Alan's 1st Day with sitter

[Helen33]

Well today was the day and I think it went well. L is very nice and she had a calm, relaxed and respectful manner. Alan was more agitated than ever before her arrival even to the point that I had to come out of a counselling session to settle him down. This has never happened before

Alan kept wanting me to be there and it was probably because he doesn't know what is expected of him. I don't think he understands why she is there. I think he will just get used to it over time and hope that it just becomes a way of life.

As for me, I used part of the time to work and the rest to prepare lunch, do some things on the computer and just to chill. It was odd, not knowing what the rules are so to speak. It was odd for me so it was bound to be odd for Alan. The only thing is that I will be able to work things out with L but Alan won't be able to voice his concerns so easily (if at all).

Alan seems much happier now that she's gone and he is more relaxed and self-motivated. Perhaps this is a good thing that has come out of his ordeal this morning - I hope so.

I realised Alan's appointment with the Neurological Consultant is tomorrow morning and I decided to cancel it. The consultant has only seen Alan once and that was traumatic for Alan because he couldn't answer any of the questions. The consultant already told us there is nothing that can be done and he was the one who took nearly a year to inform us of the results of all the scans. We haven't seen him since that first assessment about a year ago. I cancelled because I thought it would be too much for Alan with the eye appointments, the sitting service etc. and felt that Alan would lose more than he could possibly gain. I have re-arranged it for sometime in November.
Love

 

[Skye]

Hi Helen

I found that if I was in the house, but not in the room with John and his sitter, he was always agitated. He wanted me to join them, to bring me a cup of tea, he was upset that I didn't wnat to be with him.

I understand that you want to use some of your time for counselling sessions, but would it be possible for L to take Alan out for a while? That would be something special for him, instead of him feeling abandoned.

 

[Helen33]

Hi Hazel

Yes, L is going to take Alan out but at the moment Alan doesn't want to go anywhere because he thinks he's going to be taken away They did go down to the papershop together to buy me a Wedding Anniversary card and also to the postbox up the road but he found that difficult because he thought she was going to take him off somewhere. L assured me that this was quite common and it put my mind at rest knowing that she knew what she was doing.

At one point Alan was terrified of me going out and I think he's just feeling very insecure about the whole thing. I will have lots of patience and give it loads of time because I know that it is me that has organised this whole thing with Crossroads and that I can talk about my worries and fears and find solace and comfort in the responses. Alan on the other hand is having to rely on experience and his trust of me.

Love

 

[Skye]

You've got all the time in the world, and if you get it right, it will make such a difference.

I'm sure it will work.

Love,

 

[heartbroken]

Hi Helen
so pleased it went reasonably well
keep on going I'm sure it will get better each time as Alan needs to be able to trust her.

 

[gigi]

Hello Helen..

I'm glad today went reasonably well for you both....

It will take a while to settle down....relationships don't form overnight....

If you show trust in L, I'm sure Alan will come to accept her...

It is a strange situation for any couple..when you think about it.

Would like to add I think you made the right decision in cancelling the consultants appointment. Time enough for that!

Love gigi xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Helen

Your account of your first day with a sitter for Alan sounds as if it was quite an ordeal. I`m sure ir will get easier with time, I hopeit will get easier with time, and Alan loses some of his insecurities and anxieties.

It does sound as if L knows and understands which is half the battle. I imagine you felt quite worn out by the time she left.

Fingers crossed for both of you Helen. It will help you so much once this service is established.

Love xx

 

[Christinec]

Hi Helen,
I am pleased to hear that this support has now started.It sounds really positive although it must feel strange for you both. The way you dealt with the consultants appointment sounds very sensible.
Best wishes

 

[Helen33]

Thanks everyone. Sylvia it could have been an ordeal but I think L's calmness, unflappability and air of kindness prevented it from becoming an ordeal. It was very odd but I would say that it was a help not a hindrance. Now if Alan were on TP giving his version I am sure the story would be very different!! For him it was an ordeal. However tonight he has been playing his guitar and has been happy doing his own thing in peace. I, however, am not looking forward to the introduction of another sitter because I think this will be very frightening and confusing for Alan. L is coming again on Thursday from 5 to 8 p.m. and this will be a different experience again because it is a different time of the day.

