1. dream

    dream Registered User

    Feb 9, 2008
    19
    shropshire
    mum was cremated on the 28th of july i had to do a reading totally broke down near the end felt like i was a wailing banshe, thought i had every thing under controll not likely. dad has gone away on his own we are picking him up has been on his own for the last 10 days. he has cleaned out the house and has tried to get rid of every thing that was mums, house seams so barren now it is as if he as taken the essence of mum away. i do not think he will be the same again as is health is very frail.i feel like there is this great big void now even whe she was so very sick she was still there and some times when you are talking you will say mum and dad and then you suddenly remember that she is not alive. you cry when you are least expecting it like reading and you find there is no reason for it.have to move on mum would want that.there is one thing i no is that we allways think they are going to be there for ever and thy are not. for get your petty row etc just love them even for there faults as life is fleeting.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,879
    Kent
    Hello Dream

    Your father`s grief sounds so deep, he is shutting everything out by clearing the house, going away and being unable to bear the pain of your grief.

    I hope he doesn`t regret his hasty actions, but this is probably the only way he can be.

    Meanwhile it leaves you to grieve alone. I`m so sorry.

    Love xx
     
  3. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    hello dream,
    what a moving post you have written.
    grief is SO hard, and the loss feels so huge that at times it seems unbearable.

    this is just about how I live my life now, as you never know when a loved one may be gone tomorrow.

    My FIL died from lung cancer at home back in May. He was like a dad to me (my own dad died in 2002) and although I will never see him again I know I was lucky to have him as my FIL for over 21 years.
    If I feel the tears welling (as I do now) I think of Joe (my FIL) and I know he wouldnt want me to be so sad.
    Joe gives me strength to cope with his death, even after he has died.
    allow yourself a little time to move on, there is no rush.

    I hope you find strength to get through, what surely is, one of the hardest periods in your life.
    hugs,
    Jo
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,151
    Toronto, Canada
    #4 Canadian Joanne, Aug 8, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2008
    Hello Dream,

    I am so sorry to hear of your mother's death.

    Yes, eventually you will move on but it's too early for that yet.

    But there is a reason for it - you've just lost your mother. You cannot expect to have got over it so quickly.

    Your father is having a very hard time also. He seems to be in deep denial, which I'm afraid may well catch up with him.

    Take care & keep posting.
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #5 Margarita, Aug 8, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2008
    I know what you mean , how it feels like to have that Void, in my memory my father was so alive , it Just pains so much that he was not hear with me on earth .

    We also clean out sold up moved away in the same year after my father pass away.

    All I can say share with you if it can give you any comfort , is that void of pain does ease away, because I just learn to live with it. Seem early days for you . for me its been 6 years so yes I have Just learn to live with it, so now when I reopen those memories of my father our time in our home

    I do not have so much pain . I hope that for you also in the future , but do understand that every one different in there times of grief.
     
  6. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Dear Dream

    I just wanted to say hello and thank you for letting us know how the funeral went. You say that you feel you ought to move on and it seems that's what your dad is thinking by clearing out so thoroughly. People deal with grief in all kinds of ways (there is no rule book) and you just allow yourself the time you need and I would guess that it's too early for you to know yourself yet. Some people grieve for a long time and some for a short time - there is no right or wrong - just different. There is always someone here for you should you need to talk whilst your grieving.

    Meanwhile sending a big hug

    Love
     
  7. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    My Mum died suddenly last May and it has been hard to part with her things, but I tried to give friends or relatives what they might appreciate and find useful. Mum's hairdresser was pleased with her jig-saw mat as she'd been meaning to buy herself one for a long time and we gave the garden swing seat to Mum's cleaner, as she had always wanted one, but couldn't afford it. I took bags of clothes and odds and ends to local charity shops and Bring and Buy Stalls.

    At first I felt overwhelmed by the quantity of Mum's things that I had in my house and I felt as though I would eventually be taken over by china ornaments and Bric-a-Brac. Gradually I've given away anything which I don't like and I've tried to just keep things which could be useful, or which remind me of Mum. I've still got lots of her clothes which wouldn't even fit me, but it does seem hard to part with Mum's possessions.

    We were able to sell Mum's house last month, but I was pleased to be able to pick some flowers from her garden for my daughter's wedding in July. We also used her pretty glass bowls and vases on the reception tables and it seemed as if Mum had made her own contribution to the wedding.

    All the pink flowers, which we planted in our garden to make it look good when the marquee was up, are still there and will always remind us of my Mum and Mother-in-Law. They would have so enjoyed my daughter's wedding if they had been able to come.

    Sadly, we just have to remember the good times in the past and look forward to the future and hopefully the new generation to come. I really enjoyed preparing for the wedding, even though I missed not being able to share it with my Mum. There are plenty of good things to look ahead to and we are very lucky to have gained a new family.

    It takes a long time to grieve and the process can't be rushed. I'm not really over it, but I think I'm able to deal with it better now. Everybody grieves in their own way.

    I think it helps to talk to other people and not bottle up feelings and emotions too much.

    I hope you will feel more able to cope soon.

