Aggression towards partner and reaction

CatherineBordeaux

New member
Dec 7, 2019
1
Hi, my Mum is in middle stage of dementia and recently has become very aggressive towards my Dad. She suffers from the sundowning effect and does not recognise Dad from late afternoon through the evening believing he is her cousin. Dad however, does not help the situation as he argues back with her insisiting that he is her husband. We have excellent carers who come in three times a day and who give fantastic support to both of them. However, we are now getting to the point where she is shouting and screaming and swearing at Dad and he is doing the same back. She has called the police on two occassions now to report a stranger in the house which is my dad. Last night she barricaded the door and the carers couldn't get in.

Social services have been round but are reluctant to offer respite as my dad keeps refusing this and they say that they have to respect his wishes. He complains to the carers that he cannot carry on and then refuses any help! We have tried to organise days out for mum with volunteers but he won't let her do that either!
Anyway, just wanted to have a rant, and any advice would be welcome!
 

Normaleila

Registered User
Jun 4, 2016
720
Social services seem to respect what what your father wants for himself - no interference - but they must consider your mother's needs separately. They should provide a written needs assessment for your mother. It can't be good or sustainable to leave her in that situation.
 

Crosscopgirl

New member
Jan 17, 2020
7
Hi, my Mum is in middle stage of dementia and recently has become very aggressive towards my Dad. She suffers from the sundowning effect and does not recognise Dad from late afternoon through the evening believing he is her cousin. Dad however, does not help the situation as he argues back with her insisiting that he is her husband. We have excellent carers who come in three times a day and who give fantastic support to both of them. However, we are now getting to the point where she is shouting and screaming and swearing at Dad and he is doing the same back. She has called the police on two occassions now to report a stranger in the house which is my dad. Last night she barricaded the door and the carers couldn't get in.

Social services have been round but are reluctant to offer respite as my dad keeps refusing this and they say that they have to respect his wishes. He complains to the carers that he cannot carry on and then refuses any help! We have tried to organise days out for mum with volunteers but he won't let her do that either!
Anyway, just wanted to have a rant, and any advice would be welcome!
Ò
 

Crosscopgirl

New member
Jan 17, 2020
7
Sounds like you and your family are having to handle a very difficult situation as well as gaving to cope with the statutory agencies. Does sounds like yr dads not well either. Would it help to talk to your parents GP this would help you with a way forward. Good luck
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
291
I think you need to be very firm with your dad here, and point out that while you understand the enormous stress he is under you feel he is putting your mum at risk if he will not agree either to respite care (which will give him a break and chance to recharge) or maybe home care help to take some of the day to day caring chores off him. Suppose your dad snaps and hurts your mum? It is possible that under strain he could especially if he too is experiencing mild cognitive decline.

If he won't agree to help/respite then you need to explain that you will be telling the social worker hes not coping and he is putting your mum at risk, which he is. He's already being unreasonable when you explain to him arguing with your mum is useless.
 

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
63
Derbyshire
This sounds exactly like my situation with my Mum and Dad, Mum is now in a nursing home after the police had to be called for her wandering and she failed 999 about my a Dad supposedly attacking her. Social Services have stepped in and said Mum needs full time 24/7 Care because she is insulin dependant and Mum’s level of dementia she was diagnosed with Frontal Lobe and Vascular Dementia
Dad still want her back home to look after her but that isn’t an option now and isn’t coping well and we are awaiting a memory assessment for him
Mum has deteriorated so quickly she hardly remembers who we all are
Dad got verbally agitated with me but since she has been in the home I am beginning to gorged a better relationship with my Dad
The Doctor has put him on antidepressants and we are monitoring him closely
It is so hard to deal with and I feel for you xxx