1. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Well at last the end. Mum died May 10th and today we eventually put her ashes in my fathers grave.
    Please "pray" they are now happy and in peace together.
    I was the only one of the family that was fighting back the tears. Afterwards it was off to a local pub for a drink and a meal. Mum would have hated it.

    Once Probate is done finished whatever I will have to put up with people coming in to view the house "my home" for the property to be sold.

    I am really scared of the future as I will not have enough to buy anything so all monies I receive will go on a rented place. Have cared for mum for so long I don't know what work I can do to pay for rent.

    Life really not worth living.

    Hope everyone is coping in their own way with support from this great forum.
    Regards

    Snuffy
     
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy, it must have been a rotten day for you then. My Mum and Dad also now rest together. I go up and I talk to them just like I always did. I tell them the good and the bad stuff, tend the grave and basically carry on. You will too. Yes life has changed, but it does have good days, and Snuffy, I have good memories and know that I did all I could. You did this too, what ever the future brings, you are your parents daughter, they will watch over you and will give you strength. Every now and then, I get a little kind of nudge that sort of says, hey, cheer up, we are still here, we love you and are very proud of you. I am sure that you will one day feel this way too. All the time you have your parents memories in your heart, you will never be alone, not really, no one can take that from you. Yes the material things like the house may go, but not the most precious thing of all, your parents love. Thinking of you, love and hugs, She.XX
     
  3. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    6,847
    Dear Snuffy,

    With everything that you’ve had to cope with recently, your feelings are entirely understandable. People have all kinds of individual reactions to the death of a loved on after a long and painful illness. Some people are angry. Some people are glad that the person is finally at peace. Some people are overcome with grief. Many people are all of these things at different times.

    No one can say what you are “right” or “wrong” to be feeling, or to sit in judgement of any kind. But your friends on Talking Point can show concern at what seems like a major depressive episode with suicidal thoughts. I am sorry if this seems too personal, but past experience has taught me that these things need to be taken seriously.

    You need to get as much support as possible at this vulnerable time. You have put so much into caring for your mother, you need to allow others to care for you until you are well enough to face the future with a positive outlook. It may also be possible to postpone the sale of the house until you are stronger.

    Everyone is different when it comes to what kind of help they feel they can accept and if you are depressed the train of negative thinking can make it very hard to make that first step. But you have already made that first step by sharing your feelings here with us. Do you have a GP that you would feel comfortable talking to? How about your mother’s social worker (as a carer you are entitled)? You might consider contacting Cruse, the bereavement charity, http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ or the Samaritans.

    Please do take care and keep posting!

    Sandy
     
  4. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Snuffy,

    I was so sad to read your post and I know just how difficult it would have been for you to share such an emotional moment with us here.

    Do take a bit of time before you do anything radical about the house or moving. You need to sit tight and work through your grief and loss first of all. Take as long as you need over this.

    Once you are feeling stronger, then I'm sure it will seem that life is worth living again and you will summon the strength and courage to start over.

    Thinking of you.

    Jude xxx
     
  5. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Snuffy
    I was so sad to read your posting and how unhappy you are.Please see Mum's social worker and take it from there ,I'm sure she will be able to guide you.
    Thinking of you and wishing you well
    Kind thoughts
    Norman
     
  6. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    520
    HI SNUFFY how i feel for you ,after reading your sad posting,iam at a similar stage myself ,my JIM died on the 21 may ,today i have been trying to decide what to do with his ashes,and am feeling very emotional ,of course things are much worse for you ,as you are to lose your home ,and there is not much i can say to console you ,on this .I came back on TP yesterday after a few weeks and realized there did not seem many familiar names there i think quite a few of us have recently lost a loved one ,so on that point ,i still think we may have something to offer each other,stay strong ,we are thinking of you.ANGELA
     
  7. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Thankyou Jude but it is not up to me re the house. Once Probate is sorted the house will be put up for sale as I have 2 brothers and a sister who are also beneficiaries.
    Snuffy
     
  8. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    you guys.

