My 68 year old husband is now residing in a care home, after a psychotic episode on holiday, that ended with him punching me in the face. It was the final showdown after months of disturbed nights, coping with his hallucinations and accusations about stealing his money. I have wrestled with my conscience over the past six weeks, since he was discharged from hospital, and i made the decision that I could no longer look after him at home. It matters not that it was the only sensible thing to do, I have torn myself apart, worrying that I should have done more. The staff at the care home are lovely, and they have reassured me that I have done the right thing for us both, but the guilt is, at times, overwhelming. I find it hard to visit him, because I can't find anything to talk about that doesn't remind him he's been 'thrown out' of his home. I read with interest the comments about carers experiencing PTSD, because I have only recently realised that is what it is going on: the tears, flashbacks, anxiety, tiredness and 'survivor guilt' are all there. People tell me to rebuild my life, but he is still here, and so are his clothes, books, golf clubs....I know only too well he'll never need them again, but giving them away seems like the ultimate betrayal. It's lonely out here....