    Best wishes,

    Kayla
     
  8. LIZ50

    LIZ50 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    56
    Hampshire
    Hi Dream
    I lost my mum 9 weeks ago now (still counting the weeks) and I find that I cry when I'm least expecting it but the pain inside isn't quite so raw and I do feel much better if I don't bottle it up inside me.
    Somebody once said to me 'let your grief take you where and how YOU want it to and just go with it' and that advice has helped me as there are no rules for grieving. We each have to grieve in our own way.
    I too feel a void that will never be filled so I sometimes talk to her when I'm on my own and this helps me (it might help you too).
    I sympathise very much with your Dad about clearing out your Mum's things as my mum came to live with us for the last 18 months and when she passed away every time I walked into her bedroom the pain of seeing her things would hit me every time but now I've cleared her room it seems easier to deal with and I can walk into the room without my heart jumping into my mouth.
    We do have to move on but everybody moves on in their own way so don't be too hard on yourself (or your Dad) and just take one step at a time as I do.
    Love Liz xx
     
  9. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Mum died 6 weeks ago tomorrow. I swing from being totally numb to feeling such excruciating pain of her loss it’s almost physical. Mum was my best friend, my confidant, even my sparring partner at times. My life was totally entwined with hers, now there is just this great big huge void. Even when she was very poorly and sometimes I am sure she struggled to know who I was, but if I felt down, I could lay my head in her lap, and just to have her smooth my hair made the world seem a better place to me. There is no more rushing to the NH straight from work, no more weekends spent with her at the NH, there is just nothing, just the pain. My purpose was to look after and love my mum, now I have no purpose.
    Love
    Cate xx
     
  10. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Grief is the price we pay for Love ...... it is 8 weeks on Monday since my husband died, and I can't decide whether 'it' is worse when I charge about trying to keep going, or whether 'it' is harder when I try and sit back and reflect. I was so determined to be positive and grateful for all my good memories, but the sickening feeling when something hits me out of the blue is so overwhelming. When a parent, partner or other close relative or friend dies, they leave such an enormous gap that it feels like a physical injury, a pain that just doesn't ever seem to go away.
    Perhaps we all have to learn to live with it.......
     
  11. twinone

    twinone Registered User

    May 19, 2008
    269
    england
    9 months

    It has been 9 months since the love of my life died. Sometimes I go a few days thinking I am a little step further and then wham it hits me again so hard.

    The only way I can describe this feeling is like a dull ache in my heart that wont go away.

    I have family support and good friends, I am also back at work and have 3 very good friends at work that stayed in touch with me all the time during Steve's illness so I know I am not alone.

    When people say ' you are lucky that you have such a good family and friends' I just think 'I had them before but I had Steve as well'. I dont think one person can ever replace another.

    So for me its still one hard step at a time.

    Sorry if i sound so down but this week has been so hard.

    Love
    Janet
     
  12. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Guilt

    With so much good advice from everyone I have adopted many strategies to cope - but they don't always work. TP is the one place where I don't feel guilty for admitting that. But the guilt is there for another reason: towards the end stages of my husbands illness I prayed that he would not loose any more of his dignity, and that he would not end up lying somewhere in a vegetative state, surrounded by strangers. All these prayers were answered, for which I was enormously grateful. Somehow, it is now harder to remind myself of that than it was immediately after his death. I didn't want him to suffer ............ but I so want him back. It may be that the good memories are stronger than the not-so-good ones ?

    I'll now try and put my positive head on: the sun is shining :cool:
     
  13. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Dearest Cate, I felt so sad reading this line. Of course there is a purpose to your life. You have a family and other loved ones, and your mum gave you your life and wanted you to live it joyfully, I am quite sure. She wouldn't want you to be prostrate with grief and doubting your purpose in life, I'm sure. You have been a great help here on TP, you are a tremendous person with so much to offer the world. What about all those old ladies with no Cate to care about them? You won't find anyone to replace your mum, but maybe you can use your love and caring nature to help others, just as you have always done, inspired by your bonny mum. Forgive me if this sounds glib. Hugs and sympathy and caring thoughts. Love Deborah xx
     
  14. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Dear Deborah

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I have had the support of family and friends, but I am also aware that there is only so much of my grief they can cope with too.

    I have promised that in the future I will go back to mum’s NH to help out with day trips etc., but right now, the very thought of seeing someone else living in mum’s room I just couldn’t cope with it, that was her home, and she was happy there, stupid I know. I also know that I soon as I walk in the door, one of the nurses will be standing there with arms out stretched ready to give me a massive hug, you see, they not only loved and care for mum, but me too.

    I have a wonderful photograph of mum on one of the many day trips mum went on, this particular one was to a petting farm, and mum is obviously giggling because the lama she is feeding is tickling her hand, she looks so very happy. I hope, given time I will be able to help out on such outings, and maybe give another family a photograph to treasure too.

    Love
    Cate xxx
     

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  15. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Sorry my first attempt at a photograph seems to have come out a bit big.:rolleyes: xxx
     
  16. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Hello Cate

    What a wonderful photo. It's not too big - it's just right. What you are feeling about having no purpose is natural I think because the big purpose has now gone and there is a void. It can take quite a while before you reinvest your time and love and energy into someone(thing) else.

    In the meantime sending you love and very best wishes
     
  17. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Dear Cate

    That's such a beautiful photo.

    Your mum had been so ill and since Christmas it had been touch and go as to how long she would survive.......that has put you under an immense amount of pressure.

    You are bound to feel a huge void just now and possibly for some time as your whole being adjusts.

    But Cate you're a tough cookie (with a very soft centre:)) and it won't be long before you feel some purpose in your ife again....just give yourself time to heal a bit .

    Your friends will always be there for you to talk about and help you through your grief......as you have always been there for others;)

    Lots of love cariad as always xxxxxxxxxx
     
  18. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Thank you so much for your kind messages, and your unfailing support, it is so very much appreciated.
    Nos da
    Love
    Cate xxx
     

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