    You are all really lovely people. You all have your own probs but spend time to send such warm and understanding replies to my messages.
    I wonder if there should be a seperate place for those who have lost ones through this horrible disease.
    I just feel that new people coming to the site don't want to be put off by messages re relations who have died.
    Snuffy
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Snuffy, see where you are coming from, but from my own feelings I don't like the idea of a separate place for your postings. We can all comfort and assist one and other, whatever stage we are going through.

    I say let us just carry on with our comments as they relate to us at any given time.
    In our area our local carers support split our carers group meetings into sections, i.e. carers caring at home, carers with loved ones in care, and carers who had lost their loved ones. As a group we have lost valuable assistance from each other at different levels.

    Please carry on posting. Love to all, Connie
     
  10. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Snuffy,
    You haven't stopped being 'one of us', you belong right here, every time you sign on to TP.
    Reading sad posts like yours is upsetting, sometimes scary, but often they help me to re-assess, to count my blessings for what we still have, knowing it is unlikely to last, and they remind me that so many things that irritated me a year ago, or two, or three, or more were preferable to the 'here and now'.
    Hugs and best wishes - you have coped with so much, you will find more answers and solutions as you go along.
     
  11. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Snuffy

    I really think the power of TP is that it represents people at all stages of the process.

    When we first start to hit the buffers with a loved one with dementia, we think it is absolutely terrible. As time goes by and things develop, we realise it wasn't at first as bad as we thought [i.e. things get much worse].

    Over time we realise the implications of where we are going.

    Also, over time, we can reappraise the relative awfulness of the stages we have been through. Something that seemed insurmountable at an earlier stage, suddenly seems just to be part of our ordinary daily routine.

    We learn to expect things to get worse, and speaking for myself, although I have tried to appreciate how I will feel as Jan gets [even] worse, and eventually succumbs, I'm sure that final stage is going to hit me very hard indeed, and this will only be slightly moderated by the fact that she will then be out of her trial of dementia.

    So I believe it is immensely important for people such as yourself to post in the main body of TP. You are helping me in coming to terms with a future I will meet, whenever. For that, my thanks!
     
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy, it is almost a year now since I lost my Mum, I continue to post because sometimes my experiences can help others. You will find the same. As for a sad thread, well it's the same as Barbara Woodhouse and the TV, you click the switch and read/post as you want. I am sure many will want to support you and also learn from you. That is the wonderful thing about TP. With love, She. XX
     
  13. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Snuffy,

    Up until 3 week's ago I was technically a 'carer'. Since then I've had to put my parents in a Nursing Home and I guess now I could be termed as an 'ex-carer'. Only problem with labels is that I still 'care' very much about what happens to them on a daily basis, whether they are living with me or some place else. I also wouldn't really fancy being moved into another section of TP for 'ex carers'.

    In my opinion, you are and always have been far too modest about your role in your mother's life and you have really tended to undervalue yourself and your achievements. You created a warm, safe and caring environment for your mother during her last years and you have incredible strength of character to have been there for her until the last, with very little support.

    You have been and still are a very valued member of TP. We all need the benefit of your experiences however painful they were and still are at present. Many of us are still travellers on this awful AD road and we desperately need friends such as you to guide us through. There is no way that we would let you relegate yourself to a back seat on a small forum!

    Jude xxx
     
  14. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hi Snuffy,

    I have never been a carer in the strictest sense (whatever that is). I look out for my Mum who cares for my Dad. Now Dad is in a home, I guess Mum isn't his 'carer' any more either. What I'm trying to say (and everyone else has already said it far better than I) is that we're all in this together, whether we like it or not. In varying degrees and in differing roles and any information/help/insight that we can glean from others posting here can only be beneficial.

    My biggest problem (I think) will be that 'd' word. I have never had any one really close to me die, so your feelings/thoughts/wisdom maybe help me to start preparing in some small way. 'My heart goes out to you' sounds so trite, yet that describes it.

    Take care,
     
  15. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    You are all such brave people coping with all your various problems and I seem to winge and moan.
    good luck and take care
     
  16. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Snuffy
    if you want winge and moan you winge and moan.
    Whatever makes you feel better ,do it.
    I think you are a star
    Norman
     

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