1. Flutterby17

    Flutterby17 Registered User

    Apr 23, 2017
    19
    My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago. He's been living on his own for 18 months since my mum died and his deterioration is becoming more rapid. He is struggling with speech, his mobility is terrible (not just due to Alzheimers) and he is self neglecting. He has been self funding a care package for the last year but is now being assessed by social services. He won't let carers help him with personal cares and today the social worker noted that he looks unkempt and smells of faeces.
    His current care package is too expensive for social services to fund so we either have to pay half, find a cheaper company that will be funded or consider residential care. I'm now ready to consider residential for his safety, his dignity and his comfort. He is very angry at the thought and almost walked out of the room today. He will not go willingly. Social worker feels his capacity is fluctuating and we may have to make the decision for him. Since I have power of attorney, it lies with me. It's going to be a long weekend. She's phoning back for a decision on Monday :-(
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,229
    Female
    South coast
    Making that decision is very difficult @Flutterby17 and I really feel for you.

    I can only say that my mum fought against a care home tooth and nail. She tried to make me promise that I would never "put her in a home", but I did not make that promise and instead promised her that I would do my very best to do the very best for her.
    She had to move into a care home eventually and it was the very best thing for her. She settled and, much to my amazement, thrived. She made friends there, put some weight back on again and was content. It was not without its problems, but I knew that she was safe, warm, looked after, kept clean and was much happier. I felt I had kept my promise.

    It may work out better for your dad than you fear.
     
  3. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    972
    My mother-in-law always refused point blank to go into a care home she had been living on her own for 3 years with dementia with the support of carers coming in . My husband was not prepared to deceive her to try and get her into a care home so we took the decision to wait until a crisis happened and there was no alternative. She had reached the stage where her mobility was poor she didn't recognise family members ,eating was poor and she was hallucinating. She fell ill during the heatwave last summer and was admitted to hospital . We then took the decision at that point that she was not going to go home . She was self-funding so it made it easier for us to sort out a care home. It was the best decision we made . She was safe had 24-hour supervision and it freed us up from the pressures of trying to look after her in her own home.
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,493
    Female
    I agree with Canary. I had to move my mother to a care home a year ago. She had always said she wanted to stay at home but it got to the point where she needed supervision 24/7.

    It is the decision no one wants to make - I know I didn't - but I knew it was the best thing for her. I thought when she got there she would probably be okay with it, but if not she would at least be well cared for and safe. Within two months she told me how much she loved it there, and she is thriving. She has constant help available when she needs it, she is always clean, dressed in her own clothes, well fed and hydrated - and she's content. A good care home can be a really good option, rather than a miserable last resort.
     
  5. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,141
    A difficult decision, with only one answer.
    Know that been there...I put off that decision...Father eventually settled, and really enjoyed his last years.

    Bod
     
  6. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    1,082
    Female
    Dorset
    The Banjoman is still refusing personal care now he is in a residential home, the staff can only keep going back to him and hope he will let them help him. When I commented about him not having had a shave last week he blames them, saying “they said they would come back but they haven’t”. I know he just keeps refusing care! At least I know he isn’t wandering outside without shoes on and people are keeping an eye on him.
     
  7. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,416
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    It is difficult and I feel for you, but, as I have often read here on TP, we should make decisions not on the basis of what our PWD wants, but what they need.
     
  8. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    My heart goes out to everyone commenting. I know how devastating this disease is and what it can do. My problem is not that it's one of my parents. It's my husband! Do wives put their husbands in care homes? As his wife should I just keep going and hope he doesn't wander or lose his temper and lash out, or insist on going somewhere he doesn't need to go? Should I just stop hoping for a full night's sleep? I feel awful. I should be able to take care of him...but I'm falling into depression I think.
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,337
    Kent
    They do @KatieR if their own health is being affected or they are unable to meet their husband`s needs.

    Perhaps the term `putting` into a care home helps it to sound distasteful. A decision made to accept help by a team of carers to share the caring is much more acceptable.

    This is what I found.

    When my husband went into residential care, it enabled me to have far more quality time with him while others managed his challenging behaviours, his lack of mobility, his mood swings and our disturbed nights.

    Your priority would be to find the best care home available which will allow you to have some peace of mind and some rest.
     
  10. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,416
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    No, you shouldn't , in my opinion, at least.
    Marriage means love, support, empathy, complicity, dedication but not martyrdom.
     
  11. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    Oh, Grannie G, your advice is, as always, perfect. Yes,I used the wrong words, didn't I? My husband's currently in a memory care centre where they're trying to put him back on his feet to send him home. I'm dreading it (isn't that an awful thing to say? I know it is). I do go every day to the place he's in at the moment (for how long?). It's a 45 minute journey there and back, but I get there for lunch and go after he's had his tea. His son thinks I should stay longer.
     
  12. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    Yes, Margherita, I totally agree. It's so sad, though, isn't it?
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,229
    Female
    South coast
    Hello @KatieR and welcome.
    My OH is not in a care home, but I know that eventually the time may come. Most people find that eventually the disease becomes too much for one person, however loving. Society gives us the impression that a care home is failure - it is not. It can be the best thing for the person with dementia to have their care shared.

    You might find this thread written by one of our members whose husband moved into a care home, reassuring.
    https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/please-dont-throw-me-away-breaking-my-promise.108788/
     
  14. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,416
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Yes, it is.
    It is often so hard to make decisions when our hearts and our minds disagree.
     
  15. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,229
    Female
    South coast
    Take no notice what other people say. Do what is right for you
     
  16. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    Thank you Canary - what a fabulous, uplifting thread!
     
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,337
    Kent
    How long does his son stay @KatieR
     
  18. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    About an hour.
     
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,229
    Female
    South coast
    Well, that says it all really, doesnt it? :rolleyes:
     
  20. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    *nods* - thank you, Canary, for helping me put this mess in perspective. x
     

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