Aggresive abusive behaviour

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Trishdud, Jul 6, 2015.

  1. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Hi all,
    My mom has had sudden onset dementia for a year now. I am familiar with the abuse and aggression she exhibits, but wonder if it's normal for her to always want to punish everybody. She is very accusatory and constantly says she wants to die. Some sufferers I know forget that some family members have died, but my mom knows exactly who's passed and wants to be with them. There is rarely any positivity and so visiting her is always stressful for all family members. We try to cheer her up with all sorts of tactics, but nothing works for more than a few seconds, then she is back to abusing us. I think I could cope, if there was some funny or loving moments, but after a year of abuse, this is so depressing. I try to remind myself that she doesn't know what she is saying, but the stuff that comes out of her mouth is uncannily harsh and direct and breaks our hearts to think she just might hate us as much as she makes out. Is this just a manifestation of her frustration? Does anybody have any good ideas or strategies to use and does anybody else out there have such a hard time?
    Trishx
     
  2. Chewy

    Chewy Registered User

    Feb 4, 2013
    31
    I think we all get a hard time one way or another. My dad has been awful , I still love him but know it's not my dad doing these awful things we endure. What keeps me going is knowing that with all my problems there is always someone out there far worse than my situation. And I always say to myself " it's a great life if you don't weaken " . We are all in similar situations and this is a great site to get some help/advice with any problems you might have, it's also good for letting of steam as people here understand what you are going through. Good luck.



    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  3. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Thanks

    Thanks for your comments I don't give up even though it would be easier to do so. It would be good to hear of others experiences, so if anybody wants to share.....?

     
  4. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    I experienced the same from my mum and is got worse ovet a 4 year period. She seemed to hate us all. That is except fir my no use sister who never visited or ohoned. She had mum convinced that she was too ill so mum felt sorry for her. I did everything and saw her every day but got nothing but abuse. I had to ealk out several times and take my chikdren out of her house because of it. This stopped as soon as she was taken to hospital after a fall. Its ad if i was only a bad daughter when she was at home. She is now in a care home and still being very polite to me. I cant believe it and am waiting for it all to kick off again. I feel like i am in recovery aftercall i have been through. Set ground rules and protect yourself. Thinking of you.
     
  5. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    178
    Hi Trish

    I am afraid I probably won't be able to suggest much, but it may reassure you somewhat to say that some of this behaviour may be a phase she is going through.

    In the early stages my Mum was obsessive and repetitive and wouldn't let a subject rest. She went through a stage of getting very weepy about her sister who was sadly killed as a child in a bombing raid in WW2. This obviously had an enormous impact on her life, but she had learned to cope with it, until she got Alzheimer's. At times she also said she wished she was dead. This phase did pass.

    There was one awful time she agreed to stay with us to give her husband a break. After the 3 hour journey we arrived at our home only for her to say that she didn't know she was going to stay. She got very disturbed and aggressive and starting crashing furniture around and hitting the table with her fist. We said we would take her home in the morning but she got so hysterical that we feared she would harm herself so agreed to drive her the 160 miles home that night. On the journey she started getting very abusive towards me and calling me horrible names. She said she never wanted to see me again and wanted to smack me in the mouth. It was totally out of character and she had never spoken to me like that before. It was like someone possessed and very shocking and upsetting. I wonder if she really recognised me in her confusion on that journey. When we arrived at her home it was as if nothing had happened and she was back to her old self.

    As the disease progressed she became more aggressive and was put on Risperidone as her husband couldn't cope. This did calm her down. When I was staying there last time she hit me when I tried to help her with something. The next morning she came into my room and said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it." Although she didn't say what she shouldn't have done I knew she was referring to her hitting me. She also became confused about who her husband was and thought he was two different people. Some days he would be "the good one" and sometimes "the b******." Two weeks ago she went into a home and had spells of aggression so is still on the Risperidone. They don't like prescribing this drug unless they absolutely have to and in my mother's case it was because of the physical aggression, not the verbal aggression. I assume by what you say your Mum is still living in her own home. If so I wonder if it might help if you had a quiet word with her GP as she may be suffering depression, but of course if anything is prescribed she may refuse to take it.

    It is extremely upsetting for family and I do feel for you. I am sure that you are right when you say it is a manifestation of the frustration she feels at not understanding what is happening to her. Your mother doesn't hate you and may not even realise all the time that she is talking to the family. It is so difficult to advise you what to do but I would say don't contradict her, just agree with her, apologise to her for whatever you are supposed to have done wrong if it helps and try to weather the storm.

    EM
     
  6. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    My dad can get very verbally abusive with my mum, but in his case I think it is retaliation for the years of hell she has given him. He would always take her abuse without a word, but now he tells her to F-off, hits the table, etc. It shocked me when he first started - it was like he was possessed. Even his voice changed.

    LS
     
  7. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    441
    My mum is never grateful for anything we do for her, and is never pleased to see us on our regular visits, running us all down to our faces and behind our backs to other family members - everyone except my brother who is wonderful and does everything for her despite not seeing or speaking to her in over 3 years!
    it is my fault her lunch club closes over August and she blames me for leaving her to starve, even though I am arranging hot meals delivery , visiting even more and making sure she has plenty of finger foods and sandwiches in the house.
    I cope by not letting her upset me which is what she wants, and then go and cuddle my grandchildren
     
  8. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Thanks for all the words of support guys

    Mom has been in a home but recently her health has deteriorated further and she is now in hospital through sepsis following a uti. She refuses to take meds and is now starving herself. It's so sad for us all. I just hope she remembers the lovely day we had at the park last week. It looks like the aggression is so common and listening to your stories although tremendously sad is so helpful. I don't want anybody else to go through what we are going through, but at least we go through it together. I'll try to be a bit more upbeat from now on.x
     
  9. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Thanks

    I hope the reprieve lasts. Maybe she feels more secure now and so doesn't feel the need to blame you for anything.
     
