After respite..the reality hits...

[gigi]

Eric did not know me when I went to pick him up.

He asked who I was and I told him my name....he said he knew the name but I wasn't her..he didn't recognise my face. He looked old and troubled and tired, and didn't smile. But a carer came in and his face lit up.

The home told me he had been "fine" ..no problems, eaten well and socialised.
But he was very confused and seemed reluctant to leave with me. He asked if the girls were at home waiting for us..his daughters, and was very angry when I told him they were in Australia..(big mistake on my part..) I think he thought I was his first wife.

His questioning continued in the same vein all evening. I suppose in his mind he was trying to make sense of things. Eventually we must have both fallen asleep in the lounge..I was woken up by the carer tapping me on the shoulder! I hadn't heard the doorbell.

But we both slept well...until about 6 when I heard a crash and found Eric on the bedroom floor.
He's ok, and I got him up using the Elk.

I feel there's a shift in his attitude towards me, can't put my finger on it. It may just take a bit of time for him to settle back at home.

He's still very confused thismorning.

Love xx

 

[Grannie G]

gigi, it is either a shift in his attitude or a shift in his dementia or a combination of both.
Dhiren did know me and was pleased to see me but I feel he feels in a strange place at times, like a visitor. He knows me but doesn`t know where he is or what to do.

 

[gigi]

At the moment I'm thinking it's a shift in the dementia. It may have been happening before Eric went into respite and continued while he was there.

Not being with him for a week I'm noticing it more.

Whatever the reasons, it's making me feel a bit uneasy. Time to adjust again, I suppose.

Love xx

 

[susiesue]

Oh dear Gigi - I do hope that this is just a temporary blip and that Eric will soon feel more at home with you. Perhaps it has something to do with the infection he had before he went into respite - I understand that infections can cause more problems.

I must say I thought I would feel better with David in respite, but so far I am feeling worse.......

I hope Eric feels more at home today.

Love

 

[Bristolbelle]

So sorry....

I guess it's the old story of routine routine routine and when we uspet that there are consequences. But we all need a break and if you didn't have one occassionally Eric would not have you to care for him at all. Please try and hold on to the energy and fun you had, and a little bit of "you" too.

 

[Norrms]

hiya

hiya Gigi, i am so so sorry Eric didnt recognise you and i hope and pray the next few days are a lot easier for you both, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxx

 

[julieann15]

Dear Gigi
So sorry to read that Eric did not recognise you- hopefully as you spend more time together things will improve?

Love Julie xx

 

[hazytron]

Hi Gigi
So sorry to read that Eric did not recognise you, I have no experience of this stage but can imagine it must be wholly unpleasant for you and yet another roller coaster of emotional trauma.
Hope things improve for you both, thinking of you.
Hazel

 

[ElaineMaul]

Hi Gigi,
Perhaps him not recognising you may 'pop in and out'?

Just before Christmas, on more than one visit I thought Dad really didn't know who I was and this really upset me. I knew it might happen eventually but not so soon.

However, last Tuesday, he welcomed me with open arms .... in fact, as though he hadn't seen me for a lifetime (and I go there 3 times a week!). In an odd way, this clinging cuddle was more upsetting than him NOT recognising me

Elaine

 

[Skye]

Hi Gigi,
Perhaps him not recognising you may 'pop in and out'?

I'm sure that's right, gigi. John recognisies me some days, but others just looks puzzled when I kiss him.

Eric's by no means as far advanced as John, and I'm sure that when he settles back into his familiar routine, he'll recognise you again.

 

[burfordthecat]

Hi Gigi

Sorry that you have had to come back down to earth with such a big bump. I personally think that it is the combination of Eric's chest infection and him being in respite. His little world changed last week and it now going to take time for his normal world to click back into place.

How is his chest now Gigi?

Love and hugs to you and Eric

Carina x x

 

[gigi]

As ever your replies are spot on..and your support is there.

I hope you won't be shocked when I say I don't want to do this any more.

The reasons for Eric's deterioration are probably multiple..his chest infection, change in routine and a general downslide in his Alzheimers.

In my heart I really do not want to care for him any more.

That's not to say I won't, or can't. I'm being honest with myself.

At this point I'm not going to make a decision, but Eric has a review coming up with the SW and the Senior from the Dementia Care team next Monday and I will tell them how I feel.

Eric remains very confused. The sitter today found him hard work mentally...compared to the last time she was with him (less than 2 weeks ago)
He is still coughing a lot and it may be that he will need some more antibiotics.
Mentally I think he thinks I'm his first wife. He keeps asking why I'm not "putting liquid on my lips" and "doing my face" because he prefers to see me like that. It's very hard to take. It's very hard to know how to respond.

Love xx

 

[Grannie G]

gigi if you don`t want to you don`t have to. It`s no one`s business but your own and you really do need to listen to yourself.
It`s very hard to take constant criticisms and comparisons when you are putting yourself out. It can break you in the end and that should be avoided at all costs.
Have a really good think between now and the Review.

 

[jenniferpa]

Ditto to what Sylvia said, gigi.

Love

 

[Skye]

Gigi, whatever you decide will be right.

That's not to say you won't regret it, whatever you decide. You'll change your mind, and be convinced you've done the wrong thing, over and over again -- whatever you decide.

But if you decide you can't continue, there will be benefits. Eric will be looked after, by people who are not under constant pressure. You will be able to relax and enjoy your visits, look forward to the good days and cut short the not so good.

It's a hard decision, but you know you'll be supported, whatever you decide.

 

[Mameeskye]

Gigi

((((((hugs))))))

Whatever you decide will be the right decision. There should be no guilt, no blame, no feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes to live with a loved one with dementia who does not realise the effect words have on us is simply torture and it makes it impossible for us to continue.

You need to do what is best for you. Whatever your decision it will be right.

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Dear Gigi,
Whatever you decide will be right for you and Eric and is no one else's business. Please know that we are all here for you when you want us.
Love,

 

[Helen33]

Dear Gigi,

I think you know that whatever you decide, you will have my support You are every bit as important as Eric and your needs have to be taken into consideration as well.

Wishing you strength and courage my dear friend

Love x

 

[connie]

Dear Gigi,

You are one brave, caring lady and my heart bleeds for how you must be thinking.

I will be honest and say that whilst I can accept that Lionel does not always know who I am, I don't know how I would have coped if he ever mixed me up with his wife. In that respect not being able to speak has a small compensation.

You will make the right decision in your own time, and on your own terms. Thinking of you. My love to you both.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Gigi:

Just lots of love - I know how hard it is for you.