hi to all,
firstly want to say thank you to those people who take the time to read these messages, and those who take even more time to respond. I often read posts, but rarely respond as i mostly don't know what to advise.
The dilemma of the day (because there is always one...) is how to convince my sister that our Dad needs respite, even if it means Mum might be a little more agitated than usual. The story is, that dad cares for mum at home, and has done now for about a year, at first he was at work during the days, but he still had to come home from work and take on the job of carer until the next morning. He is no longer working as the evening, nights and weekends of caring were taking there toll and he was struggling to keep up with his "paid" job as well. Mum has a carer that comes in still during the days, but even so, Dad is struggling.
I think this it is understandable that he needs a break, and he does have the odd day away but i think the problem with a day away, is that you never really relax because you know that at the end of the day you have to go back to home where everything will be just the same as it was before. So, to the point, dad would like to go away for a long weekend sailing with his friends, but, the idea upsets my sister massively.
For those of you who have seen any of my past posts, you will know that my sister and dad do not and have not got on for as long as i can remember, so in situations like this, it is hard for her to have sympathy for or empathise with dad.
Her point is, that Mum is only reassured by Dad, not even me or her 'will do' and when mum isn't with dad (and by with, i mean sat or stood right next to)she can become very agitated, sweating and looking terribly frightened, calling out his name or asking where's my husband. I appreciate that my sister doesn't want to see mum like this, none of us do, dad included, but at the same time, i don't see how we can reduce dads life-role to permanent human comforter, it's just not right!
As a second to this issue, is that i really feel like i should offer to look after mum for the weekend so dad can go sailing, but in all honesty, i'm just not sure if i can. It's not a case of time, or effort, i'm not sure what it is, i think i'm just not a strong enough person to adopt such a role. Part of me thinks it's because i have a preserved image of my mum as exactly that, my mum, and to be responsible for her personal care needs is just going to take that away from me. I feel like this disease has taken enough already, i've lost far too much and feel like this would be the last thing. Does that make sense to anyone!? I have so much respect for people who care for their parents like that, and i know it's not because i can't cope with personal care (i work as a carer for children with complex learning difficulties at the weekends) it's just that she's my mum and that makes it so different.
i realise i have strayed from my original point quite substantially so to recap - does anyone have any experience or just general advise about how to convince someone that a carer needs a break, even if it means upsetting the person with AD a little?
many many regards
Suzanna
PS: explaining to her that if he doesn't have a break he won't be able to carry on caring anymore won't work because she doesn't care if he can't go on... she thinks that if he leaves she will be able to live at their home and take over, but if he leaves then he will need to sell the house to buy somewhere new for him. .... (a certain amount of hair is on the brink of being pulled out here!)
firstly want to say thank you to those people who take the time to read these messages, and those who take even more time to respond. I often read posts, but rarely respond as i mostly don't know what to advise.
The dilemma of the day (because there is always one...) is how to convince my sister that our Dad needs respite, even if it means Mum might be a little more agitated than usual. The story is, that dad cares for mum at home, and has done now for about a year, at first he was at work during the days, but he still had to come home from work and take on the job of carer until the next morning. He is no longer working as the evening, nights and weekends of caring were taking there toll and he was struggling to keep up with his "paid" job as well. Mum has a carer that comes in still during the days, but even so, Dad is struggling.
I think this it is understandable that he needs a break, and he does have the odd day away but i think the problem with a day away, is that you never really relax because you know that at the end of the day you have to go back to home where everything will be just the same as it was before. So, to the point, dad would like to go away for a long weekend sailing with his friends, but, the idea upsets my sister massively.
For those of you who have seen any of my past posts, you will know that my sister and dad do not and have not got on for as long as i can remember, so in situations like this, it is hard for her to have sympathy for or empathise with dad.
Her point is, that Mum is only reassured by Dad, not even me or her 'will do' and when mum isn't with dad (and by with, i mean sat or stood right next to)she can become very agitated, sweating and looking terribly frightened, calling out his name or asking where's my husband. I appreciate that my sister doesn't want to see mum like this, none of us do, dad included, but at the same time, i don't see how we can reduce dads life-role to permanent human comforter, it's just not right!
As a second to this issue, is that i really feel like i should offer to look after mum for the weekend so dad can go sailing, but in all honesty, i'm just not sure if i can. It's not a case of time, or effort, i'm not sure what it is, i think i'm just not a strong enough person to adopt such a role. Part of me thinks it's because i have a preserved image of my mum as exactly that, my mum, and to be responsible for her personal care needs is just going to take that away from me. I feel like this disease has taken enough already, i've lost far too much and feel like this would be the last thing. Does that make sense to anyone!? I have so much respect for people who care for their parents like that, and i know it's not because i can't cope with personal care (i work as a carer for children with complex learning difficulties at the weekends) it's just that she's my mum and that makes it so different.
i realise i have strayed from my original point quite substantially so to recap - does anyone have any experience or just general advise about how to convince someone that a carer needs a break, even if it means upsetting the person with AD a little?
many many regards
Suzanna
PS: explaining to her that if he doesn't have a break he won't be able to carry on caring anymore won't work because she doesn't care if he can't go on... she thinks that if he leaves she will be able to live at their home and take over, but if he leaves then he will need to sell the house to buy somewhere new for him. .... (a certain amount of hair is on the brink of being pulled out here!)
