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Against his wishes

Prudencecat

Registered User
Dec 21, 2018
27
My mum went in to a care home 3 weeks ago. We told her she was going in to a special hospital. It had got to the point where she was no longer safe when left alone for even short periods , didn't know where she was and some of the time didn't know who her family were. It go to the point where we all agreed it was the best decision for her. The lady in the room opposite to her actually went to school with her so she has a friend. She seems to be eating well and is more mobile than she was. Still getting infections and had a fall last week so she looks like a bashed granny. It is going better than I expected and still early days.
 

Flutterby17

Registered User
Apr 23, 2017
20
So my sister and I went and had the conversation with dad. He was angry and frightened and is insisting he is staying where he is. I almost feel relieved that it's out in the open. I'm hoping he'll forgive me eventually but I don't know how much he can understand anymore. All I can do now is find him the best possible new home. Thanks everyone xx
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,147
As you say, your dad probably has limited understanding, and he may not remember what you've said. You will never get him to agree so there is no point introducing it from that point of view (even if he did agree one day, he'd forget the next). When you talk to him next time think about ways to make it as easy as possible for both of you. It may help if you say you're arranging for him to stay somewhere for a while so he can get better/ build up his strength/ improve his mobility.

But better still, don't mention it again until the day he leaves. When I moved my mother to a care home last year I did not tell her anything in advance. If I'd told her she was going to a care home and would never return to her flat she would have been very distressed, and would probably have refused to go. So I told her on the day she was going for a weekend break.

Good luck with finding a care home, let us know how you get on.
 

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
665
New South Wales Australia
One of our local care homes has introduced a day care respite program. I have booked my husband in for a first half day and plan to just leave him a few hours - I am hoping that he won’t mind it - but although he is very feeble, he sees these others as ‘Old people’ - he is 88.
But I’m so hoping it works out and that I can have a night off - I’ve only had 3 in almost 2 years and I feeling desperate. Anyway crossing fingers.
 

Dosey

Registered User
Nov 27, 2017
96
My heart goes out to everyone commenting. I know how devastating this disease is and what it can do. My problem is not that it's one of my parents. It's my husband! Do wives put their husbands in care homes? As his wife should I just keep going and hope he doesn't wander or lose his temper and lash out, or insist on going somewhere he doesn't need to go? Should I just stop hoping for a full night's sleep? I feel awful. I should be able to take care of him...but I'm falling into depression I think.
Hi KatieR
I have looked after my OH for 7 years with this terrible cruel disease. I have went through all the same emotions. OH went into residential care home on Tuesday. I haven't stopped crying since. My head knows it's for the best, but my heart doesn't. He is settling in well all be it has only been 3 days. Now having his pjs on ( slept in his clothes for last 6 months). Wasn't doing a poo for over a week last one with me was Sunday after holding it for 15 days despite giving him medication, he's been twice since admission. Also had a bath Wednesday, shower yesterday another thing he was refusing. Slept all night Wednesday was up and down all night at home etc etc.
I have not to visit for a week, hopefully 2 of my 4 sons can go today, after I have updated from CH manager. It's been really difficult and not seeing him is hard, but it had to be done for OH wellbeing and my own health. Worse thing is he was diagnosed at 55 is 62 next Thursday.
All professionals involved have been advocating CH for the last 2 years but I kept saying not yet.
This is not an easy decision to make for anyone.
Hopefully you can get support in making the right decision for both of you.
Sending you hugs, keep posting on here the support is great.
Rose x
 
