After Christmas!

[Natashalou]

Mum announced in about August she would be coming to stay for Christmas. There are huge practical problems with this such as where she sleeps...but despite the fact her NH is ony ten minutes away she wont agree to come in the morning and go back in the evening.
Ive kind of lost this battle as it seems so mean to deny her this one thing she wants so desperatly...but whats really worrying me is how to get her back painlessly after wards.
Ever since day 1 in the NH she has made it clear she thinks Ive failed her in not having her to live with me..to the degree I dont even bring her here for a visit anymore becuase there was (literally) a screaming fuss when she had to go back which upset my son..and me!!
Now when she stays here from Christmas eve to the day after Boxing day it will be even worse!

 

[jenniferpa]

I'm sorry to say this but from her past performance this seems an extremely bad idea, but I guess you already know this. I suppose the only way to look at it is assume that you'll have a repeat performance of the last time she came to visit whether she comes for the day, or stays the night. Does that make it any better? Probably not, but sometimes it is easier to deal with this sort of thing after a nights sleep. Looking on the really gloomy side, of course, she may not settle that night wherever you put her to sleep, so you'll be dealing with this plus sleep deprivation. I'm wondering, could you have a trial run before hand? If she gives you a hard time about going back then you can perhaps put your foot down about her plan in advance. You never know - time has moved on and she won't be as bad. And don't forget - she may have made this plan, and she may be old and ill, but you DO have rights too. If you can't deal with it I don't think you should agree to it.

Easy for me to say, of course.

Love

 

[Natashalou]

Hmm well actually your reply has made me feel a bit better as I had got so carried away about the fact she is staying 3 days I had totally overlooked that this will happen even if she only comes for the day!
Yes..its a bad idea..it was HER idea..how could it not be!
My partner (non resident) thinks she will behave better is he takes her back and lets hope he is right but I reckon he has some more thinks coming!!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Natasha, how are you? [apart from worried]

Is your mother the same person who stayed last Christmas? Is there a possibility she might feel more at home where she is, rather than at your house? If she hasn`t visited for a while, it might not be as familiar to her as it once was.

I`m probably clinging to straws here, but there is a chance she is keeping this up from habit, rather than from longing to be with you. After all, a year is quite a long time in the life of someone with memory problems and dementia.

I`m mindful of Dhiren wanting to go to Manchester, but on the two occasions we sold the house and were preparing to move, he backed out at the last minute. It didn`t stop him mithering to go.

Is it worth having a trial run, as Jennifer suggested. And would she know, if you decided to have Christmas without her?

Love xx

 

[paris07]

Dear Natasha,
I understand how hard it is to try and please Mother's . I am putting mum in respite for Christmas as she is very demanding and I know she will upset the whole household if she stays. I know she is going to hate it, but, I feel I have to make a choice and consider the rest of the family for once.
Mums have a way of making us feel guilty and feel as if we have failed them, sometimes I think it is for more attention.
It's a hard decision we have to make, I wish you all the best in making yours.
regards
paris07.

 

[117katie]

"to the degree I don't even bring her here for a visit anymore" was your phrase to describe your experience and ... your wondering what can you do now.

We are all feeling same kind of feelings, so we can all begin to know where you are coming from, not in precise detail, but we all can empathise and sympathise, so all I can offer is the following question:

Question: if you "don't even bring her here for a visit anymore" your own words, then when was the last time you tried to "bring her for a visit"? Believe me, I am beginning to learn the difference between one month ago, one week ago, one day ago, or even one hour ago.

Each and every moment remains in our own minds as IMPORTANT and DEFINABLE and MEMORABLE .... but they cannot be that for the person who has any kind of dementia which may well prevent them from distinguishing from today, yesterday, or even one 5-minute period ago.

I am only on the very beginning of this understanding of dementia, but along the way I am beginning to understand that each and every one of us has no idea (a) whether (b) when (c) where or even (d) why we SHOULD ALL BE STRUGGLING SO HARD. Jus to achieve an UNDERSTANDING.

Gone ... and hope that some day, someone will come and help, not just ourselves, but more importantly those people we care about.

COME ON, WORLD, WHERE ARE YOU ALL??????

 

[jenniferpa]

I suppose what I'm saying Natasha is: do you have to give way? I know you feel guilty, and know she'll try to make you feel guilty, but as you say, this was HER plan not yours, made without any consultation. Would you put up with that from anyone else? Or even, from her, if she wasn't ill? And even if you would, should you? Just because someone can manipulate you, doesn't mean you should be manipulated.

Love

 

[Margarita]

I dont even bring her here for a visit anymore becuase there was (literally) a screaming fuss when she had to go back which upset my son..and me!!

Oh the screaming , no how upsetting that it for you and your son to hear . after 3 days staying with you , am sure your going to get more screaming when you take her back .

Cant you tell a little white lie saying your going abroad for Christmas

 

[Natashalou]

Well, everyone..I suppose its the old thing..guilt.
Yes, I can simply tell her she cant come.
Yes, I can say Im going abroad...
but at the end of the day I already know Im going to put up with it.
Funny enough, after the last ten Christmases since my father died, she only actually HAS been to me twice the rest of the time she insisted she wanted to be by herself.
What is at the bottom of this is she doesn t really want to be with me but she less wants to stay at the home!

Sylvia...your comments were thought provoking...no, she isnt the same person she was last Christmas..but in fact it is her physical deterioration which is actually a lot worse than her mental state as she has in the last year had numerous falls, three very bad ones, which is why she cant climb the stairs and therefore where she sleeps is such a problem!
Mentally she has probabaly deteriroated only a bit because now she isnt isolated, before she would go days without seeing anyone, and also now she has some medicine called HALIPERI DODAL (I think) which seems to help her rather bizarre imaginings (a bit)

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Natasha,

If your mother has been falling, it would be a big worry for you if she slept downstairs by herself, or if you managed to get her upstairs with you and your son. Either way is unsafe.

Is this the guiltless answer?