I know all the things we are not to do - dont say dont, dont confront deflect etc. But I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope. My husband mood has changed. As his memory declines and he finds it more difficult to find the words he is becoming more anxious and difficult to manage. He feeling that I am bossing him and telling him what to do and I am but more because somethings he is doing are now dangerous and also somethings I 'd hoped he would like to do and enjoy. But anything I suggest is wrong. He is constantly moving things and packing things. I know that there is no point in constantly telling him we are going no where but it really is taking its toll on my mental health. This is no longer a home just a place where currently we both live. He is slowly destroying the garden - dig holes, pulls up and cuts things that dont need cutting. He was already cross with me so he went and sat in full sun. i put a chair in the shade for him but he would see me in hell first before he sat in it. Oh and he probably doesnt know its even me. Often after a 'row' he will tell me how the carer was rude to him. This is the bit i find hard - the fact that you could say a row was normal between a married couple and then its not because he doesnt know it me. Sometime I think its an act but I am sure we all go through this. At the moment he has gone outside the front door and is sitting in the shade - unless he has wandered off. I'd better go and check. And this very action will not go down well. I send my love and hope to all of you caring for a SO with dementia - its the saddest and loneliest job in the world xxx
Aggression and an unwillingness to help
- Thread starter CherryTT4
- Start date
Hello @CherryTT4
That sounds a bit like anxiety kicking in with your husband - It's a big issue with my wife so I know how hard it can be.
If your husband is the type who will co-operate with his GP it may be possible to find some help there.
That sounds a bit like anxiety kicking in with your husband - It's a big issue with my wife so I know how hard it can be.
If your husband is the type who will co-operate with his GP it may be possible to find some help there.
Hello @CherryTT4
My mum has late stage vascular dementia and has been in a care home for some years now. She has often been very aggressive and agitated, and we found an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication to be effective, although everyone varies of course. Mirtazapine was very beneficial for mum but the GP will no doubt have advice on whether this or a similar medication would be suitable for your husband. We found regular reviews of medication to be extremely helpful along the way, so it is worth asking about.
My mum has late stage vascular dementia and has been in a care home for some years now. She has often been very aggressive and agitated, and we found an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication to be effective, although everyone varies of course. Mirtazapine was very beneficial for mum but the GP will no doubt have advice on whether this or a similar medication would be suitable for your husband. We found regular reviews of medication to be extremely helpful along the way, so it is worth asking about.
What you describe sounds like a fairly classic experience of Alzheimers - and is very similar to what I experienced with my husband - and I now know many others'. Yes - there is medication of various kinds that might help - and you should see your GP unless you are already registered with a Memory Clinic in which case you might be able to go straight back to them. Excuse me if you have already done all this, but you should also register as a Carer and try to find out what help is available for you - again via the GP if you have not done this before. Finally, I would definitely try to find some respite whether that is some help during the day or overnight stays. This was the bit that I found hardest - but my life improved when I found a 'friend' for my husband (I never called them a carer, though they were) and got some time to myself. Eventually after a few years I realised that my husband was so advanced that no home would take him for respite - the effort involved in adjusting him to a stay overnight and risk to other residents was too great. I eventually opted for full-time care. I guess I looked after him at home for around 8-9 years from the point where he could no longer be safely left alone, though he had been showing some of these symptoms before that - but everyone is different.
@update2020 Oh God, 8-9 years! I can't imagine how you managed that. Into 3rd year since first symptoms and difficult, verbally aggressive, almost wheelchair-bound OH who can't be left for long for last year and I am doubting I can handle it much longer. Yes, we still have good days... but I think my definition of a good day is just not a bad day! @CherryTT4 can identify with lots in your post. Yes, I am nagging all the time (like how to sit on a chair safely), yes, talks of the nice woman who takes care of him, which isn't me though no one else around! Ha! Yes, constant anxieties and fiddling... Am about to get a carers assessment which might lead to some help as it isn't means tested - something I have only just found out, but which I am jumping at. Would be nice to get a day or even a half day when I can actually go out and not worry about what might be going wrong.
I wouldn't use our experience as a benchmark - I do now understand how different everyone and their progression is. My husband is still only mid 60 and was around 50 when it all started and he stopped working - your husbands maybe older or just different in so many different ways. I would say - do consider a care home when you feel you cannot cope at home any longer - and definitely, definitely, definitely get any kind of respite that you can and that works for you. I found a great agency via my local Carers' Centre who did all the legal, payroll and tax work for a fairly small annual fee and I employed 'friends' (carers) for my husband directly. Much better (for us at least) than any care agency because I could pay carers decently and hire people suited to my husband's needs (often friends of friends).
