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After the Funeral

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Jennyc, Apr 19, 2017.

  1. Jennyc

    Jennyc Registered User

    Oct 3, 2011
    My husband's funeral finally took place yesterday, nearly four weeks after his death. It seemed such a long gap, and as the day came closer I dreaded it more and more. But in so many ways, it was actually a lovely day. We had a woodland burial, quite close to home, no religious service as he "didn't do" God, so about 40 so us, friends and family, including our two lovely grandsons of 2 and 5 who he loved dearly, gathered at his graveside in a beautiful setting with the sun shining and the birds singing. Many of us had memories to share about my husband, and had come with a few words to read out to all, and my daughters and I had brought some compost from his garden compost heap which we shared in scattering. Five year old Oliver nearly hurled himself into the grave in his enthusiasm! We all went back to our house to raise a glass in my husband's memory and to share some lunch. The sun continued to shine so we could spread out into the garden, the last guest left late afternoon, all having said what a really lovely funeral it had been, and what a fitting place to lay my husband to rest, he such a keen vegetable grower and lover of the great outdoors.

    I woke early this morning, crying, feeling so sad, but today is the start of the rest of my life, I am going out with dear friends to visit a lovely house and garden, have lunch and walk and talk. 50 years is a long time, it feels so strange without him, but the last six were so challenging with Alzheimer's, and the time since just after Christmas until his death has been the hardest ever, I hope gradually to replace these immediate memories with those of happier times. I thought I had reached the end of logging into this amazing forum but I feel a strange compulsion to keep coming back to seeing how you all doing, the forum has been such a comfort to me over these years though I've not been a great poster. I've found so much advice and love as well as practical help, so thank you all so much.
  2. irismary

    irismary Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    West Midlands
    I don't know what to say but just wish you well xx
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Keep coming back Jenny as long as you need to. I`m still here three years on and not just because I`m a moderator. Others I know are here too, long after loss.
  4. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    Jenny, what a beautiful description of your husband's woodland burial.
    I am glad to hear that you have good friends to look after you today x
  5. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Stay as long as you want Jenny. It is just 12 months for me since my husband passed away. Staying positive is the way to go.

    I had been married for just weeks off 50 years and there are days when nothing feels right but there are some wonderful days where everything feels great. Now most are good and I make the most of them, the grey days I just sit through. Works for me.

    Enjoy your day out with your friends.
  6. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Well. done...you've made it this far. Now it is a case of taking life a little bit at a time, until you can manage to look forward as well as back.... and that will come, in time.
    Look after yourself, you matter.
    Love Maureen.x.
  7. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    East Coast of Australia
    I'm glad you had a good day for laying your husband to rest surrounded by friends and family. I echo the others Jenny in telling you to stay as long as you like. I made friends here while my husband was alive so have stayed on to continue to follow their journey. I don't post a lot but like to encourage others in their journey especially those who now have the status of widow/widower. All support helps a little in your continuing journey back to wholeness.

  8. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    #8 LadyA, Apr 20, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2017
    Well done Jenny. It will be two years for me in August since my husband died. We were 21 years married. It's a hard time, learning to go on alone, but I'm glad you and your family and friends had a good day together, remembering your loved one.

    It can be difficult, letting go of the memories of the illness. It did dominate our lives for so long. I do remember the really bad times with my husband's illness at its worst. However, the awful memories of the dementia, although they are there, in that I do remember what it was like, they don't dominate. They have been put in their proper place by other memories of my husband surfacing - the dementia memories have, I suppose been put in perspective, as regards his life as a whole, if that makes sense. Whereas, while we were struggling with his illness, the dementia, particularly the more difficult aspects, loomed so very large, it blocked out everything else. I have lots of photos of him from earlier, happier times around, which helps.
  9. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    south-east London
    Jenny, that was such a lovely account of your husband's funeral. You all did him proud.

    I am glad that you will still be visiting TP, I am sure you will continue to find great support and understanding as you tackle such a difficult time in your life xx

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