1. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    I had one of those bad days on Tuesday but bounced back.
    Today I feel like I'm in hell and as yet can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Mum was up and dressed at 8.15(always a bad sign!!). From that time there have been constant digs at me with real hate and venom . I have talked with her, cajoled her, taken her to the most beautiful places but everything was wrong....She's exhausted but won't rest....She's constantly pacing around wanting to go to church and/or go home....told her she's in no fit state to go anywhere because she's very unsteady on her feet....insists she can walk the 50 miles to Loughborough because she's an army girl(she served in the ATS 1942-1945)
    She hit me with her walking stick and then slapped me round the face twice when I tried to get it off her....then she went wobbly and I don't know if it was for real because when I guided her to a chair she hit me again.
    She was never like this when I looked after her in her own home and she was never like this with my brother.What am I doing wrong?What have I done?I've taken her from her home and as far as I'm concerned I seem to have just accelerated her decline....
    Sorry I don't mean to sound full of self pity....just needed to let off a bit of steam..I suppose drugs will probably be the answer but she's never had them before as far as I know and what if they make the situation worse?On the other hand these episodes can't be doing any her any good.
    As i'm writing this she continues to pace,refusing to sit down,Ifeel pretty inadequate and helpless:(
    Even Michael's thread can't raise a smile at the moment:(
  2. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    Hi Wendy,
    You sound desparate and in a horrible situation. I always say, you can't let them be abusive. It is where I draw the line. I am unfamiliar with what services are available in UK but I'm sure there is help there and others can perhaps guide you. You could call your Alzhimers association in your area and perhaps they can help as well. There is alot of medication out there that can help too. Aricept, Namenda to slow the disease down and anti anxiety meds for their behavior. Your GP would be the one to help you with that.
    Try not to personalize your Mom's behavior. Maybe the move has made her worse but you are doing your best and noone can ask more than that. When my Dad dies, my Mom will have to come live with me too and I know that will set her back. But there will be no other choice unless she is at a stage that she needs to go into a nursing home.
    Do take care of yourself and let us know how your getting along.
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    I do feel for you ,my mum was like that when I first moved her from her home , but when she started to get her medication it cram down It was scary .but still did it a littlie, Then I learn to see when it was coming & use to tell her of , it does knock your confidence a bit at first but it did stop I use to feel it was something I done ,it's not

    You not doing anything wrong your just doing your best ,

    Hear a (( hug)) hopeing for a better day tomorrow
  4. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Wendy

    What are you doing wrong? Is caring wrong? Is doing your best in an impossible situation wrong? Is loving your Mum wrong? I know what my answer is and you know what your answer is.

    I cannot offer any words to help you, I have yet to be in the place you find yourself, so what else is there left to say - my thoughts are with you.


  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    I remember when she use to hit me & I tell her of I ask her why she done it? she look at me & then smile & say sorry & hug me, I suppose its like they say on hear, its not mum it’s the AZ
  6. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Thank you so much Rummy,Margarita and Dick.....Having a bit of a respite....mum's gone to her room .........to die as she puts it and as she points out it'll be my fault if she does!
    Hope my husband brings me some choccy on his way back from work:(
  7. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    :D Phone him now! Say, "no chocolate, don't bother coming home"
  8. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    #8 Áine, May 10, 2006
    Last edited: May 10, 2006
    I felt a bit like this when dad went into respite care. I feared I'd made him worse through the upheaval and change and disorientating him. I think there's some truth in this ..... his last attempts to care for himself and bluff his way through collapsed. Thing is ..... I think we're between a rock and a hard place a lot of the time. The option would be to leave him at home with home care popping every day, whilst he set fire to his microwave, couldn't get the heating on, went out half dressed, left his door wide open so the imaginary people who shared his house could get in :( I dread to think how I'd have felt if he'd burned the house down, got robbed, run over etc etc. It's no win.
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Wendy
    You are doing nothing wrong- this may have happened anyway. Your mum couldn't have stayed at home, you had no choice.
    My advice would be to talk to the doctor asap, your mum may be able to take it, but you cannot and should not. I am sure that there is some drug that could help calm mum down; OK it may calm her too far to begin with, but doseage can be adjusted. It doesn't matter whether mum has been on medication before or not, dementia has not affected her in this way before- it does not stand still. So don't feel guilty that she may now need medication (you sounded guilty in your posting at the prospect).
    You are being a fantastic daughter caring for your mum at home at this stage of her illness - don't beat yourself up.
    With love, Amy.
  10. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Thanks Áine and Amy
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Wendy, am in a similar situation with Lionel at present, and he has not had a change of circumstance. He has been put on an antipsycotic drug, first one was too strong, but fingers crossed this one seems to be working.

    Hard as it is there can come a time, as the illness progresses, where more medication is needed. It is a fine balance, but please don't ever feel guilty about it. You are only doing your best for the mum you love.
  12. jeannette

    jeannette Registered User

    Feb 27, 2006
    Don't beat yourself up

    Not much to add that others haven't said. But don't be hard on yourself. From what you've said, drugs might help to an extent. I had a friend in this situation, and though it's true to say her mother is now far more removed from her, the awful, damaging aggression has ceased, and she seems more serene in herself. What do I know? Very, very little. But I am sorry for what you're all going through.

    Good wishes.

