Alcohol and Vascular Dementia

[Miss A]

Hi everyone,

My Dad has vascular dementia and a history of heart trouble. He had a triple heart by-pass approx 20 years ago. Due to his heart history it's been advised not to take medication for his dementia as there is a strong chance it will interfere with his heart meds.

Dad is a keen drinker, during the worst periods he will drink 5-6 days per week, far more than recommended. The effect of alcohol makes his dementia seem doubly worse (slurring of speech, unable to hold attention in a conversation, words muddled up in a sentence). His consultant has also said that while he is drinking there is little they can do to help him - he needs to help himself. (He has been offered help at home and clubs to joining but has refused). Dad doesn't really seem to care and continues to drink. He has been signed off at the hospital so now he's not on their radar.

Does anybody else tackle the issue of alcohol with dementia? I know it is ultimately his life (and is is a grown man) but I get so angry with him for drinking and I am the one who has to pick up the pieces afterwards. He can't see that it makes him so much worse. It effects my life as well as his. People have said to me maybe is is drinking to block everything out (I don't think he has truly accepted what is happening to him).

On the days when Dad hasn't had a drink he seems like my old Dad, when he's been drinking I have little patience with him (I don't mean to sound horrible, I do alot fro my Dad and love him - that's why it upsets me!)

Thanks

Miss A

 

[marsaday]

I'm sorry you haven't had any replies yet so I will bump this back up the list for you.
I saw your past last night but didn't have time to respond. I always seem to reply to these ones (alcohol related) as I have a little experience with this and I know there are others here who do too -so maybe they will have something to offer.

My Mum, who has alzheimers, was living with my Dad, who is an alcoholic (No dementia). BUT, not ever being a big drinker, she had taken to joining him in a drink and, worse, going out, mainly to avoid him, and drinking before returning home. I suppose it was 'dutch courage' to face him. As you will know dementia and alcohol is not a good mix and she got into some very tricky situations being out alone in that state.

When we found her like that she would always cry and say 'I don't know what's wrong with me.' To which we would reply crossly, 'You're bloody well drunk again!' We were at the end of our tether.

We began to think she must have developed alcoholism too, but looking back it was definitely a coping mechanism. She already had a diagnosis of Mild Cognitive Impairment, which she kept to herself for a few years. So obviously this was worrying for her coupled with the never ending problems of living with my Dad.

Obviously the 'I don't know what's wrong with me' was a reference to her advancing dementia (unknown to us then, though we had our suspicions). Anyway we did eventually get a definite diagnosis and it was all hands on deck then to monitor her. Basically we couldn't leave her and my Dad alone and we felt she couldn't be held responsible for her actions.

Unfortunately (or actually fortunately as it turned out) things got worse as we couldn't be there 24/7 and she is now in care. ( A lovely place, though not happy!)

You are in a situation where your Dad can't last as long as others do looking after himself. The drinking will accelerate his need for full-time care and when it comes it may be a blessed relief all round. I would contact his GP, make SS aware of the situ. although they will probably say you have to wait for a crisis. It's a very sad situation where you feel powerless. I certainly thought I was totally alone in this predicament.

Keep posting and remember, on here, you're not alone.
Good luck
M

 

[bemused1]

Hard as this may be to do, you have to stand back and let things take their course.Like marsady I speak from experience, my oh is a 'keen drinker'. You cannot stop a drinker and dementia only makes it worse.
I have managed to reduce ohs drinking but he was never your conventional drunk, always in control until suddenly he was having too many falls (serious mobility problems), the slurred speech and even more drinking) Shocked me right to the core, he was a different person. I had counselling to help me come to terms with being told everywhere I went for help was you have to wait for the crisis.

never one to sit back I took a chance and told him I would get him a certain amount of alcohol ( accept you cannot stop them) and no more. Watered his scotch and reduced his intake by about 30%. But all you can do is your best and you MUST stand back for your own sake. In reality there is nothing you can do for him if he won't help himself and you have to learn how to disengage. Dreadful and soul destroying but do not let alcohol ruin two lives.