Thank you everyone for your support - I could write a book about it. Anyway Sylvia how's your book going and have you decided on a title yet?

Love

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Helen

I would say that it was a help not a hindrance.

That is so good to know.

L is coming again on Thursday from 5 to 8 p.m.

And that is wonderful to know. I had no idea evening sitters were available.

My book is coming along slowly. I am coming to some uncomfortable memories and really have to be in the right frame of mind to write about them. But it will be done.

The Title has yet to be decided. I`m waiting for a `Eureka` mament.

Love xx

 

[Margarita]

I don't think he understands why she is there. I think he will just get used to it over time and hope that it just becomes a way of life.

You could be right when you say your husband does not understand why she there, but where your introducing a sitter in an earlier stage it could work out in the long team as it did for my mother even thought with my mother it was only having someone in to wash her in the Moring, now my mother so use to it that she enjoy it when the woman come around & has a really nice rapour with her
Now my mother in a later stage I have intruded a carer for the evening for an hour , my mother finding it very hard to except , also just can’t understand why she come around in the evening to change her it’s been over 8 weeks now , mum still finds it very upsetting .

I will have lots of patience

Yes your right, you really do loads of patience with the added ingredient of Love, compassion of understanding of how it’s all making the other person feel in having someone other then us be there for them .

(even of course we understand we our always there for them)

From reading your post you got all that. I just loved reading your post it show a lot of insight into how your husband feeling about it, also acknowledging your own feeling in knowing you need time out for yourself

Its hard finding that balance in caring for someone at home, while still caring for Ourselves .

I found even thought I can still get under purser from it, as back then I had young children that how have now turn into adult children.

Its work for me in the long team in finding a balance in keeping mum out of care home still looking after myself .

 

[Helen33]

Morning Sylvia and Margarita

. I had no idea evening sitters were available.

I had no idea either because originally it was going to be 3 - 5 p.m. When the lady from Crossroads asked about times I explained that it was hard to know at the moment which times would be of the most benefit and showed her my diary. We realised that early evening on Thursdays would benefit me and I asked whether working up to 8 p.m. was too late. L said she would like to do those visits too and so it was arranged. I had the feeling that if I'd said 9 p.m. it would have been o.k.

This is a real learning curve for me but the experience so far about getting help is so positive that I don't think it will be very supportive to other people because it doesn't seem to be the norm. Maybe someone with more knowledge and experience than me could make some enquiries as to how this area can offer such a support package and others hardly anything. If it can be done here, it must be able to be done everywhere.

Margarita -

Its work for me in the long team in finding a balance in keeping mum out of care home still looking after myself .

This is good to hear Margarita and something I continually strive for myself. In my work I have always believed in keeping a balance between work and home life and have managed to keep that balance. When Alan became ill I had a harder job of keeping that balance but so far it is just about working and I think having the sitters will help. I am sorry that your mum is finding it hard to settle with the evening carer and I imagine that it might take quite a while now that she is older and more ill than she was. You are a shining star.

Love

 

[heartbroken]

Hope it goes well this evening Helen
will be thinking of you at 5
good luck

 

[Helen33]

Hi Heartbroken

Thanks. It feels really strange. More so than the morning. Will just have to have the experience to see how it is.

Love

 

[Grannie G]

I hope it goes well Helen. My fingers are well and truly crossed.
Love xx

 

[gigi]

Hello Helen..

It's just gone 5 and I'm thinking about you and Alan...

And sending positive vibes down the ether...

I've had a word with our sitter this week and asked her if she has an afternoon slot available to let me know...as Eric generally sleeps in the morning now and is more alert late morning..early afternoon.

After that he seems to sink again...

Looking forward to hearing your update....fingers crossed...

Love gigi xx