All moving too fast

[Onlyme_]

Hi, apologies for another whinge but I've metaphorically hit the wall today. I won't bore you with all my background; you'll see from my other posts that I'm an only child of a PWD with whom I've always had a a difficult relationship. I'm not a live-in 24/7 carer but was supporting my mom as much as I could with shopping, paperwork, finances, laundry etc etc and late last year the demands became more and more with constant phone calls and demanding I go round to her. Anyway it became unmanageable and I reached my tipping point late Jan then early Feb she was rushed into hospital after a fall, water infection, low sodium, delirium.... she was eventually discharged to a community rehab hospital 4 weeks ago where she still is.

It's all happened so fast I can hardly keep up and although I see that I've achieved a fair amount in terms of arrangements and reading up on how to deal with her behaviour, I feel so fed up that everything falls to me. I don't have much close family nearby and those that are interested enough to enquire how things are, don't actually DO anything. In nearly 7 weeks my moms sister in law visited her once and her brother visited once. Apart from that it's just been me, and my husband at weekends when he could. I'm not wasting energy on this generally as I know I can't make other people do anything.

But yesterday we were told that a care home had visited mom to assess if they could meet her needs for a 4 week temp placement - they could, and they will be collecting her tomorrow. We were told it could be weeks! And the care home is only about 15 mins away so it could be a lot worse. It has a 'requires improvement' rating but the report isn't too bad. So now I'm feeling rushed into this next stage. It's happened earlier than expected, it sets the clock ticking for us finding somewhere more permanent where we'll be self funding, and I am so dreading the effects of the move on her - the 'I want to go home' loop and increased confusion along with agitation and aggression. I don't feel I've built myself up enough for it. And I'm feeling a bit worried that moving her away from the excellent rehab hospital means a lot of the support, which I've clearly come to rely on, will disappear and it'll be like starting over. I've tried talking to my husband this morning but he was not at all sympathetic and could barely tear his eyes away from his tablet during the conversation. Surely if some one close is upset and asking for help, you help them, or at least give them your attention. Anyway, that's by the by.

As well as the feelings of apprehension I'm in a dither about the practical stuff. As this is a temporary home, how much do I actually have to do? I was going to iron in and stick on name labels over the next week or so but the labels won't actually be delivered until in the week. Do I need to advise anyone about her moving yet? I think the GP covering the enhanced assessment bed (I.e. The care home) will take over while she's in there but should her own GP be involved? What else?

The social worker hasn't been in touch about the move yet, am assuming that will be tomorrow. Based on conversations so far I'm not filled with much hope that I'll get anything other than the bare minimum of 'support' so feel I have to compensate by trying to find out info myself.

Any pointers would be welcome. And as usual I've gone on a bit so many apologies. Thank you so much as always for the fantastic support on the Forum x

 

[Bod]

If your mum starts to settle at this new home, and they are happy for her to stay, I wouldn't move her.
Clothes labels, sew-on will stay put, iron -on will fall off. Ask which system the new home use, there are several, and accept clothes will appear/disappear.

Bod

 

[Marcelle123]

My mother went from hospital to a care home for respite care, and my sister wrote Mum's name in most of the clothes in indelible marker pen. We'd already ordered some iron-on ones over the internet which had arrived quickly but in the event, I just sew them in.

The original idea was that we'd pay £20 for a tag with Mum's room number to put through her clothes, but after four days the manager told me he probably wouldn't keep Mum on after the monthly review as it was a non-dementia home and Mum had waved her stick at a resident and also wandered into other people's rooms and took their clothes.

I was then faced with the stressful search for another home just before Christmas, but she's there now, and not too badly settled, and they know what to do because it's a dementia home.

I'm telling you this because a) I want to send you good wishes over the stress, which I understand, but I hope the dust will settle for you fast and all be well. Visit local homes and put your mother on waiting lists in case the first home is no go after all.

And b) name whatever clothes you can, maybe with indelible marker pen in an inconspicuous place.

Good luck and best wishes. xx

 

[angecmc]

I would also try to arrange a meeting with the home manager, it can help to have a reasonable relationship with manager, team leaders etc, especially as you are a lone carer. When my Mum went into the care home, the staff made it quite clear that they were there for the rest of the family too. I have cried on many shoulders in the care home, most of the staff have been wonderful. Don't let the words needs improvement put you off too much, I have been in one that has a good cqc and another which has needs improvement, the one with good, I cannot for the life of me see how they keep getting a good result, the place is terrible, it was where my Mum was for respite, whereas the one with needs improvement, is a wonderful home with great staff. I hope it all goes well for you. I use labels called stickins you can get them on eBay they go on clothes and all other items and stay on even after many washes, I have only had to replace three labels after three years. I hate sewing so these were ideal and less time consuming. Take care xx

Ange

 

[stanleypj]

I can also recommend stickins labels.

I know that feeling of everything moving too fast on care home admission. Don't worry, go with flow. What the new resident needs initially in terms of clothes and personal stuff is actually not a lot.

 

[Amy in the US]

I agree that a meeting with the care home manager, nursing staff, whomever, is a good idea. I would request a formal meeting at some point not too long after admission (we call it a care conference in the States).

However, for your peace of mind, an informal chat on the phone with staff ASAP is what I'd suggest.

The staff at my mother's care home are supportive of me as well as my mother. I know I can ring them any time, day or night, for whatever I need. I also communicate via email (for the paper trail aspect as well as other reasons) and have the mobile numbers for the nurse managers and know I can call them if needed.

A few days' worth of clothes is plenty to get started with. I also recommend a fabric/laundry marker pen to get you started as it's quicker than ironing or sewing labels. I mark my mother's initials on the tags and/or inside the back of the neck. Label everything you can, and don't take anything valuable you can't afford to lose (sentimental or monetary value), including photographs. Color copies work well for photos.

I know that feeling of being overwhelmed.

Sending all possible best wishes.

 

[Onlyme_]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm coming down with a cold which I think is why I'm not coping so well today. I visited mom earlier and was reminded just how confused she has become over the last few weeks, and therefore how the care home is now the right thing for her. I will take the advice about going with the flow and see what the next couple of days bring. And I'll be speaking to the home tomorrow anyway. Thanks for advice re the name labels! It's the little things that can make so much difference. X