Registered User
Oct 13, 2007
Thought I wld introduce myself. Although not officially diagnosed yet, because of other relations with AZ have started to recognise some of the symptoms. My mum is 89 and since Dec 2006 due to the death of my stepfather, has resided in a Care Home close to my home. Due to my own health I have been advised not to care for her at my home. (My husband works away from home so it wld just be me and my mum). My mum has always been very demanding and possessive of me (I am an only child with no children). I researched thehome where she lives before deciding on it. She has a lovely room with her own furniture and I do her washing/ironing. I also get her her little luxuries. I visited twice a week until a few weeks ago when my health had a serious problem. I am still undergoing tests. My problem is that my mum is extremely verbally aggressive with me accusing me of many things, as to how I must have been happy putting her in a home, not caring about her, her wanting to die etc. I have cut the visits to once a wk but following on from visiting her last Monday my husband has now told me that I must only go when he is with me. (He's home Sunday-Monday) She seems to behave when he is there with only small amounts of outburst. After my visit I spend the rest of the week going over and over what she has said but, according to the Home, she is her "normal" self after I leave. She is in an electric wheelchair which she manages very well. I am at the moment unable to lift her manual wheelchair/take her out so she hasn't been to my home overnight for a couple of weeks. When she is at my home she wants my constant attention and finds fault with everything, not sleeping etc. I wonder at times why she wants to spend the night at my home. I feel extremely guilty about her being in a Home but she is unable to care for herself. She also has medical problems. I know about walking out when she starts but feel like crying when I do. It is so nice to be able to get this off my chest and read other people's comments which confirm that my actions are right. Thanks for being there.:(


Registered User
Sep 23, 2007
Dartmoor Devon
Hello Rusty, please please do not beat yourself up over your Mum being in a care home . I know how you feel re the guilt and it is awful but is really not your fault . My Mum also gets agressive at times and is always accusing other people ( me included !) of stealing or trying to steal from her , of wanting her to die, all sorts of things which then prey on the mind after a visit . You must remember that if this is Alzheimers , your Mum cant help it and most likely doesnt mean half of what she says , its all part of the disease I`m afriad . The very fact that the staff tell you that she is fine when you are not there must be a comfort to you . My Mum used to be ace at emmotional blackmail, not intended but used all the same and it does hit hard but steal yourself to it if you can and comfort yourself that she is well cared for and happy for the majority of the time .
Love Kate

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Rusty, welcome to TP.

If your mother is able to control her aggression when you visit with your husband, I would do just that.
There is no point in leaving yourself open to complaints and upset if your mother has control of what she says.
In fact, I would avoid being on your own with her for a couple of months and then pay her a visit and see what happens.
Why should you leave the home upset, when it can be avoided.

Give it a try and see how it goes and let us know. It will be interesting.

Take care xx

blue sea

Registered User
Aug 24, 2005
Hi rusty

I agee, you are dealing very sensibly with a diffficult stiuation. There is a huge emotional burden and responsibility to carry when you are an 'only one'. Your husband is clearly very supportive and I would go with his suggestion of only visiting when he can go with you. Particularly while you have your own health worries, you don't need any additional stresses. I would stop having your mum to stay over - at least for the time being - as this would take the pressure off too. Though she seems to want to stay with you, her behaviour suggests she is finding it stressful too - perhaps she is more comfortable staying in her familiar routine in the home? If you still feel you need to visit more frequently, is there a close friend who would go with you? A short 'popping in' visit with someone else may be less stressful than a lengthier visit on your own.
Blue sea


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Rusty, welcome to TP.

I'm sorry you're finding visiting your mum so stressful. It's never easy, and there are always guilt feeling to cope with, but you certainly shouldn't be having to cope with aggression.

I think your husband is right, you should only visit when he is with you, for the time being. Hopefully your mum will setle, and you'll feel happier about visiting alone.

I think blue sea's right, too. You shouldn't try to bring your mum home for the time being. You need to leave her to get used to the fact that the NH is her new home, it will only confuse her to bring her out for overnight visits.

I do hope your own health improves, and your mum starts to enjoy your visits, instead of giving you a hard time.



Registered User
Sep 24, 2007
grimsby, n. e. lincolnshire
Hi Rusty,
The aggression aspect of this awful disease is, in my own experience, one of the hardest to deal with, but try to think that it`s not your mum talking - it`s the illness. This is probably easier said than done, but I found that, over time, it does work. Have you asked the home if her medication could be changed to combat the aggression? I know that it can be a bit "hit and miss" with various drugs, but it would be worth a try don`t you think?
The advice that blue sea gave regarding "popping in" visits with someone else also worked in my case.
I hope your own health tests go well, take care of yourself,
Sending a big hug,
Love Karen. xx


Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
I would have said, investigate the medication route, but it appears that the agression is only directed at you. It sounds as though there is some manipulation in there - which may or may not be conscious and deliberate. Alternatively, some people are just agressive towards people they feel they have a "right" to be. Oftentimes that will be the closest relative. As social skills are forgotten, close family feel the heat - as we all tend to be "freer" with them; whilst more distant relatives and strangers benefit from the remnants of self-control. My dad is more agressive with mum than he is with me - I am convinced this is because he comes from a time when wives did as they were told. Whereas I am an adult male and thus get more "respect". And I have always made it very clear that I will not tolerate it - even before he was unwell I made it clear that I wasn't going to be ordered about or do everything "his way"! He is sweetness and light to strangers - the old two-faced devil!

In the meantime and back to you ;)

It does sound as though it would be a bad idea to have mum to stay. It could be very unsettling and confusing for her and extremely stressful for you. Also you could be seen as giving way.

As to visits, it sounds as though your husband is right - make sure you only go when he can go with you. If that isn't possible, you need to be ready to say to mum "if you are going to accuse me of horrible things or speak to me like that I am going to leave" - and be prepared to do it.

You say that you think you recognise the symptoms of AZ. What convinces you? Also, if mum can control herself when your husband is with you, manage her wheelchair, etc, then sounds horrid to say it, but maybe she's just trying emotional blackmail...


Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Dear Rusty,
Welcome to TP. Sorry to hear that your not so well at present and I hope that things improve for you.
I know how difficult it is to be on the receiving end of harsh comments. My mum is the opposite she is more inclined to say things when there is more people around to hear.
Try not to take offence, I know how hard that is though. My husband always says the best way to treat situation like the one you find yourself in, is with indifference, as, it is so hard to beat.
Now, when things get on top of me I just think, well my conscience is clear, so why let it be my jailer.
You have received some sound advise from others and I hope it all helps.
Nebiroth said:
He is sweetness and light to strangers
I really like this description it fits my dad really well. Best Wishes Taffy.