Any ideas about getting my husband upstairs to bed {a new feature ]and who becomes very aggressive when I try and get him out of the chair
Aggression
- Thread starter Angie
- Start date
C
Chesca
Guest
Hi Angie
Don't try to get him where he doesn't want to go, unless you want the fight! And, really, do you? What is going to be lost from him sleeping where he wants to fall, apart from offending the social mores; and what is going to be gained from you busting your soul, in the most of your loving gestures, to maintain the norm, to get to a place which you consider is normal? Nothing; you have to work this on its own terms, all of which will throw your best and kindest of intentions well to the winds.
Is he comfortable, warm and safe where he sleeps? Are you comfortable with where he chooses to rest such that you are at rest yourself? Can you manage all of that together? Stairs are frightening for an AD sufferer - what you see is a precipice to hubby. So, and it is only a suggestion that worked for me for a while, if you have any fairy lights left over from last Xmas or go any buy some, lay them down the very inside of your stairs, inside of each stair, so that they don't look like a black hole in which he might think is danger!!! Just a thought. Trial and error.
Chesca
Don't try to get him where he doesn't want to go, unless you want the fight! And, really, do you? What is going to be lost from him sleeping where he wants to fall, apart from offending the social mores; and what is going to be gained from you busting your soul, in the most of your loving gestures, to maintain the norm, to get to a place which you consider is normal? Nothing; you have to work this on its own terms, all of which will throw your best and kindest of intentions well to the winds.
Is he comfortable, warm and safe where he sleeps? Are you comfortable with where he chooses to rest such that you are at rest yourself? Can you manage all of that together? Stairs are frightening for an AD sufferer - what you see is a precipice to hubby. So, and it is only a suggestion that worked for me for a while, if you have any fairy lights left over from last Xmas or go any buy some, lay them down the very inside of your stairs, inside of each stair, so that they don't look like a black hole in which he might think is danger!!! Just a thought. Trial and error.
Chesca
Thanks for the suggestion which I will try.My solution was to pour myself a whisky ,look at this website and 30 minutes later managed to get him upstairs and he is now in bed fully clothed but as I have met this situation before it doesn't worry me so much Do you think it is a question of asserting his independence?
C
Chesca
Guest
Cheers, the whisky was a pretty fine idea and I speak with a shot in hand - always without the ice, the ice! My only addition is always 'yes another scotch but then I can be very very naughty!
As for a question of independence? Your darling husband still has his independence - albeit failing but you must let him go with it. I came to realise that you can't reason with the unreasonable -your hair will be white, your alcohol consumption alarming, the possibility of anti suppressant/depressant/flourcescent inevitable if seeking GP support. I only speak from my experience, and that is that in the end you have to go with the flow, hard though that may seem now but actually in time as you flow with it there are times you look back and say: why the hell did that (pick your particular angst) loom so important at the time in the overall scheme of things? - it's about hindsight but you're living with foresight! Love your man, I envy you (not in a trite way, believe it) and him ( that you found each other)!
Lots of......can't find the words but I'll go for it!!!
Chesca
As for a question of independence? Your darling husband still has his independence - albeit failing but you must let him go with it. I came to realise that you can't reason with the unreasonable -your hair will be white, your alcohol consumption alarming, the possibility of anti suppressant/depressant/flourcescent inevitable if seeking GP support. I only speak from my experience, and that is that in the end you have to go with the flow, hard though that may seem now but actually in time as you flow with it there are times you look back and say: why the hell did that (pick your particular angst) loom so important at the time in the overall scheme of things? - it's about hindsight but you're living with foresight! Love your man, I envy you (not in a trite way, believe it) and him ( that you found each other)!
Lots of......can't find the words but I'll go for it!!!
Chesca
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Chesca says "can't find the words", but as is usually the case, she finds just the right ones! Absolute sense!
