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After the deluge?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Joyt, Dec 8, 2018.

  1. Joyt

    Joyt Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    28
    I recognise the terror.....That long term stress leaves scars. I don’t know of any support for carers that recognises this.
     
  2. Joyt

    Joyt Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    28
    Ahhh guilt. That’s hard.
    Somewhere, though, self preservation might kick in?
     
  3. Joyt

    Joyt Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    28
    Thanks for your words Jean x
     
  4. manor born

    manor born New member

    Jan 16, 2018
    1
    My 68 year old husband is now residing in a care home, after a psychotic episode on holiday, that ended with him punching me in the face. It was the final showdown after months of disturbed nights, coping with his hallucinations and accusations about stealing his money. I have wrestled with my conscience over the past six weeks, since he was discharged from hospital, and i made the decision that I could no longer look after him at home. It matters not that it was the only sensible thing to do, I have torn myself apart, worrying that I should have done more. The staff at the care home are lovely, and they have reassured me that I have done the right thing for us both, but the guilt is, at times, overwhelming. I find it hard to visit him, because I can't find anything to talk about that doesn't remind him he's been 'thrown out' of his home. I read with interest the comments about carers experiencing PTSD, because I have only recently realised that is what it is going on: the tears, flashbacks, anxiety, tiredness and 'survivor guilt' are all there. People tell me to rebuild my life, but he is still here, and so are his clothes, books, golf clubs....I know only too well he'll never need them again, but giving them away seems like the ultimate betrayal. It's lonely out here....
     
  5. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,853
    Female
    Scotland
    @manor born i have just read your post at 1.35 am after toileting my husband to try and prevent a wet bed. I wish I could magic your pain away as well as my own but there is no instant solution for this existential chaos that dementia brings.

    You have done what was necessary and now in small steps at a time you owe to yourself to rebuild your life. If that includes getting rid of his golf clubs then do it. Last year I sorted out my husbands tool box (he was a carpenter) and kept a few things I would use and dispensed with the rest. He would have hated that but although he still lives at home his days of doing anything coherent are over.

    Give yourself mental and physical space and start to breathe free again. Best wishes.
     
  6. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,412
    Some storage units are not too expensive, perhaps for an interim period put some in there unless you have space at home out of sight. Then you can dispose in your own time. When you are ready, and not before.
    I tend to give to charities because things are seldom worth the hassle of selling and it gives me pleasure even when I know I could sell easily. There is a special release in giving.
    You are going through an emotional turmoil, it is hard to shift from a loving wife to what seems a advocate.
    When you are ready, and again not before, perhaps start sorting your own things as you adjust to a different life I will not say new, because we cannot ever start anew. Our past is what has made us. This present will make our future. Most of all be kind to yourself. Alice x
     
  7. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,477
    Hi, my husband is also in a care home, he is 71, I am 69, I find it difficult to visit him as he doesn't really know me anymore or our children! all his things are still here, I am slowly taking his clothes to the care home, but what do I do with everything else? We have a big concrete garage in the garden that was used as a workshop, it is full of stuff that hasn't been used for years, the roof leaks and everything is damp and smelly, so today I am going to order a skip and with a bit of luck my children will help me empty it, but then how do I get rid of the garage? at least it will give me something to do as the days are very long and lonely. Lx
     
  8. Martarita

    Martarita Registered User

    May 11, 2018
    112
    Hi there I am going through exactly the same , and of course I'm really struggling with it all ,everyone tells me I will get through all this sadness and grief and I hope it's true, I'm trying hard as I know you probably are doing the same , one day at a time ,I don't really know what to say ,but we have to carry on ,but we are grieving in a way for or husband that we knew and loved .but they have gone and that's so hard to come to terms with , it's the horrible disease that's took them from us . We can but try very hard to get on with life ,my thoughts are with you Take Care . It one day at a time Let's hope things will get better . Xx
     
  9. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,477
    Hi, looks like we are all in the same boat, let's hope it doesn't sink!:eek:
     
  10. Martarita

    Martarita Registered User

    May 11, 2018
    112
    Hi Rose I really think I'm sinking fast so it's ether sink or swim, and I'm trying so hard to keep afloat So why don't we say we won't let this horrible disease take us as well as our OH and show that we can be strong for our loved ones sake .Take Care ,Thank you for replying.xx
     
  11. Joyt

    Joyt Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    28
    I’m now 8 months on from my husband going into care. I was lucky in that in his final lucid moments he urged me to get on with my life. Easier said than done but I now acknowledge that this is a degenerative, incurable and fatal illness and he’s just been unlucky. He wouldn’t have wanted it to destroy me too.
     
  12. Joyt

    Joyt Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    28
     
  13. Joyt

    Joyt Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    28
    It does get better.
     
  14. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    @Joyt....yes you are in a new phase for sure. You have not said how "young"you are? Not that it matters , but I am just curious. I think am looking forward to the release of full time care, but perhaps I will truly have no purpose then. I really do not know how I will feel in the end. But I must lay the ground work for the eventuality of him being a home. But it requires patience and endurance on my part, as it requires some unusual planning as he is not a citizen of this country and I must make our funds last as long as possible. We will see back I see the end of line coming...probably in a year or perhaps two.
    But then I think you must have the life you want. I dream about going home for 4 weeks or even making a long caravan trip in my home of the USA. I hope that I am healthy enough to do something like that when the time comes.
     
  15. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    @marionq...you eloquence is always so lovely. Thank you ....it is exactly how I feel.
     

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