After the storm

[Agzy]

I though long and hard about what Title to type in but yesterday was a storm! A storm of despair, anger and eventually meltdown - mine. Her eldest son arrived (he is 60) along with his wife and Pauline was just a shell and didn't know them so the wife started interrogating P to try and force her to recognise her husband and after I called a halt she asked for a pack of cards and proceeded to play Solitaire for the next hour just oblivious to all. The eldest son still maintains that Alzheimer’s is not proven as the tests arn’t 100% and he was keeping an open mind. Mum continued to look for her late son through the window. Later number 1 son came back with number 3 son and again gave me te third degree about when ABs were given and by whom plus when they were increased and were incensed that the GP had suggested that P go into respite for my sake. Seemingly all they wanted to do and talk about was who to blame in the surgery and whether her general overstocking of meds was my fault so I blew. And I mean I lost it to such an extent they walked out shouting and P was crying for all to be quiet, not good and I handled it so badly. Number 3 son visited with his wife in the evening and couldn't have been nicer although I didnt tell of earlier bust up. Now I await repercussions.

 

[Grannie G]

You didn`t handle it badly @Agzy. Pauline`s sons simply added to your distress with no thought fot your welfare whatsoever.

If you are considering residential care for Pauline, perhaps the time has come.

If Pauline was in residential care her sons could visit her and you could have your own private visits withut having contact with them.

It would ease the stress for both of you.

 

[karaokePete]

I agree entirely with @Grannie G.

My wife has 4 children by a previous marriage and, with the exception of a one off act by one, they don't involve themselves with their mother. When we were having a crisis last summer one of them opened his mouth to be critical. In my case he thought I should have been keeping his mother under lock and key instead of trying to keep her as independent as possible for as long as possible. I was less than kind in my response and we haven't heard a squeak since.

Sometimes it's no loss to act like this. In my case the one to whom I gave short shrift had only ever made contact in the past when he wanted money(a gambler) so as well as getting some peace we are saving money. My wife doesn't miss her children as they never bothered much in the first place, except to come with woes and a begging bowl.

The seeking relatives who have passed on is a sad one and in my wife's case it's her deceased mother. I always take this seeking as a sign of increased anxiety and reassurance has always worked thus far.

I wish both of you all the best and a bit of peace.

 

[Agzy]

I agree entirely with @Grannie G.

My wife has 4 children by a previous marriage and, with the exception of a one off act by one, they don't involve themselves with their mother. When we were having a crisis last summer one of them opened his mouth to be critical. In my case he thought I should have been keeping his mother under lock and key instead of trying to keep her as independent as possible for as long as possible. I was less than kind in my response and we haven't heard a squeak since.

Sometimes it's no loss to act like this. In my case the one to whom I gave short shrift had only ever made contact in the past when he wanted money(a gambler) so as well as getting some peace we are saving money. My wife doesn't miss her children as they never bothered much in the first place, except to come with woes and a begging bowl.

The seeking relatives who have passed on is a sad one and in my wife's case it's her deceased mother. I always take this seeking as a sign of increased anxiety and reassurance has always worked thus far.

I wish both of you all the best and a bit of peace.

Thank you, and strangely this row started from how I have always put the independence that she treasures first and ‘allowed’ (as though I owned her) her to go on buses on her own, shopping onher own and, horror of horrors, when she was well but dint want to come caravanning any longer and at her insistence, I went away on my own. Desertion one of them called it.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

And did that person offer to step in and look after P to give you a break? No.

It's high time you told these disgraceful sons how things really are. If they can't be helpful or at least supportive at this really difficult time, what use are they?

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Badly - no my lovely it was long called for.
how dare they come into your home & be so disrespectful of you & Pauline!

Repercussions- I’d let the GP know about these issues - a email is less emotive than speaking in the phone.
I’d also request another Memory assessment & state the need regarding the decline & families attitude.
then send the little !!!!!’s A copy each the ignorant arrogance needs confirmation so I’d be tempted to ram it down their throats

Respite care is now essential
For you !

sorry I get very bossy at times especially at the injustice of your situation.
Sadly yes I know how it feels not to be believed & it’s soul destroying- you are honest &true keep holding onto that
((((((Hugs)))))

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thank you, and strangely this row started from how I have always put the independence that she treasures first and ‘allowed’ (as though I owned her) her to go on buses on her own, shopping onher own and, horror of horrors, when she was well but dint want to come caravanning any longer and at her insistence, I went away on my own. Desertion one of them called it.

