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Aggresion when incontinent pads need changing

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by jos112, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. jos112

    jos112 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2016
    I'm sole carer for my dad. For the last couple of weeks he has become very aggressive at pad changing time. He refuses point blank to let me drop his trousers so I can wash him and change incontinent pad.
    Tonite he has gone to bed with a dirty and wet pad which he has had on since this morning. I'm at my wits end. I dont want him getting sore but how do I deal with it.
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi @jos112
    sadly that's not an unfamiliar situation
    do you have some home care visits, as sometimes a person will co-operate with a carer, maybe appearing as an authority figure in a uniform, when they are awkward with their family carer

    you might also mention the aggression to your dad's GP, as it's a concern ... what if he inadvertently harms you or himself .. some meds may help him settle
    and if this is a sudden change, is there a chance of getting a urine sample to check for a UTI
  3. Gordon’s Girl

    Gordon’s Girl New member

    Jun 18, 2019
    I’m no expert, and don’t live with my Dad, but support my Mum who does. We had a similar issue today. She called in tears to ask me to ask him to take his trousers off, as he was refusing to, making her more upset. He couldn’t understand that it was me on the phone, so I Face Timed them, and he realised straightaway who I am when he saw me. As I hadn’t had the frustration, I was able to calmly talk him through removing his trousers and getting into a clean pair. So, is there someone he knows that you can reach electronically or in person, to try to persuade him? It’s so hard for you as it’s very frustrating. Reach out to someone; they will help - I bet they’ve offered and here’s your chance. Xx
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello @Gordon’s Girl
    and welcome to DTP
    your mum is fortunate to have you supporting her

    maybe, though, she too needs a bit more daily support ... has there been an assessment of your dad's care needs by their Local Authority Adult Services, they might help suggest a care package to take some of the strain from your mum
  5. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Hi @jos112 i used to have the exact same problem with my dad. Sometimes I found that if I left and came back an hour or two later he would be more co-operative but in the end the only solution was to get carers in to change him 3 times a day.

    Sorry. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear but dad just wouldn’t change for me frequently enough and, like you, I was worried about him getting sore.
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    maybe @jos112 your dad is no longer grasping what he needs to do to help you with his care and talking him through step by step and slowly may help ... at times, I even acted out for my dad what I wanted him to do .. I also would back off at the first sign of resistance and let him be for a while, trying again later as though I had not mentioned it before, even trying in a different room so he wasn't associating a room with negative feelings .. I did find that sometimes he preferred to be in his bedroom, maybe because it felt more comfortable than the bathroom, with carpet under his feet, so I took a bowl of warm water, flannels, towels etc into his bedroom
    sorry if all this is obvious and what you do anyway
  7. Cobber

    Cobber Registered User

    Sep 13, 2016
    Not sure if will help but with mum i have found i cannot tell her anything, somehow i have to suggest she needs to do something snd then offer to help, she has to be in charge, this might take a few goes, ie offer reject, leave for awhile offer, reject so on until we get their, megga frustrating time consuming and ohhh so draining,
  8. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    Hi @jos112 I'm sorry to hear you're having this issue with changing your dad but I have to agree with the sentiment that it's not an uncommon situation, my dad's the same!.

    However it may frustrate you, sometimes it is best not to aggravate the situation and to leave him to it. What we do is similar to what Shedrech says above - we either try him again in a few minutes later by telling him like it's a usual chore (not asking) or with my dad he eventually feels the uncomfortableness of the pad and is more docile.
    We also use a bowl of warm water, flannels, creams etc or if the need is more pressing (my dad sometimes chooses that moment to realise he now wants to go toilet.....!) wet wipes and creams. ;)

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