  13. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    You haven't accelerated your mother's decline. What has happened is that with her being in a new place, her cognitive deficiencies are being glaringly exposed. She probably lived in her home a long time so knew where everything was (kind of). It's not a decline, it's simply showing how her short term memory no longer operates properly, she cannot process information correctly, etc. She realizes this on some level but with the AD cannot express or cope with her own failings. Hence the aggression.

    Drugs can help but be very cautious & slow. Is your mother on any Alzheimer's meds at all? Perhaps an anti-psychotic might help. Personally, I would recommend staying away from Haldol (brand name) as it is an older style drug with a lot of side effects. We've just settled my mother down after 2 months nastiness, swearing, being smelly, hitting people and generally being an alround evil witch. My mother has now more or less returned to us. We did have to fiddle around with her meds. So you see eventually things do settle, it's just such a long-seeming process at times.

    Try talking to her doctor about these outbursts. Take notes for a few days, the times, the outbursts, the triggers (if you can figure them out) & then go for an appointment to go over things with the Dr.

    And lie your face off. How's her short term memory? Can she be distracted? When she says she wants to go home, can you distract with "Okay, but I'd like to have a cup of tea first.......have a bath.........do the dusting.....balance my chequebook".

    Good luck & I suggest your husband bring chocolate by the bushel. With a nice glass of wine.....

  14. tinker

    tinker Registered User

    May 4, 2006
    Hi Wendy,

    How's today going?

    I've just read your comments from yesterday and am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I do know exactly how you feel, having been there with my Father.

    There are times, what am I saying? 'times' ?? it's 'always' that you feel wrong, indaquate or simply have no way to solve the problems...

    Please be assured you are not 'wrong' ...you are not speeding up the decline, you are just in the 'Alzheimers war' and belive me that is how I see it, nothing ever prepares you for this situation and there are no answers, perhaps some of my discoveries may help?

    I discovered that:
    1: No matter what you are always wrong
    2: No matter where your loved one is, they will ALWAYS want to be somewhere else.
    3: When you take them where they want to be, they don't want to be there!
    4: If they 'escape' from the house, they will try and head 'home' (this may not be anywhere you have heard of, it's something inside them, not necessarily a real home)
    5: Half way there, they won't know where or why they are going
    6: It WILL be your fault
    7: They will rage and strike out
    8: They are frustrated and you are their only outlet
    9: You cannot win either way
    10: It hurts when they hit you
    11: So much strength and power, where does it come from?
    13: within 10 minutes they have forgotten that they hit you or were cruel
    14: You are still hurt and upset, they don't know why?

    I could go on and on - I have a huge list... It helped me at the time....

    One thing to hold on to is the positive, and yes there are positives even where you are...

    Your Mum still dresses herself, she still communicates and I'm sure there are many other small things that are positive..

    It's so hard and so soul destroying to watch and be powerless... hold on, take the good moments...... when she's good she's 'Mum' when she's bad, she is not the person you love, anymore than you are the person she loves, you are the vent for her anger... Tears help, anger doesn't - easier said I know..

    I used to think of my Dad as a two year old child when he was angry, just like throwing a tantrum... it means nothing to them, they want their own way and at that moment you mean nothing... there is no recognition...it's as though they are different people, which they are...

    I do hope today is a little better for you and your family, especially your Mum...

    Take care
  15. domb

    domb Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    Hi mel,

    Strange how we always try and put a reason down for the unreasonable and what better way than to blame yourself. It's not your mum acting this way mel, it's the AD. Sometimes there is simply nothing you can do or say to make it better. I totally agree with rummy, physical abuse cannot and should not be tolerated, it does neither of you any good for you be hurt or injured. Remember you are a carer not a 'whipping post'

    My mum had these periods, mostly verbal abuse (how do they know what hurts you the most?). My routime was to imagine 'old ' mum standing next to me looking at this unreasonable stranger being horrid to her son. Silly I know, but it made me focus on 'its NOT my mum that's doing this'.

    As the song goes 'some days are like diamonds, some days are like dust'. I know as we go along the dust seems to prevail, but hang in there. Medication does work but it carries its own penalties. Care should never extend to allowing abuse, your 'old mum' would never have allowed it to be done to you, why should you? You have done NOTHING wrong.

    My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

    dom b
  16. domb

    domb Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    Almost forgot....

    Hi again Wendy ( or mel??)

    Almost forgot I thoroughly endorse the chocolate therapy! After all, Homer Simpson cant be wrong!:

    'Chocolate- like the Lone Ranger to the rescue, only tastier and with no annoying sidekick'

  17. jakky

    jakky Registered User

    Jan 30, 2006
    we`re with ya....

    Hi Wendy

    Hang in there, you can`t be wrong.... slightly different, maybe, but never wrong!!
    keep ya chin up,


    ps, save me a bit o that choccy stuff :) :)
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    I can just hear my mum say in Spanish , I want to die & me hitting the chocolate, sweets ,Alcohol, then got in to a habit of doing that ,that I put on 3 stones after a few year , :eek: then my sciatica came back ,& made me realize , that I did not mind being bigger , but had to stop ,because in the long run it was affecting my health ,if I could not look after my self how was I going to look after mum , its hard to find a balance , in how to channel all those emotion , with out affecting my heath in the long run ,

    It’s a moment of comfort, & life time on the hips (Joke) that cost you so much money because have to by a new wardrobe, will I did, not saying iall above ts going to happen to you , but be careful :)

    How your mum today ?
  19. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Wendy! congratulations on being able to put the Á on my A :D
  20. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    id like to know how wendy done it!!:D ive been trying to figure it out for ages:confused:

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