Pm me if I can help

 

[KatieB]

Hi Miss A, I could have been reading one of my posts. to cut a very long story short, both parents have Vasc Dem, mum is totally bed bound and frail, dad is mobile, frail, confused and most days, drunk. It is horrible to to deal with. He can be aggressive, rude and simply, just plain drunk. I hate it. I look after all finances for my parents so I limit the amount of cash he has available to him but like many alcoholics, he fnds the money to buy wine, beer and sometimes whisky. I have started buying low alcohol and non alcoholic drinks and he doesn't appear to notice but this doesn't stop him finding more booze elsewhere. And he hides it around the house. I have taken to removing the bottles when I find them. The boot of my car is filled with bottles of red wine. when my dad is sober I try to talk to him and he is so contrite, promises he'll stop but sadly the dementia makes this futile because he dosn't remember and the cycle continues. It is so sad because teh alcohol makes this horrible illness worse.
All we can really do is be there for our loved ones but in this one area, we can't stop it. I know it's hard for you, the others are right about involving GP and SS. I have done this and with their help I have been able to cope much better with his behaviour.
Take care of yourself and please stay in touch.
Katie

 

[Austinsmum]

Wow this has been an interesting thread opening up before my eyes. When I first noticed problems with my mum and wrote a long letter to her doctor giving her all available information, I mentioned, depression, alcoholism, breakdown, dementia or any combination as possible causes for the state mum was in. (Soon after she was diagnosed with AD and we moved her in with us). If we turn our backs for five minutes she will be rifling through the cupboards for alcohol - and the transformation when she finds some is quite shocking, and believe you me I'm open minded! AD + alcohol = quite a potent mix. But, NOBODY warned me of this so I'm relieved to read your stories.
She made me laugh the other day though, after denying finishing off a bottle of wine during the day she went outside to get some wood for the fire. When she put her coat on there was an empty bottle of wine in her pocket and she honestly thought the house cleaning fairies had put it there!

 

[marsaday]

LoL, Austin's Mum. If we didn't laugh we'd cry. That reminded me so much of my Mum 6 months ago. We couldn't leave her for 5 mins in my house but she'd be going to all the usual places to hunt out the drink. Funny she never forgot where I kept it!

I'd actually find whiskey bottles in her bag and she would deny that they were hers. Plus she'd hoover up any leftovers at the dinner table when she thought we weren't looking. Funny if it weren't your Mum.

 

[Miss A]

Thank you all for your replies, it was good to hear your feedback I appreciate you answering.

You all sound really strong people, I'm still finding it all hard to deal with. I'm worried that if I tell his doctor Dad will just refuse help or advise.

I do understand that I just have to let him get on with it, I don't know how I'm going to sit and watch it happen over the coming months/years.

Miss A x

 

[bemused1]

Miss A you will be strong and at some point it will become clear to you that there is really nothing you can do except look after yourself. Your father will make his own choices and until he is no longer considered capable of making them the law says he must be allowed to do just that. You have to find a way to step back and realise he isn't the father you knew.

On another note, I for one am somewhat sceptical of the value of trying to get a drinker to see a doctor. OH and I share a doctor and it took 3 visits and a couple of letters before I could convince her that all was not well. He (oh) refuses any help from mental health services, doctor or cpn and I can honestly say hand on heart that I have had more help and advice from people on this forum than anyone else. I recently saw dr for a problem of my own and she made no attempt whatsoever to find out how things were with him- of course it's not possible that it could be impacting on my own health!!! Refuse their advice to give up drinking and you are on your own and so is anyone trying to look after such a person.

Bitter I may sound, not with oh, no one deserves dementia, but with a profession which tars everyone with the same brush. How many doctors are alcoholics?

Counselling may help you come to terms with the situation, it helped me when I didn't know which way to turn. Go to your own gp and ask them to recommend a therapist.
Go out and enjoy yourself, do things for yourself, there is really no other way.

 

[Miss A]

Thank you bemused1. Strong words but I'm sure you're right. I have had counselling - for 18 months. I've recently stopped my sessions.

 

[marsaday]

I agree with bemused that sometimes it seems Drs are useless. You do feel totally alone when you are told there's nothing they can do. I see the GP is already aware of the situation so that's as far as you can go really.

I understand your trepidation about approaching your Father. There can be nothing more scary than confronting an alcoholic parent about their drinking. Sorry I have no answers and you do sound as if you need some right now! I wish we could wave a magic wand. We are watching our Father slowly drink himself to death and he's now alone in the house so we fully expect to call some day and find him dead on the floor. As I said he has no dementia- yet!

I have yet to try counselling. Did you find your experience a useful one? I fear it may be a waste of time.

 

[Miss A]

I have yet to try counselling. Did you find your experience a useful one? I fear it may be a waste of time.

For me personally, yes counselling helped me a great deal. I was sceptical at first but decided to go with an open mind, which resulted in a positive experienced. I went once a week for 18 months, it became part of my routine and now I don't go I have times where I miss it! I would recommend trying it but only you know when the time is right for you. To look at it another way - it could never be useless. If you try it and you decide that is isn't for you, then you've not lost anything. Nothing ventured nothing gained! At least you can say that you've tried and then you can rule it out.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, it must feel like you're playing a waiting game which is just terrible.

If I can help answer any questions please message.

Take care

Miss A