  10. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Thanks

    You have certainly been through it too. My moms situation is rather odd as she was ok one day and changed the next. She had a uti followed by a morphine overdose, so within hours she was a changed person. Don't you think it's like a bereavement when you lose their personality? I'm thinking of you too.x
     
  11. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Thanks


    I'm sorry your tag is long suffering - that speaks volumes. How are you coping?
     
  12. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Tahnks

     
  13. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    My father was alternately grateful that I was helping him and then insanely angry that I was interfering. He accused me of stealing his money and his Will. No one said he had Dementia, but the GP put cause of death on his death certificate as Dementia, so they knew all the time. When I read it, everything fell into place in my mind, and I wished I had understood at the time, instead of being terribly upset.
    Now I know so much more, and when my husband with Alzheimer's gets angry with me I can be more understanding and not so hurt by it. It isn't him, it's this vile illness. It's so hard, and I do feel for you.
     
  14. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    178
    They call it the long goodbye


    It is exactly like being bereaved Trish, except the person hasn't died, not physically anyway. I am mortified to see my mother like this and she would be too if she had any perception of what she is like. I have seen an elderly person with a UTI become temporarily very confused even though he didn't have dementia so it's understandable what it can do to someone with dementia. Keep your chin up! It's good to know you find some comfort from this forum.
    EM
     
  15. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Medical knowledge

    Why do medical professionals not keep people informed? I asked what bug mom had at the weekend to which the reply was '"are you a nurse". I found out by reading her notes that she had sepsis. I understand that not all people have an understanding, but I think they should try at least. That time with your father could have been so different. Ask questions and Google stuff, it's amazing what you can find out without having a degree in medicine. I truly believe that medical professionals really want to help, so don't be afraid to ask.x
     
  16. Trishdud

    Trishdud Registered User

    Oct 29, 2014
    13
    Thanks emily

    It's like being reminded daily that somebody you love has passed. With a normal bereavement most of us know that as time passes you learn to live with it and not think about it as often. With dementia you are reminded every day and sometimes many times a day that you have lost them. Demonic it is. Thanks so much for talking to me and for all of us out there, you will be glad to know that I'm signing off now to watch TV with my daughter!
     
  17. JayGun

    JayGun Registered User

    Jun 24, 2013
    291
    My MIL sounds very similar to your mom. Nothing is ever right, there's no acknowledgement that we are trying to help her, she constantly says that she wants to die, and makes gobsmackingly vicious comments both to our faces and to other family members about us.

    We attribute it to some of her more negative personality traits being amplified by the dementia, and also we've decided that she reacts to being frightened or anxious by going on the attack. The only thing that helps is trying to keep her happy, and as you say, nothing really works and it is very hard work. I find it distressing when she is evil to my husband when he does so much for her, and I can't stand it when she starts in on my kids. They are grown up now but my son pretty much avoids her nowadays after some of the upsetting hurtful things she has said to him.

    I don't really have any hope for you lovely, we are a few years in now and still waiting for this phase to pass.
     
  18. Natsim80

    Natsim80 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    3
    Agressive behaviour and unfair limitations

    Hi,

    My Nan has rather agressive behaviour at times, but I know that this is down to her own anxiety and frustrations from the alzheimers. My Nan has been in a care home for the past 8 months and has found it hard to adjust. My family has found that if we take my Nan out, she is much calmer and relaxed but once we take her back to her care home she begins to get verbally abusive and will raise her fists at you. It has been very trying for my family to see her like this especially my mother who is her main carer. Last week the care home imposed that none of my Nan's family members are aloud to take her out for the day, not even to the garden that they have at the home. My Nan has become very destressed by this and is very tearful, which is hard to watch.
    My Nan has always loved the outdoors and would regularly go for long walks with her dogs, I feel that not allowing her out will crush her spirit. What I want to know is can their have the power to do this?
     
  19. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    99
    Longsuffering, what you said about seeming to be possessed really struck a cord with me. In fact my sister and I were saying those exact words last night. Mum is constantly abusive and aggressive with us. As soon as she sees us her face immediately changes into a look of hatred and her eyes seem to go all dark! Honestly is the weirdest thing to experience after having all these years with our gentle, loving mum.
     
  20. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hi Jess,

    Yes, it's really creepy. I can tell as soon as he comes on screen on Skype whether it's him or "the other guy". When the mood comes over him, his whole facial expression changes. It kind of sags, his mouth droops and his eyes seem to sink into his head. In that mood he is polite but sad with me and vicious with my mother. But then as i said, she's always treated him like **** and I guess now he is retaliating. It must be horrible for people who have always had a good relationship with their parent for them to suddenly turn so hostile. I hope this is a phase your mum gets out off. I think it's actually a blessing if they are in a happy La-La Land state instead of the abusive one even if they are less communicative. Best of luck.

    LS
     

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