarasa, I called Alzheimers Support this morning and they are working on getting answers to my questions. Thank you for that information.

Our finances are mainly separate and he has a lifetime mortgage in his name only, Canary, so I have no claims to the house once he is gone. When we married, we signed a pre-nup agreement that doesn't leave anything to me. It was important to me to show that I was not after what little money he has. I don't need it.

He talked to the solicitor that we have used in the past, but conflict of interest prevents him from representing my husband against me, so my husband is looking for another solicitor. I will contact his daughter when I have answers to some of my questions and am ready to make a decision.

I initially was holding out for him to calm down, but he is worse this morning and I am more determined not to let him take advantage, even if it means I have to leave. I promised to stay with him till the end, but not at the expense of my mental health. 😟

 

[canary]

I promised to stay with him till the end, but not at the expense of my mental health

I think this is sensible.

There are several of us who have lost the love we once had for our husbands/partners because of their behaviour. I am one of them, so I understand. I am still caring for him, though because of the love we once had, duty, and the understanding that this is dementia, not his true feelings. I would not blame you if you left, though.

At the beginning, when he was still quite capable he too was blaming me for everything (its almost par for the course with dementia), saying I was making up lies to the doctors, telling me I was taking him over, preventing him from doing things and treating him like a child. I got fed up and, as I was still working at that point, I stayed out all day, ate at the staff canteen, didnt do washing, shopping or anything and only came home to sleep, in order to show him what it would be like if I left. After 10 days he grudgingly admitted that he needed me.

 

[jay6]

I think this is sensible.

There are several of us who have lost the love we once had for our husbands/partners because of their behaviour. I am one of them, so I understand. I am still caring for him, though because of the love we once had, duty, and the understanding that this is dementia, not his true feelings. I would not blame you if you left, though.

At the beginning, when he was still quite capable he too was blaming me for everything (its almost par for the course with dementia), saying I was making up lies to the doctors, telling me I was taking him over, preventing him from doing things and treating him like a child. I got fed up and, as I was still working at that point, I stayed out all day, ate at the staff canteen, didnt do washing, shopping or anything and only came home to sleep, in order to show him what it would be like if I left. After 10 days he grudgingly admitted that he needed me.

I can totally relate, its hard to leave when you know it's dementia but we have to be sensible with our own well being.
Sine is still capable of washing, dressing etc. but what you say about making up lies, treating him like a child etc. is really hard to take along with the nastiness and abuse.
Mines in hospital and can see how different things are there. He doesn't like it one bit and is doing everything he is told by the nurses etc. just to get home. He's even pleasant to me but I'm well aware it will change as soon as he's back and I'm not looking forward to that one bit.