1. CWR

    CWR Registered User

    Mar 17, 2019
    82
    My mother passed away peacefully a week ago on Saturday. I was there at the end,
    and loved the time I spent keeping vigil, holding her hand, combing her hair and telling her I loved her, I also asked her to forgive me for the times I had been impatient with her. She was always loving, right to the end. She used to say: "I couldnt love you any more.." Everyone says what splendid care I gave her, but what I remember is my
    being impatient with her. The times I told her off for things that she couldnt help doing. Eg, at one time she started banging her stick against our door , luckily not hitting the glass. I temporarily hid the stick for a while ( she was, up to the final illness, able to get around without it). She would say she was going to cry .Sometimes
    she would say: Do you hate me? I never did, but I got frustrated at the unpredictability
    of this bloody illness. Someone said to me it was like when a child is told off and says I hate you! I know this mentally but emotionally I feel fragile at times, and my mind goes back to these incidents.
    2 days before she passed, while I was at her bedside, she took my hand and kissed it, as she would do at home.She was always an affectionate woman, sweet to the end. Talking about these memories, a neighbour said my mother probably would say there was nothing to forgive, but this is what I keep returning to in my thoughts.I know people will say I did well, but sometimes its hard to forgive yourself.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,143
    Kent
    That`s all you need to think about @CWR We all made mistakes because we are human, we were tired, it was a very difficult illness to see through.

    You were there at the beginning and you were there at the end. There might have been a few blips in the middle but your mother knew who you were and how you cared.

    Please accept my condolences and grieve in peace.
     
  3. Moggymad

    Moggymad Registered User

    May 12, 2017
    452
    Female
    I think what you are feeling is part of the grieving process. My mum died 9th Nov. I told her I tried to do my best. I wasn't perfect, no one is. In time you will accept that you did your best too. Given the same circumstances over again without hindsight we would probably do or say the same things again. The good far outweighs the bad although bad is not the right word. Nothing was done or said that could be classed as bad, just the frustrations of loving & caring for someone with dementia. You can forgive yourself but like your wise neighbour has said there is nothing to forgive. I hope soon your main thoughts will be ones of comfort in knowing how much your mum loved you & how precious that she could tell you so.
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,193
    Toronto, Canada
    All who have lost a loved one to this horrible disease feel the we could have, should have been better. Not so. We are human and sometimes grow impatient, frustrated or angry. No one is perfect or a saint.

    I agree with @Grannie G, you were there at the beginning, at the end and all the way through. It sounds like your mother's passing was very peaceful, which is a wonderful thing.

    My condolences to you and your family.
     
  5. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    3,707
    south-east London
    First and foremost, my sincere condolences on your loss @CWR.

    I doubt that there is a single carer who has seen this disease through from its start to conclusion who doesn't think that there were times when things could have been done differently.

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing, so is having time to sit and think without pressure on us to find an answer - but we sure as heck don't have those luxuries when we are in the throes of caring, adapting to ever-changing situations on a daily basis and trying to think logically through lack of sleep.

    The best we can say is that we did our best under the circumstances at the time. The truth is that we would all like to have a perfect record of having done everything right and even if we got it right 99% of the time, it will be that 1% that nags at us.

    It is hard, I know, but instead of giving power to the measly 1%, think of the greater picture, the times when you got it right.

    People say you gave splendid care because you did. They saw the greater picture - the son who was there for his mum throughout the good and bad times, doing his utmost to make things work.

    I am glad you were able to share those tender moments and words at her bedside. Deep within I think you know she would be saying there is nothing to forgive but instead, she would be thanking you for all that you did for her.
     
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Volunteer Host

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,648
    Nottinghamshire
    My condolences to you @CWR

    You have nothing to be sorry about. You were there for your mum all the way through. And you loved each other as best you could.
     
  7. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,154
    Female
    Dundee
    Sending my condolences @CWR. You have nothing to forgive yourself for. Wishing you strength for the days and weeks to come.
     
  8. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,501
    Yorkshire
    Sorry to hear your news, CWR. You made your peace with your mother before the end - she was a loving forgiving person - and you should forgive yourself for any lapses of judgement and temper.

    I sometimes made the same kind of mistakes with my mother. The truth is, I didn't realise what dementia was until some way down the road and thought at first that Mum was making the accusations/ being unpleasant on purpose.

    I did my best for my Mum overall though, and so did you. Your grief is very new and it's human to feel guilty, but please think now about the precious moments you spent together and hopefully you will not let your unease at your all-too-human reactions spoil your memories of a wonderful mother.

    May she rest in peace.
     

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