1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

All Alzheimers people are not nice.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by mariak, Sep 4, 2003.

  1. mariak

    mariak Registered User

    Sep 3, 2003
    30
    Having just joined your site it seems that all is love and light.. sadly I am not in this catagory. Some of you may have read I lost my own home to save my mothers. Now I face the prospect of being homelss or looking after a mother who has been nothing but nasty most of my life. My brother doesn't want to know.. I am self employed and finding work hard to get whilst looking after my mother. The attendence allowence works out at about £1-2 per hour... who would get up at 3.00am, wipe up urine et al, put up with the nastiness all for that.
    I have a daughter whose life has been made a misery and a son who could no longer cope at home with her...
    I cannot cope much longer but sadly all anyone talks about is my mums state of health. She has had her life .. but is now ruining the lives of others.
     
  2. Angela

    Angela Registered User

    May 28, 2003
    151
    Wales
    Hi Maria
    Of course this illness, and indeed this site, is not all love and light. This site is encouragement and strength through a mutual understanding, and so we too can relate to the feelings you have, although we may not have experienced quite what you and your family are.
    You imply that you have either a social worker or CPN involved in your case, and if this is correct then they should be concerned about the impact your Mothers illness is having on your life too.
    They have a duty to carry out a carers assessment, and to renew this as the situation changes. So if you have had one in the past, ask for a new one.
    You do not have to be your Mums carer. You are not responsible for her, and no one should have encouraged you to think this.
    If you do not want to continue caring for your Mum, either as much or at all, then you have to let social services know this.
    Finally, is your Mum on the correct rate of AA?
     
  3. gemini

    gemini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2003
    69
    Nottingham
    Hi Mariak

    How refreshing to know that I am not on my own when i say that my mum in law is driving me crazy ??? Like you say....everyone seems to feel so sorry for the sufferer!!!!!.............Why.....The sufferer is ok, it's the carer that has to deal with reality of the situation...........

    My husband was brought up in a 'victorian' atmosphere......no stories at bed time....kisses or cuddles etc...It wasn't proper to show emotions.....

    As a result.....there is no emotional bond between any of her three children

    But we now have to confront this situation. We are now expected to show tolerance and compassion and sympathy to a women who has no 'bond' between us or her grandchildren......

    They don't tell you that in the booklets

    you are not alone

    Good luck

    Gemini
     
  4. gemini

    gemini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2003
    69
    Nottingham
    Me again....

    Going back to what you said earlier.......My husband and i are also self employed......we have been threatened with repossesson also.

    always managed to cling on!!!!

    self employment isn't what it's cracked up to be .....

    .....is it????

    regards
    gemini
     
  5. mariak

    mariak Registered User

    Sep 3, 2003
    30
    I would like to thank you all for your support. I now feel bad.. its just all the guilt that comes with this illness. My father who always supported me during his life died of cancer suddenly in 1990 .. Alzheimers is a horrible disease as the death is gradual and the pain and guilt just go on and on.
    Getting help seems almost imposible... doctors put her on drugs then forget to give her some to go home with . resulting in the most horrific withdrawl symptoms and she came out of respite worse than when she went in. I was told these tablets would not cause this .. but having seen my GP she said its almost certain they did. SOCIAL SERVICES..... what a complete waste of time.. they kindly closed the case on my mum... what did that mean???????? I didn't shout and scream loud enough!!!!
    My Mum was diagnosed in January this year and it seems we are really not much further on... but my mothers deterioration has now become dramatic.
    Thanks all listening...
    Maria
     
  6. gemini

    gemini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2003
    69
    Nottingham
    Hi Maria,

    You are doing everything (single handed) you can for your mum. You deserve a pat on the back. It is natural that you feel overwhelmed by having to cope with this situation. As you say...it is a terrible desease. To watch a grown person degenerate into a 'child'. It is not something that anyone expects to have to cope with. But you are doing a brilliant job.

    Hopefully you will gain strength knowing that there are people out here that wish you nothing but best wishes and support.

    Good Luck

    Gemini
     
  7. mariak

    mariak Registered User

    Sep 3, 2003
    30
    hello gemini..
    your username - gemini- are you a gemini? I am an astrologer!

    Maria
     
  8. gemini

    gemini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2003
    69
    Nottingham
    #8 gemini, Sep 13, 2003
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2003
    Yes I am......It does seem to be an accurate 'description' of my personality....I'm always in two minds about every thing!!!

    How are you today??

