1. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Mum died August 14 and we will be having the funeral/memorial service this coming Saturday.

    I think I'm still in a state of disbelief. I know Mum died, I was with her but I haven't really cried. I've had a few little weeps, no more than a minute or two. I am giving the eulogy so I hope I keep this eerie calm until after the funeral. We will then be going away on Sep 9, to the UK in fact, and I hope this will help reset me.

    I feel okay, at least I think I do. I have been having a few odd dreams and my sleep is very disturbed but otherwise I'm just calm. I don't understand this.

    Mum died on a Sunday and I went back to work on the Wednesday. I wasn't expected back but otherwise I would have been staring at my four walls. I've been busy with all the practicalities and legalities of the funeral, being the executor, setting things up and so on. A state of busyness feels good right now.

    I'll be honest - my calm is making me nervous. I know underneath I'm not so calm, as I'm very forgetful. Still, I'm muddling through. I think.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I can kind of relate to your calm Joanne. I would have thought that I would have been hysterical but I wasn't. I somehow got through the eulogy and always thought I would not be able to do that when the time came.

    The practicalities do seem to keep you going through all of it I think.

    I think you'll cry when the time is right for you.

    Big hugs. xx
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    It will probably hit you when you least expect it Joanne. With everything that comes before the funeral and on the actual day you just seem to be carried along by it, nothing seems real. it will be good for you to get away afterwards and with lots of sightseeing to do it will be the distraction you need for a short while.

    Nothing goes away though.

    Will be thinking of you on Saturday and I am sure you will be fine.
  4. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    There's no right or wrong way to feel or act, and if you're a practical person by nature then you'll just get on with things.

    When my dad died I wasn't in hysterics either, but I think I did try too much to carry on as normal - I didn't take more than a couple of days off work and thought I was fine. I wasn't, and eventually it did catch up with me.

    I often say to people to be kind to themselves when they have been bereaved, and by that I mean don't try and be superman/woman but do things for yourself and in your own time.

    I think that after someone dies you need time to process the whole dementia thing as well as the death.
  5. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Izzy, Jean & Sue have said everything I'd say so I just want to send you a hug Joanne.
  6. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    south-east London
    The grieving process is a strange old thing isn't it? It varies for each of us but I think, in my case at least, it is the practicalities that keep things at bay most of the time.

    I remember when my father died (25 years ago today as it happens). His death was sudden, one minute he and my mother were packing to go on holiday the next day- and the next minute he was gone for good. I had just had our second child four weeks beforehand and a 2 year old to take care of. However, my mother and brother crumbled and it just worked out that I took control of most of the red tape that needed to be gone through. It wasn't until 6 months down the line that it all hit me.

    When my mother died in November 2011 we were given 6 weeks warning that her life was at an end. Quite a shock as she hadn't been ill in over 40 years until that moment. Again practicalities took over - making sure those 6 wks were the best they could be, juggling the early signs of my husband's soon to be diagnosed dementia, sorting out the funeral, bringing her estate to probate and executing the will, clearing out the family home of some 40years worth of mum and dad's belongings and finally selling the house.

    I had some tears along the way but again, it was only once I had closed the front door of the family home some 8mths after my mother's death and there was nothing more to do, that things hit me.

    Your time will come and when it does don't fight it, even if it is six months after everyone else has gone through their own grieving. It will happen in its own time and you will go through it in your own time xx
  7. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Hi Joanne, I think you'll be fine. You have the funeral, then your holiday. Lots of things to do. I think it will be after that, maybe sometime after that, that you will get a reaction.
    Just my thought, feel free to ignore!
    Hope everything goes well on Sat.
  8. Ameliasmama

    Ameliasmama Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    I'm so sorry for your loss Joanne.

