After Dementia - dealing with everything else!

[Linbrusco]

My Mum passed away in March, and having hardly any time off work other than Bereavement Leave, and after getting through the funeral , sorting out Mums possesions etc
my Dad passed away in the June.

Once again, Bereavement Leave, funerals, sorting out possesions…. then the real fun began ?
Lawyers, Probate etc, and then the Covid Delta variant has reared its ugly head here in New Zealand in the August. We’ve been on a semi lockdown since.
As an essential worker, I’ve been working throughout.
I had already planned on a weeks holiday off work, and what with Covid, ended up being a week at home sorting out paperwork and legal stuff, as my sister co executor for Dads Estate has thrown a legal spanner in the works….. long story but essentially my parents and my husband and I had a joint financial interest, a legal agreement and all above board. We have paid that money back to my Dads Estate.
She’s just trying to get her last penny worth.

Anyway , I just want it all resolved, get a headstone sorted for my parents grave and move on with life, after 10 yrs of dementia and being my parents main carer, POA, then seeing them into care.
My sisters grief is different. She doesnt want to rush things.
Wanting to know where certain photos, books, and possesions are… down to Mum & Dads clothing.
A key chain Dad had. A shirt? A ripped tie?

So what do you do when you are total opposites in this respect?
I work, my sister doesn’t.
I feel she’s lost a sense of purpose, no more visiting Mum & Dad.
The whole legal thing has caused a rift. We’re talking, but not talking.

 

[Violet Jane]

It’s quite common in families for family members to grieve differently.. My brother lived 5 minutes drive from my mother’s care home but never visited unless I went with him. After our mother died he suddenly flipped for no reason and told me not to contact him as he wanted the space to grieve. I honestly don’t know what triggered this. My sister, who lived abroad and was very detached from the whole situation, became obsessed with the funeral flowers and wanted me to get some flax flowers (they are associated with NI where my parents came from) for the wreath. I contacted several florists but they couldn’t get any or had not even heard of them. My sister asked me where my parents completely ordinary clothes had gone to which I replied that I had thrown them out. These things are all displacement activities.

 

[Lawson58]

My grandchildren’s father passed away a year ago and left no will. They were made administrators but it is a difficult situation. My granddaughter had no relation ship with her father but grandson lived with his dad, and the house was left in a complete mess. She has been trying to get through loads of stuff that had belonged to their grandparents and aunt that had never been unpacked. She has also been trying to get through all the legal stuff but grandson likes to be extremely uncooperative. He is a bully and gives her a hard time over trivial things. She is reluctant to stand up to him until everything is completed.

I think sometimes it is the only way that he can feel in control of the situation even though logically the best way to achieve that is to deal with issues and get them done. When people feel out of their depth, it is sometimes the little things they focus on because they simply have no idea of how to cope.

 

[Shedrech]

Maybe @Linbrusco you could step back from all this and simply let your sister deal with everything, asking her to go through items herself at her pace as she isn't working but you have to give your attention to your work now .. tell her that you are content to have her decide what happens to what's left ... if the things are with you, can she collect everything (apologies if she lives far away)

I appreciate that this will mean it takes more time whilst you would prefer to be quicker ... in the end, though, in a year's time, a few extra weeks won't seem so much, and may help you retain a relationship with your sister