    I'm sorry that I can't offer any really constructive advice, but my mum in law is still in the 'early stages'. She came to live with us in January, but wasn't diagnosed until April so my knowledge and experience is so far very limited. I can, however, relate to your feelings of guilt and confusion, so hopefully can offer some moral support on that level.

    I notice that we both became members earlier this month, so we are both new to this.

    Speak to you again soon

    Regards

    Gemini
     
  9. Angela

    Angela Registered User

    May 28, 2003
    151
    Wales
    Yo dont have to feel guilty at all about what you typed, you put down your feelings, and we all have those feelings at times.
    Contact social services again. Tell them you want an assessment of Mums care needs and a carers assessment of your own. You are entitled to both of these by law, but you will have to tell them that the situation has changed, as you say they have closed the case. GET IT REOPENED.
    As I asked before, please also check that Mum is on the correct level of AA, the highest rate is aproximately £57 per week.
    Keep in touch
     
  10. mariak

    mariak Registered User

    Sep 3, 2003
    30
    Feeling sad & guilty

    How do I cope with the sadness that is now enveloping me... I have spent my life with my Mum... I have never been away on holiday without her... with her grandchildren we went all over world.. now she is moving inot a nursing home and my life is empty! I have always needed my Mum.. and the house is so dark and empty.
    I know I have to be strong for my daughters sake but I just feel so very sad and cannot stop crying ... I just miss her and fear the future.
    Thanks for listening...
    Maria
     
  11. Angela

    Angela Registered User

    May 28, 2003
    151
    Wales
    Maria
    I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this position. You have no control over these devastating events, and I'm sure far from ease the pain that only makes it worse.
    If these feelings are too much, you really should talk to your GP. He may suggest some medication to get you through, or offer counselling, either can only help you feel a little better.
    Take care
     
  12. mariak

    mariak Registered User

    Sep 3, 2003
    30
    Thankyou for your kind help...
    I know that my Mum is being cared for and I must remember the good times but I am not sure how to ge through this.
    Thanks for your support
    Maria
     
  13. Christine_R

    Christine_R Registered User

    Oct 21, 2003
    3
    Liverpool
    hi maria
    I know what your going through ,it was like that for me.
    my mums husband could not cope with her and ended up hitting her, so social services came and took her out of her home and she came and stayed with me for a few months, but Ionly lived in a two bedroom house so my mum had to share with my daughter. my mum did not what to share the room so my daughter had to sleep on the sofa which was not fair on her
    so social services put my mum in adult plasement.
    Icryed for weeks, Iwent to see her 3 times a week and came away crying as she would beg me to take her home, this was hard for me Iso desperately wanted to take her, but Icould not
    the pain was so hard to bear

    after a year the adult plasement said they could not cope with her any more, and where going to put her in a nursing home.
    so we went to look at some in our area.
    they were full of people in there 70,s 80,s 90,s my mum was only 57 years old , icould not put her there
    by this time my daughter had left home to live with her boyfreind

    so I talked to my parten about my mum coming to live with us
    at first he was not sure, but said if Icould cope with her it was up to me, and he would stand by me
    so my mum came home to me
    social servies where nothappy about it, they said you will find it hard to cope with,
    that was 4 years ago and she is still with us
    Imiss the person she was, kind ,caring,loving mum,the best mum you could ask for, I love her but I miss my mum


    ps sorry about the spelling

    yours christine

    ps you never stop crying
     
  14. mariak

    mariak Registered User

    Sep 3, 2003
    30
    I just want to say thankyou for all your help... I feel so alone, apart from mmy daughter who I try not to keep crying in front of. I feel so sad about the anger I felt during the last few months when it felt like I hated my mum and what this disease was doing.. I cannot turn the clock back and that is what is so hard. I just want my Mum back and know that its too late.. I am going ..but thankyou for being there.
    Maria
     
  15. Angela

    Angela Registered User

    May 28, 2003
    151
    Wales
    We all feel alone in these situations, and really we all are alone.
    I have a brother who suffers as much as me, but even though we are in this together, we each suffer so differently, and no one can really know how anyone else feels.
    We have to console ourselves that the other people do have an idea of what we are feeling, we can all empathesise with each other here. We may not be in such a bad situation, maybe our loved ones dementia is not as advanced as anothers, so we sympathesise with that person, and in our heart, we know that we too will be in a similair sitaution at some time.
    We may feel guilty that when we share our experiences and feelings, we then read that someone else is in such a more difficult situation and they dont seem as "down, guilty, tearful" as we do. Thats because we are individuals, and each sitaution is almost unique. But we are not completely alone ..... we do have each other here.
     

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