Aftercare for widows/widowers

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by overwhelmed1, Dec 25, 2015.

  1. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    My father died Christmas Eve. I'm worried about my mum who had been married 50 years and is deep in shock. She has also been his carer for the past few years and so is shell shocked by the whole horrific journey.

    Does anyone from the hospital come and see if she is OK at any point?

    I am with her obviously every day all day but I am just wondering if there is any consideration of the impact the death of an alzheimers patient has on their husband/wife.
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    #2 2jays, Dec 25, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2015
    I hear your pain. It is shouting loud.

    Such a hideous situation you all are in, made worse because if the time of year.

    Brutally speaking, I'm thinking the answer to your cry for help is no

    No extra support for those left is given from hospital, anywhere, once some one dies.

    Doesn't matter what the cause of death is. There is no ongoing support once a loved one has died. We just have to get on with it and seek support elsewhere.

    My thoughts. You are trying to make things ok.... Better..... Easier to deal with.....

    You can't. Nothing you do will change the worst, most painful, awful situation you are in now. Only time will make it less painful, less awful. You just need to mourn, to cry, to feel that awful emptiness, to not try to avoid the realities of what has happened to your family.

    Nothing. Nothing anyone does will change what's happened

    Let go. Let go and mourn. You don't have to keep sorting things for others. You have to allow yourself to look after you right now. You've just lost your dad. I know how painful it is to loose your daddy.

    Tomorrow. Tomorrow things will be different, No less painful, but tomorrow, when ever that tomorrow is, you then will be stronger to support others that need support. Until then, support yourself by allowing yourself to let go of the responsibility of others

    Wrapping my arms round you so tightly in a hug xxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    There are organisations like Cruse who will offer help to your Mum
    If you google your area and bereavement and see if there is anything else local to you too
    Thinking of you all xxx
  4. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Thank you for your kind replies, it helps so much to know others understand xx
  5. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013

    Thank you x People say that you lose the person when they have Alzheimers. I don't believe that. I never lost my dad. I just saw him become very, very ill. He was still the same father. He never once asked who I was. He knew me. Even if he didn't, he would still be my dad; just very ill. That's why his dying has made me feel I have now lost him.
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    When my husband died I received a letter from his GP offering counselling if I needed it. I didn't take it up but it might help your mother . Perhaps you could enquirer for her
  7. Blackcat20

    Blackcat20 Registered User

    Dec 4, 2012
    I am so sorry for your loss. It might be worth checking whether the hospital has a Bereavement Services department who could offer assistance, as when my Mum with Alzheimer's died in hospital in June 2014, I was given some very helpful support by the one in our local NHS hospital.

    I didn't have to ask for this, as it was automatically offered when I went to register her death at the hospital and collect her things. The Bereavement Services people have a special suite of rooms, and a little garden, and they sit down with you after you have registered the death, offer a listening ear and go through a little booklet about various types of help after someone dies (from their Chaplain, Cruse, other local organisations). They also ask whether you have any medical questions which are troubling you, and arrange for a member of hospital staff to get back to you. In my case, I realised that I needed to know why Mum had died so suddenly, and they got her consultant to ring me to explain, which helped me to make sense of things at a time when I was in deep distress.

    If your hospital doesn't offer this service, I would try your Mum's GP - when my Dad died a few years ago in a different hospital which did not offer any support, Mum's GP did a home visit and then a nurse from the practice checked in on her a few times afterwards.
  8. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    I realise I'm extraordinarily fortunate in our GP practise. After William died, my GP had a chat with me then at the end of November she called me in for a consultation - she said she wanted to be sure I was ok and not slipping into depression or anything, with Christmas approaching, and wanted to see if I wanted/needed bereavement Counselling - but she felt I didn't. I thought it was great though that she had scheduled it to call me in, because had I been sliding into depression, I probably wouldn't have gone to see her.

    Sometimes, the sort of apathy and numbness of grief that is normal can turn to depression and that same apathy, a normal part of grieving, means that seeking help is beyond you. A more pro-active approach to chasing up the bereaved and offering counselling might be a good thing. Unfortunately, I can't see it happening.
  9. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Thank you for the information and advice. I am with my mum all the time. We will go through this together, as we always have gone through everything together. I promised my dad I would make sure she is ok always x
  10. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    My GP came to my husband's funeral but I heard no more from anybody. He died in a nursing home though not in hospital.
    Some months later when I broke down in tears in front of a GP registrar, due an totally unconnected issue, she gave me the number for Cruise but I didn't use it.
    To be honest, I think the support I've found here in TP has been a sort of counselling in itself. I honestly don't know how I would have coped and would still be, coping without it.x
  11. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    Surrey, UK
    So sorry for your loss, Overwhelmed. I cannot offer any words of advice apart from those that others have written here. But I can say that time is a great healer...I know it's a cliche, but I found that to be true. I hope this brings you a small crumb of comfort in the days and weeks ahead. Take care. xx
  12. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    We were told to get to hospital immediately at 12.30 in the night. My father had died. After being given a coffee and allowed to see him, my mum was given a bag of his belongings and we went back home. Since then, he is still at the hospital because the hospital didn't do a release note as it was xmas eve and the coroner may need to see him. So we hope things will get going again tomorrow but who really knows? Apparently the crematorium is half closed.

  13. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    So sorry for your loss. Talking, crying and laughing all help a little. Other people telling you hiw much they cared. Time. Only time to grieve mskes a difference. I l9st my dad 20 years ago and can still cry. I feel for you so much. Just take it a day at a time. Love quilty
  14. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Thank you xxx

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