    Grief is a strange thing. When my Dad died between Christmas and New Year everyone around me fell to pieces. It was left to me to deal with the practicalities, speaking to the coroner, arranging his funeral. Because of the timing of his death and the amount of time it took for the post mortem to be done due to the New Year holidays it was 3 weeks exactly after his death that we held his funeral. Throughout those 3 weeks and the funeral itself I cried once, and that was the night he died. I was just completely numb. Even seeing him laid in the chapel of rest I was on autopilot. I knew the body in front of me sort of looked like my Dad but it wasn't him neither if that makes any sense. I couldn't find any emotion towards him even though it was the last time I ever saw him and I still beat myself up for that now. But driving home alone after his funeral it all hit me, to the point I couldn't drive anymore and pulled over where I sat and sobbed for almost 2 hours.

    I guess what I'm saying is take care of yourself, grief hits us all in many different ways. 8 months later there's still some days I struggle, yet those who fell apart in those first few days now seem to be relatively ok. Sending you lots of love and strength xx
  9. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Hi Joanne....I was like you...calm, rational....in control. After Mum's funeral, funnily enough, this state remained. Yes I've shed the odd tear (well OK I get soggy at the weirdest of things!), definitely had some strange dreams, but then I blame them on my tablets...(and playing Candy Crush on my ipad too late at bedtime:rolleyes:). I think it's entirely because I had been with Mum all the way through her illness and had grieved her loss the whole way through. So much so, that her death was a final relief for her suffering.
    My sadness, 18 months on, is mainly reflecting in the fact that Mum isn't here to see her great-grandchildren growing and becoming wonderful strong people.....and I can't share my shopping bargans with her anymore!!

    You have had a long wait for you chance to say Goodbye at her funeral. But it's only goodbye to her body, her spirit will stay with you forever.

    Love Maureen.x.x
  10. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    My condolences to you and I hope the funeral service goes as well as it can.

    I found with mum I didn't really grieve for months, it was only when I let myself have time to work through my feelings that any real grief came up. I just carried on as before and didn't think I felt anything much. When I went for CBT for another issue then it came out that I hadn't processed my feelings. From your other responses this sounds quite common - don't worry about it. Keep busy if that's what helps you. Give yourself time when and if you need to, whenever that is.
  11. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Thinking about you Joanne and will be especially tomorrow.

    I was calm when David died and for several months the legalities and stuff kept me focused. Then I have been generally ok but still have bad times even 4+ years later. Its worse when something goes awry in life I miss that closeness of sharing with someone dear to me.

    Your Mum would be very proud of you so keep that in the forefront of your mind.
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I do hope tomorrow goes as well as it can.
    Im another one who was calm after my dads death. I sorted out registering his death, taking mum to the bank and organising the funeral - in fact, I was the one comforting other members of the family. But I wasnt actually calm - I was numb. It all felt so unreal that I half expected some film producer jumping out and going "cut, cut! Can we please do that again - with a little more emotion!"..........

    It all hit me several months later, so dont worry about it all - just accept how you feel at the time. You will grieve in your own way, in your own time.
  13. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    I've just seen this thread, Joanne, I'm so very sorry. Please accept my condolences. Like everyone else, I don't believe there is a 'right' way to feel, or a time frame for the grieving process. Wishing you peace and strength for the coming days and weeks. xx
  14. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    We'll all be thinking about you tomorrow

    Best wishes
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I hope all goes as well as you want it to Joanne. You have done your mother proud. xx
  16. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Joanne. x

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  17. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Thinking of you tomorrow Joanne. I hope it brings you comfort.
  18. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    My sister and BIL drove up from Québec today. They left at 5:30 am and picked me up at the office at 12:30 pm. So not too bad. We had to go to one lawyer to pick up Mum's will and then to my lawyer to get the whole process going. Then we had to go to the bank to get the process of closing Mum's account. Mirabile dictu! We were dealing with a middle-aged woman so she is processing everything, closing out Mum's account and putting the total into a bank draft. the bank draft should be ready tomorrow morning. Middle-aged women rock!

    Tonight it's a quiet evening at home. I have booklets to fold and ironing to do. Tomorrow morning I have a hair appointment and then we're going to the chapel. This time tomorrow things will be more or less over. I just want things to be done.
  19. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Will be thinking of you Joanne. I am sure this time tomorrow you will be reflecting on the day and know you got it right.

    Much love.
  20. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Wishing you all strength today Joanne. x

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