All this nonsense...

[Hedgy]

I am just having a bad moment today…

I am back home for my holidays, where I live with my gran who has AD (she normally lives alone). She’s never had the diagnosis because she’s always refused to go to a doctor... She always says afterwards that no-one reminded her of the appointment (although when we did, she just refused to go).

She has now developed a love for all sorts of living beings. We live in a flat on the second floor. We used to have a bird feeder outside our window – for little birds - but now gran has started feeding pigeons. She just opens the window, lets them peck the sunflower seeds on the window sill, while I dreadfully watch it. If I tell her that this is unacceptable, she just replies that I have no heart. And then continues to do it when I don’t see it. While I get all the looks from our neighbours, as the pigeons soil their windows and are generally unpleasant...

We have the same situation with our dog. The dog is 13 years old and suffers from incontinence. Excuse my language, but gran allows it to pee and **** everywhere, she just patiently cleans up after it. Needless to say, she doesn’t always see it and doesn’t clean it properly. Basically, our flat has become the dog’s toilet (and smells accordingly)... I feel really bad for saying this but I don’t feel like I can even tolerate staying here for a long time! She also feeds the dog half of her food, and doesn’t eat a thing herself... Now if I mention to gran (in the nicest possible way) that this cannot continue, she again starts with saying that I have no heart and that it’s HER dog and she does what she wants with it. She generally becomes really cross with me if I try to criticize her approach to the dog. When my grandpa was alive and was staying with gran, he wanted to get the dog euthanized but I didn’t allow him, as gran would have never forgiven him for that. Oh silly me.

She also wouldn’t eat certain foods because they used to be alive. E.g. she feels sorry for eggs. In general, a lot of food simply gets wasted because she has no appetite (it’s not that she doesn’t know how to eat, she still does). And then she tries to feed everything to me. EVERYTHING. Every half an hour. If I don’t eat, she starts to sulk – I don’t eat her food, am ungrateful etc.

I know all of it is the disease but I just can’t come to terms with it yet. I feel like I’m going mad myself, and I’m constantly on the verge of losing my temper. If I want to leave for a bit and meet a friend for a coffee, gran gets annoyed. Although tbh, I don’t even really want to go anywhere – it’s not like I’d discuss it with my friends anyway…

Sorry for moaning...

 

[rajahh]

do you live with her through choice or necessity. When I say necessity I mean do you have anywhere else you could live?

When you were away did she look after herself or was a care package put in place?

If she managed on her own, and you are financially able I suggest you move out and only visit.

When she gets sulky, then just leave.

Sounds hard I know and not easy to do, but for your sake it sounds as though it is what you need/

Jeannette

 

[Hedgy]

do you live with her through choice or necessity. When I say necessity I mean do you have anywhere else you could live?

When you were away did she look after herself or was a care package put in place?

If she managed on her own, and you are financially able I suggest you move out and only visit.

When she gets sulky, then just leave.

Sounds hard I know and not easy to do, but for your sake it sounds as though it is what you need/

Jeannette

Thank you for your reply, Jeannette.

It is rather through necessity. I am a student studying in the UK, and this is the home where I grew up (outside the UK). I am probably complaining too much, as I am back for three weeks only, but then again...

Gran is refusing to have any carers. She is just about coping on her own, although less and less so, and this transition is very difficult to go through Normally, when I am away, my dad visits her every day. Now that I am back he is having a little bit of a rest. I'm not in touch with my mum, hence it's just me and dad.

All the rest of our relatives walked away after the following happened: sadly, grandpa passed away this spring in a hospital where some of our relatives work... And a few months later gran came to them saying it was all their fault that grandpa died

 

[Delphie]

It might be an idea to try and get the social services involved. Sometimes a 'befriending' by care workers is successful and sometimes those new 'friends' are better at getting things done than family, and by that I mean that their help or advice is accepted when the same thing coming from family wouldn't be. That wasn't the case with my mum but anything is worth a try.

If your gran did accept a new friend popping in, maybe that friend could do a bit of cleaning and/or walk the dog outside for a bit of outdoor toiletting. They could also keep an eye on how much food is being eaten.

All well and good saying that of course, but if your gran sends them packing then you're back to square one!

 

[steffie60]

This does not sound like a moan to me just a course of events in which you currently find yourself. I am thinking time is short now for you on this visit but if you can possibly manage to take your Gran out for a while and your Dad could magic the dog away then when Gran goes back home you could say that the dog has passed and slowly she will come to terms with the dog passing. Little white lies sometimes help us through difficult situations. I know many a dog lover will not like my suggestion but when a pet becomes incontinent and the elderly person is unable to take care of the family pet then the animal will become a health risk to your Gran.

As to the neighbours perhaps you could enlist their help by getting them to hang bird scarers from their balconies or the shadow of a bird of prey to keep the pigeons away.

It is in the nature of women to want to feed their offspring and perhaps in your Gran's mind she is trying to feed you to make you strong and healthy, it is as you have suggested the disease as sufferers seem to have repetitive habits.

When you are at boiling point - walk away - the best bit of advice in the early stages of my mother's dementia given by health professionals was "avoid challenging behaviour" and truth is that bit of advice has helped enormously.

Break down each difficulty and handle each stage at a time. Encourage your father who will take over when you leave to do the same and try diversion tatics.
Good luck, I hope this is of some help and that all works out for you.

 

[Aquamanda]

I too am a total dog lover but what about if you sort of build things up by saying maybe the dog doesn't seem too well, and then you could say the dog has been sick and you have cleared it up, and say that you need to get your dad over to see what is wrong. Then if you can get your dad on side, perhaps he could also say the dog seems really unwell and so he will take him to the vet. Now if your Gran would insist on going too, could you also get the vet on side and explain that the dog is very elderly and incontinent and is a health risk plus is not being looked after and you wish to have it put to sleep? That way the vet could say the dog needs to be let go and she would have to accept it? Also, with the pigeons, would she be fooled by a bogus 'official' letter saying that there is to be no feeding of pigeons as they are causing damage to the building? I do hope you can find an answer, it must be awful living in that environment and a real health risk too.