@update2020 agree, each person's journey is different. And yes, OH older... now 77. Jogging at 74, so decline has been rapid. And yes, looking at care homes. Consultant told me he might need one last summer when first officially diagnosed - but this was after a fall and a hospital op that really kicked it up. We had to pay live- in care for over 6 months as he was bed- bound and so confused/ delirious he couldn't be left unattended at any point for months. The official diagnosis led to medication and a huge improvement... but sadly it now feels like we are going backwards again. As @CherryTT4 said, we share a house rather than a home now and I can see that soon he might be better off in a care home so now Covid less worrying can actually see some. Also note comments re anxiety... might be worth trying an anti-depressant. So thanks for that. The verbal aggression is what is getting to me most. I can handle wheelchair (no need for a gym now!) , Am ok with the incontinence and repetitive questions, but oh how being told he hates me and would like to punch me is hard to take....
Oh - that sounds awful - but it is all awful isn't it? I hope that you find a good care home. Ours is brilliant - we've had tough times with the NHS but the care home is fantastic. Good luck.
@update2020 thank you. Will look into home care too... cheaper and OH would probably prefer. But it does feel like a sort of limbo situation. Other problem is OH would be a self-funder... yet doesn't want to pay out anything for care. Our finances (over 40+ years) have always been separate and I have POA for him when he has no capacity - not the case yet, so unless I pay out myself now, we can't have any paid care. Hence trying for carer assessment... Oh dear, all so tricky to work out. Anyway, thanks for advice. Got to wake him up now to take his evening meds as he didn't want earlier as wasn't going to to go sleep at 8 pm. Which is why I can hear him snoring!
My wife is on Mirtazapine for depression and Pregabalin for anxiety, as well as her Alzheimer's meds. The meds haven't solved any issues but have made things a bit easier for both of us.
It took a while to find a dosage/combination that worked well for my wife but the end result was worth the 'trial and error'.
Are you sure he still has capacity to organise his finances? Does he understand where his money is going? Does he still buy things and manage his finances? Or have you just asked him if he is willing to pay for care? If you ask anyone with dementia if they are willing to do something the default answer is almost always "no". If you wait for them to agree to something you will wait forever.
There comes a time when their needs outweigh their wants and you just have to get on and organise things anyway.
I would definitely consider registering the POA with the bank - you may need some creative "love lies" to smooth the path, but find some way of getting help.
Definitely has no idea re his finances. But I have handled all the savings accounts for years anyway anf osuf all the bills, especially as he is not an internet user. Didn't know I should register POA with bank. Do I need to? Accounts all online so I used his money last year to pay for essential post op care (Kept invoices and records). He had a DOLS at hospital but after the delirium settled and on meds for AD he really can understand enough to decide that he doesn't want any carers in. Hence we stopped them. Bit chicken and egg really .. he has to get worse or hit a crisis before I can get help in. I want the help but not the crisis... And bet this sounds familiar to a lot of those on this forum!
as others have said - some 'love lies' might help.
My husband was very happy to have 'friends' when he would certainly have rejected 'carers'. He needed 24/7 care by then and it gave me a necessary break. His 'friends' took him for walks and made coffee and snacks for him (none of which he could do on his own).
The bank needs to know about your POA and it will want to keep copies of it on file.
A very common feature of AD is (often angry) denial of the condition and of any need for help.
My husband was very happy to have 'friends' when he would certainly have rejected 'carers'. He needed 24/7 care by then and it gave me a necessary break. His 'friends' took him for walks and made coffee and snacks for him (none of which he could do on his own).
The bank needs to know about your POA and it will want to keep copies of it on file.
A very common feature of AD is (often angry) denial of the condition and of any need for help.
Thanks. Will sort bank soon as. Appreciate this info @canary and @update2020
Yes, know there is denial... and so much loss of memory. OH just told me he thinks I am his cousin ( 47 years together wiped out) and can't believe we have ever been married. On the plus side, yesterday he proposed... maybe I'd better say yes and go find a pricey diamond engagement ring! we could then move swiftly towards divorce... Joking aside though, I have nearly had enough. AD is killing me alongside OH. And a lot of my memories feel tarnished now.
Yes, know there is denial... and so much loss of memory. OH just told me he thinks I am his cousin ( 47 years together wiped out) and can't believe we have ever been married. On the plus side, yesterday he proposed... maybe I'd better say yes and go find a pricey diamond engagement ring! we could then move swiftly towards divorce... Joking aside though, I have nearly had enough. AD is killing me alongside OH. And a lot of my memories feel tarnished now.
@Pots and Pans - from what you have said I really do not think that he has capacity now.
He is saying "no" (just like they all do) without any real understanding of what is being asked of him as he no longer has understanding of the reality of his situation, or what the consequences of his refusal will mean.
If he can afford the care then I would just go ahead and get carers in. It is really hard to change from trying to enable his wishes to implementing his needs, but if you dont you will crash and burn. Use whatever love lies you need, but just do it - dont let it reach carer burnout before you do.
He is saying "no" (just like they all do) without any real understanding of what is being asked of him as he no longer has understanding of the reality of his situation, or what the consequences of his refusal will mean.
If he can afford the care then I would just go ahead and get carers in. It is really hard to change from trying to enable his wishes to implementing his needs, but if you dont you will crash and burn. Use whatever love lies you need, but just do it - dont let it reach carer burnout before you do.