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Dosey

Registered User
Nov 27, 2017
96
My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago. He's been living on his own for 18 months since my mum died and his deterioration is becoming more rapid. He is struggling with speech, his mobility is terrible (not just due to Alzheimers) and he is self neglecting. He has been self funding a care package for the last year but is now being assessed by social services. He won't let carers help him with personal cares and today the social worker noted that he looks unkempt and smells of faeces.
His current care package is too expensive for social services to fund so we either have to pay half, find a cheaper company that will be funded or consider residential care. I'm now ready to consider residential for his safety, his dignity and his comfort. He is very angry at the thought and almost walked out of the room today. He will not go willingly. Social worker feels his capacity is fluctuating and we may have to make the decision for him. Since I have power of attorney, it lies with me. It's going to be a long weekend. She's phoning back for a decision on Monday :-(
Hi flutterby 17
I would do what's best for your fathers wellbeing. Social Services do not take these decisions lightly, so if they are offering residential care, then I would imagine the time is right. Hopefully your father will settle once there. I had to place OH in residential care on Tuesday, he was not aware what was happening Alzheimer's for 7 years late stages now. I haven't stopped crying, he appears to be settling in. He's is only 62 next Thursday and am 62 next December. Feel our life together has been cut to short. Hopefully when I visit next week (advised to stay away) I will begin to feel better. Lucky I have the support of my 4 sons and their wife's. OH will have a visitor every day between us all so we are not abandoning him
Good luck with your decision, remember it's for the best, there is only so much one carer can do, and living alone at home is dangerous and lonely.
Rose x
 

Lady M

Registered User
Sep 15, 2018
292
Essex
Hi KatieR
I have looked after my OH for 7 years with this terrible cruel disease. I have went through all the same emotions. OH went into residential care home on Tuesday. I haven't stopped crying since. My head knows it's for the best, but my heart doesn't. He is settling in well all be it has only been 3 days. Now having his pjs on ( slept in his clothes for last 6 months). Wasn't doing a poo for over a week last one with me was Sunday after holding it for 15 days despite giving him medication, he's been twice since admission. Also had a bath Wednesday, shower yesterday another thing he was refusing. Slept all night Wednesday was up and down all night at home etc etc.
I have not to visit for a week, hopefully 2 of my 4 sons can go today, after I have updated from CH manager. It's been really difficult and not seeing him is hard, but it had to be done for OH wellbeing and my own health. Worse thing is he was diagnosed at 55 is 62 next Thursday.
All professionals involved have been advocating CH for the last 2 years but I kept saying not yet.
This is not an easy decision to make for anyone.
Hopefully you can get support in making the right decision for both of you.
Sending you hugs, keep posting on here the support is great.
Rose x
Oh my heart goes out to you!
You have been strong for over the last two years.......where do we get the strength, who knows
Be strong for him now!!!!
You are a brave and strong lady!
I trust and pray I can be the same.......I am trying.......
Thinking of you and sending positive gibes!!!xx
 

Dosey

Registered User
Nov 27, 2017
96
Thanks
Oh my heart goes out to you!
You have been strong for over the last two years.......where do we get the strength, who knows
Be strong for him now!!!!
You are a brave and strong lady!
I trust and pray I can be the same.......I am trying.......
Thinking of you and sending positive gibes!!!xx
Thanks Lady M
Taking each day as it comes. It is a terrible disease. We are all on the same journey. Great support on here. Can post and read others experiences when you feel alone and need to talk.
Take care
Rose x
 

KatieR

Registered User
Mar 13, 2019
32
Hi KatieR
I have looked after my OH for 7 years with this terrible cruel disease. I have went through all the same emotions. OH went into residential care home on Tuesday. I haven't stopped crying since. My head knows it's for the best, but my heart doesn't. He is settling in well all be it has only been 3 days. Now having his pjs on ( slept in his clothes for last 6 months). Wasn't doing a poo for over a week last one with me was Sunday after holding it for 15 days despite giving him medication, he's been twice since admission. Also had a bath Wednesday, shower yesterday another thing he was refusing. Slept all night Wednesday was up and down all night at home etc etc.
I have not to visit for a week, hopefully 2 of my 4 sons can go today, after I have updated from CH manager. It's been really difficult and not seeing him is hard, but it had to be done for OH wellbeing and my own health. Worse thing is he was diagnosed at 55 is 62 next Thursday.
All professionals involved have been advocating CH for the last 2 years but I kept saying not yet.
This is not an easy decision to make for anyone.
Hopefully you can get support in making the right decision for both of you.
Sending you hugs, keep posting on here the support is great.
Rose x
Oh thank you, Rose - sorry for not replying sooner, but I just saw your post now. Yes, I know what you mean about crying. My husband is in a memory care centre - they're assessing him to see if he can come home or not. Half of me wants it, half (perhaps more - no, definitely more) doesn't. But it's like grieving - I see his things here and I start crying. I know I won't have my old husband back. I know he's disappearing and it's killing me. :-( Good luck!! xxx