Happily married I call it!
says more about them & their relationships than yours!
it’s normal to have other friends & interests I don’t know of a couple who don’t!
Sorry but is the horror of independent thought to much for this ...... ( can’t print what I want to so please feel free to interpret however )
Sounds like a jealous little boy throwing his binky out of the pram as he can’t & wont share!

 

[northumbrian_k]

I am really sorry to hear all this @Agzy My wife has only one son and he is fully aware of her dementia and said, in his choice and I would say disrespectful phrase, that she is 'off her head'. But he is about as much use as P's sons in terms of actually caring about his mother to the extent that he gives her any help. We have been estranged for over 2 years now since he came here shouting and trying to bully me. I would say that casting him off is the best thing that has happened since my wife's dementia began. Now that she is in full time residential care he can visit her whenever he wants without me having to deal with him at all. The care home staff know the situation and alert me to his rare visits. They also know that any and all directions about my wife's care come from me. You deserve some peace from this bothersome trio as they clearly can't see that their behaviour is only adding to the stress that you face on a daily basis. As for the card playing, that reminds me of my wife's sister who 'came to see' her and spent all of her time reading a newspaper. I haven't heard from her since she rang to complain that my wife did not have a winter coat and got a sharp retort in response. Families!

 

[Agzy]

Thank you all for the positivity and wise words. Just to say I must have been in a bad way when Ps doctor came to see her as he has just phoned me and said he has arranged for social ‘rapid response’ team to call on me this afternoon. No idea what the are other than he name, nor indeed what they offer but at this moment all help (such as you great TP users, is very welcome.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thank you all for the positivity and wise words. Just to say I must have been in a bad way when Ps doctor came to see her as he has just phoned me and said he has arranged for social ‘rapid response’ team to call on me this afternoon. No idea what the are other than he name, nor indeed what they offer but at this moment all help (such as you great TP users, is very welcome.

I am hoping that help is on the way in some form or other.
Pleased P’s GP has their head screwed on when others don’t!

 

[Olliebeak]

So glad you are getting help - I cannot believe how her sons are behaving. They are clearly in denial about her condition and refusing to accept it so blaming everybody. Hopefully they will wake up and smell the coffee. I agree with the very wise Grannie G. If residential care is what you want and need for P because her family are not supporting you it would mean you don’t have to be the fall guy anymore. Take care of you x

 

[Izzy]

I can’t anything to what has already been said by others @Agzy. I agree that you did not deal with things badly. Things have come to a head and perhaps that’s what is needed. I do hope something positive comes from the rapid response team’s visit.

 

[White Rose]

So sorry @Agzy that you're having to go through this, it would be quite unbelievable that P's sons treat you like this but sadly I think many of us have had similar problems especially when it concerns the children of our spouses/partners. I have support from one of my partner's 4 children. The other 3 well no point in even going there. I've let them get to me, I've had sleepless nights because of them, like you I've got angry with them and blamed myself for handling it badly and losing my temper. But no more! They don't visit or even phone and I don't even bother to try and get them to anymore. I'm putting my partner in respite week after next, I've told the supportive son but not the others, they never ask about him so why waste my time telling them. I have carers for him and take him to day care, otherwise I deal with it all by myself. So I hope you can reach that place with P's sons as it seems like you aren't going to get any help from them. Just do what you need to do to get help for yourself. Don't blame yourself for anything, none of them could do what you do, they probably wouldn't last a day. You really do need some respite, hope you can get some.

 

[Vitesse]

Like all the other replies, I hope you get some respite and that the rapid response team can help. Sometimes, just the moral support helps, but perhaps they will come up with some real solutions to your situation. In our area, they are called the out of hours team, and I found them caring and concerned when I hit the rocks. As for the sons, what can one say? You would not imagine that family could act in such a way. My husband‘s son, wasn’t as bad, but we went through months of him just seeming to be totally unconcerned, and acting as if this had nothing to do with him. He lives in the Far East, which meant he couldn’t be here to help or meddle, but I was struggling, and he showed no concern at all. In the end, I gave it to him with both barrels, told him what I thought of him, and he has improved to the extent that he phones regularly and has even visited every 6 months rather than 12!!
please don’t feel bad about telling your wife’s children what you think of them. Hope fully, she will have forgotten about the row by now, and it may well have driven home to them how dreadful they are.