1. Bravo78

    Bravo78 New member

    Mar 25, 2019
    2
    It’s 11 months since my husband passed. Don’t know where the time has gone but it still feels like yesterday, it still hurts like yesterday. Yes people have said things will get easier, give it time, but what am i waiting for? things will never be the same again. I’ve busied myself this last year tidying up the house, recycling some stuff but mostly i can’t touch his things, they’re still his, it’s like i’m wsiting for him to walk through the door any minute. When it happened i asked my sister ‘what am i going to do without him?’ and she said ‘you’ll have a life!’. But i had a life before, a life that’s been stolen from us. I am alone, i have no children, no family that would ever understand and wouldn’t try to. I work every day, and put a different face on for people, just to make THEM happy, to see i’m doing ok, but nothing will be ok again.
     
  2. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,359
    I am not really qualified to reply, but I really do feel for you and your despair. I can but imagine how it would be for me. I have walked the path with friends, they would all give different answers to how they coped and managed. We all grieve in our own way, we need to do this. So often we do not because we do not want to upset others. Others on here will be able to help more. Do keep posting there is support here.
    All blessings, Alice
     
  3. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    3,509
    south-east London
    I am so sorry you are going through this heartache. I also lost my husband last year (nine months for me) and like you, I wonder where the time has gone.

    I still have many of my husband's belongings around. I have no intention of getting rid of them, they bring me comfort.

    I am slowly carving out a different life but he is still very much part of that life and in my thoughts through the things that I choose to do, and that helps me stay positive.

    I am not one for 1:1 counselling myself, but I did find that a 'walk and talk' bereavement group run by Cruse has been a great help in helping me get my thoughts together. You might also find it helps to contact a bereavement group in your area, particularly as you are alone.

    It really does help to talk to people who understand. I am fortunate in that I have my adult son and daughter still living at home, so I / we have lots of opportunities to talk about our memories and feelings. I know that your circumstances are very different and I can only imagine how isolated you must feel in your loss.

    Please remember that there is no time limit to grieving and no right or wrong way to cope. Let the tears come as and when they must, whether it be 11 months or 11 years.

    Keep posting as there are many on here who understand. We are always ready support and help you through these difficult times.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,381
    Kent
    I agree to a certain extent @Bravo78 but over the five years since my husband died I have learnt to live with it and perhaps eventually you will too.

    People do not understand unless they have experienced the loss of a spouse. We don`t `get over it` but I have managed to fill my days, some with more satisfaction than others.

    I have not given up on my husband. It`s difficult to explain. I know he died and accept his death.

    When he went into residential care I sent the clothes he needed with him and those he didn`t need went to the charity shops. He was not a collector of things so I just have one or two of his things which are of sentimental value and which were important to him. They include his wallet and his driving licence which were a source of security to him especially when he was ill.

    Even so, he is still with me.

    Please don`t give up on yourself. Allow yourself to feel as you do, it is all natural and normal. There is no need for pretence just to make others feel better.
     
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,509
    Ireland
    I did find that the first year was almost lost, as many days, I would find I had done nothing but sat and looked at the wall, and a couple of hours would have gone by without me being aware of it. The second year was harder, because I suppose reality had set in. During the first year, there are all those "firsts" to focus on, the first birthday without him, the first wedding anniversary, first Christmas etc. And then, with the first anniversary of his death comes the realisation that we've gotten through that first year, and nothing is going to change. He's still dead. And then we face into the future by ourselves.

    The death of a spouse changes us I think. We lightly refer to our "other half", but we don't really think about that term. We are no longer a complete couple. It leaves a void that can't be filled, even though we may have lots of other things in our lives. We carry an aloneness with us, even though we may not be lonely.

    I know I've said it before on the forum, but it bears saying again: Years ago, when someone was bereaved, they wore black for a full year. This gave a visible sign to others that the person was grieving, and they were given the time and space for that. They were not expected to attend social functions. They would not send Christmas cards in that first year. They were generally treated with more gentleness and kindness, because their attire told the world that they were grieving the loss of a loved one. Now, once the funeral is over, everyone goes back to their lives, and because there are no reminders, it is expected that the bereaved person will just get over the loss in weeks. Almost everything in our lives is disposable, replacable, geared to instant gratification, and we subconsciously absorb this, and are completely thrown when we find that it doesn't apply when we lose someone. The loss stays with us.

    Wishing you well. It will get better, but it is going to take a lot of time.
     
  6. hilaryd

    hilaryd Registered User

    May 28, 2017
    84
    Wise words, @LadyA - we were discussing this at work yesterday, that even after the death of a partner or very close relative, the usual amount of leave you're allowed is only a few days, which is hopelessly inadequate - just the basic practicalities of registering the death and arranging the funeral take much longer than that to deal with, never mind the emotions. Time does heal, and life improves and changes as time goes on, but I don't think healing completely is ever possible - there's always something (or rather someone) missing.
     
  7. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    I do agree with you Lady A, as well as others who have written here. and yes it does get better but the loss
    stays with us. and I think always will. It is part of you of who you now are,

    Love Loo xxx
     
  8. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    1,962
    Female
    East Midlands
    2 of my close friends have lost husbands to cancer & I cannot imagine how that must feel. One friend is 50 & the other friend is 60, both husbands were slightly older than them but even so.
    My 50 yr old friend has met someone else & has been with them for quite a few years now & she ended up being signed off sick for almost a years after the death of her husband. They had run a business together so she had to cope with selling that, dealing with debts, never mind the practicalities. Allowed Time off work after a bereavement is woeful.
    It has been bad for me as well as although I have the flexibility of being self employed, if I don’t do events them no money comes into the bank & there is no contingency either. I still have to pay my rent & bills. Maybe there ought to be something passed in law that helps people in situations like this xx
     

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