Whatever works, whether it is 'normal' or not, just do it. In years to come you will probably think "I wish we could go back to that time when he insisted on [this or that], and I wish I had let him then".
Asserting independence?
Well sort of. These people feel that everything is being taken from them, absolutely everything. They are human, and they want to feel they have some control over something. They also probably feel "what the hell difference does it make where I lay my head?" as well as the fear of falling on a scary staircase. I think the fear of falling must be one of the huge obstacles for them.
I like the fairy light idea!
Very best wishes
Whatever works, whether it is 'normal' or not, just do it. In years to come you will probably think "I wish we could go back to that time when he insisted on [this or that], and I wish I had let him then".
Asserting independence?
Well sort of. These people feel that everything is being taken from them, absolutely everything. They are human, and they want to feel they have some control over something. They also probably feel "what the hell difference does it make where I lay my head?" as well as the fear of falling on a scary staircase. I think the fear of falling must be one of the huge obstacles for them.
I like the fairy light idea!
Very best wishes
Hi Angie
keep a blanket by his favourite chair to cover him with - and another spare for you as there is every chance you won't want to leave him there alone!
We bought Dad a reclining chair - the hard part was getting him to use that feature as it was a new "skill" but it did help to see him in what appeared to be a comfortable position rather than just slumped.
He would eventually go to bed but would often get up and go back to sleep in another during the night. All you can do is to make the environment as safe as possible.
Go with the flow!
Good luck
Kriss
keep a blanket by his favourite chair to cover him with - and another spare for you as there is every chance you won't want to leave him there alone!
We bought Dad a reclining chair - the hard part was getting him to use that feature as it was a new "skill" but it did help to see him in what appeared to be a comfortable position rather than just slumped.
He would eventually go to bed but would often get up and go back to sleep in another during the night. All you can do is to make the environment as safe as possible.
Go with the flow!
Good luck
Kriss
Thank you all for your helpful replies. In the cold light of day it does not seem so important now.
Angie
Angie
Hi Angie
that's good, and it is also important to remember that what seems impossible last thing at night when we are exhausted, may not seem quite so bad in the morning when we are rested.
Also, with our situations, there is no normality to stick to. It is just whatever works for us, at the time.
that's good, and it is also important to remember that what seems impossible last thing at night when we are exhausted, may not seem quite so bad in the morning when we are rested.
Also, with our situations, there is no normality to stick to. It is just whatever works for us, at the time.
Dear Angie,
There are some positive benefits to living in a bungalow and fortuntately negotiating stairs is one thing that I don't have to do with my parents.
Would a stair lift be too expensive? Or failing that, putting a bed downstairs - this of course depends upon where your bathroom is and whether you have a loo available. Otherwise, do think about safety gates on the stairs to prevent falls for the times that you manage to get your husband safely in to bed at night.
Jude
There are some positive benefits to living in a bungalow and fortuntately negotiating stairs is one thing that I don't have to do with my parents.
Would a stair lift be too expensive? Or failing that, putting a bed downstairs - this of course depends upon where your bathroom is and whether you have a loo available. Otherwise, do think about safety gates on the stairs to prevent falls for the times that you manage to get your husband safely in to bed at night.
Jude
Dear Angie
remember also that your husband is tired at night and this is a time when the awkwardness and aggression comes in.I think the problem is that they feel that they are being treated like kids,their independence taken away.
My wife will become verbally aggresive if I try to TELL her it's time to wash,it's time to get dressed,the answer is to let them think that they are making their own decisions.
Would it work if you told him you could not sleep without him,you needed him with you?
Just a thought
Norman
remember also that your husband is tired at night and this is a time when the awkwardness and aggression comes in.I think the problem is that they feel that they are being treated like kids,their independence taken away.
My wife will become verbally aggresive if I try to TELL her it's time to wash,it's time to get dressed,the answer is to let them think that they are making their own decisions.
Would it work if you told him you could not sleep without him,you needed him with you?
Just a thought
Norman
