All quiet on the Northumbrian front

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by northumbrian_k, May 11, 2019.

  1. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    747
    Male
    Newcastle
    I have been trying to keep things calm this week ahead of my wife's planned trial stay in residential care, which starts on Monday. All is quiet at the moment after a very trying week during which all the worst of her dementia-driven moods and behaviours seem to have been on show. I have realised how weary of it I have become. Proper 24 hour care for my wife cannot be delivered by one person. Realistically and reluctantly it is time to move our lives on to the next stage.
     
  2. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,372
    leicester
    @northumbrian_k, a hard decision but once the statement ‘one person cannot care on their own’ is uttered then the decision is made..
    I hope all stays calm and the move goes smoothly
     
  3. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    18,885
    Male
    North Manchester
    I came to that decision 6 years ago.
    I had sussed out a suitable nursing home less than a mile away and on the 1st Feb 2013 arranged for my wife to go there, she was self funding.
    When I returned home my major feeling was one of relief knowing that I could visit her at will and she was being well cared for, I went to bed and slept for 14 hours.
    Thereafter I visited her daily.
     
  4. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,597
    West Midlands
    Hugs

    A sensible decision, but horrible to do.

    Thinking of you xx
     
  5. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,474
    My husband has been in his permanent home now since February, he is well looked after, I am very lonely, but it was the right thing to do, I just couldn't cope anymore, please don't feel guilty, you are not alone. Take care. Lx
     
  6. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    747
    Male
    Newcastle
    "They must have been sitting in that car all night" remarked my wife about the 'people' (head restraints) in the empty car parked in front of ours this morning. It was the start of a new journey and perhaps a new chapter in the story of our 40+ years as a couple. Unknown to her we were on our way to a 2 week trial stay in what may become her new home. All went well with the journey and handover and I left her having a cup of coffee and asking where K was (she does that even when I am right next to her). Then it was back to a house that already seems empty without her and a slightly bemused greyhound. He's a great comfort and likely to get a few more hugs from me over the next few days ...
     
  7. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,787
    Female
    Scotland
    She’ll be fine and so will you but it’s a tough time after a long relationship.
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,185
    Female
    South coast
    (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
    Not an easy time, but you did well with getting her there
     
  9. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,313
    East of England
    I feel for you as I prepare for two weeks respite but not preparatory to a trial stay yet. It’s hard.
     
  10. Hellyg

    Hellyg Registered User

    Nov 18, 2014
    80
    Midlands
    I can sympathise, my husband is 58 with FTD dementia and I feel so weary. I admire you for making the right choice for you both. I am not sure how far we are away from this stage, not too far I think...but I struggle to know when the right point will be.

    I notice from you past post that you are a cyclist, which is also my sport (and my husbands too before he got ill) although I don’t get chance to touch a bike right but now! Hope you get some time to yourself knowing your wife is well cared for.
     
  11. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    747
    Male
    Newcastle
    Thanks for your comments @Hellyg. I am sorry to hear about your husband's dementia at such a relatively young age. I had almost 15 months off the bike in 2016/2017 as my wife could not be left at home safely, especially with the dog to look after. This was bad for me both physically and mentally. In 2018 I started getting an hour out here and there whenever we had visitors. But the real saviour to my sanity was getting home support, which allowed me to get out on a short club ride once a week. Periods of respite stay have also helped and I even managed an 8 day trip to Majorca at Easter this year.

    None of this comes cheaply, of course, but I am in the fortunate position that my wife is able to self-fund her care and that she has had access to respite beds that are bookable in advance. I am not sure whether that might be a possible way forward for you.
     
  12. NORTHSIDE

    NORTHSIDE Registered User

    Jan 28, 2017
    80
    Male
    Northumberland
    I can really empathise with you. My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 7 years ago she is now 60. Despite having 6 hours home care, 2 days at day care and support from friends I have now reached the point where I need some respite, sooner rather than later.

    I'm putting a short list of homes together and visited the first on the list last week. Despite it seeming very pleasant I just cant imagine taking my wife there and walking away. But after so many months of broken sleep and washing soiled clothes and sheets, being shouted at and losing my social life I am at the point where I no longer care for her as I used to. So its got to happen and I accept that this is just the prelude to her staying in permanent residential care.

    So thanks for writing and sharing your experience its so reassuring to know that I'm not alone in going through this. I wish you all the best in the future.
     
  13. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    1,074
    Female
    Dorset
    Enjoy taking your greyhound for walks K. Have you heard of The Great Global Greyhound Walk? Maybe there is one near you?
    https://www.greatglobalgreyhoundwalk.co.uk/

    Wags from Chancey the greyhound and Nutmeg the whippet lurcher.
     
  14. nestle

    nestle Registered User

    Jul 22, 2016
    63
    Female
    Southwest but Yorkie by birth
    Thinking of you Northumbrian Ken
     
  15. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,340
    Such a hard time for you. Thinking of you, Alice x
     
  16. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,313
    East of England
    As I embark on the same path @northumbrian_k I can only agree on the pain mixed with hard headed reality. My best wishes to you both because we are still two even though one is damaged.
     
  17. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    747
    Male
    Newcastle
    I agreed with the care home that I would give my wife a few days to get familiar with the place before visiting her. I don't find this difficult as I never visited her when she has been at the respite centre (I couldn't when I was on holiday). What is more difficult is learning how to relax and just enjoy freedom from the daily repetition of life with dementia. I rang the home this afternoon for an update and was pleased to hear that she seems to be more settled on this her 3rd day there. She is still asking where I am, but not as much, is joining in with activities and has even had a bath and her hair washed. It is very early days but the signs are hopeful.
     
  18. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,802
    Male
    Bristol
    Good to hear your wife is settling in ok, northumbrian k.
     

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